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Posted by: Cathy | 2011/01/24

Nearly 8 years and still no proposal :(

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, living together for nearly 4 years. Marriage is something I want and he knows I want it (heck I’ ve been planning my dress since I was still in my teens!) but he really doesn’ t want it... so I’ m not getting it. We had a serious talk about it and first he said it makes him nervous and scared then he later said it’ s stupid and pointless. I’ ve been sulking since our talk and he doesn’ t want to budge. I know he loves me very much and he does a lot for me but I don’ t understand why he doesn’ t want to do this. I mean we’ re at the age (he is a bit older than me) where all our buddies are getting married and it makes me sad but he tells me don’ t let society get to me. It makes me angry that I need to sacrifice my wanting to get married for his NOT wanting too. We are both products of divorce and I know that has an effect on some people but I mean we’ ve been dating for so long it’ s obvious we aren’ t going to break up or anything. How do I convince him it’ s not so bad and it’ s the next natural step?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It really sounds as though he has everything he wants from a marriage, without needing to marry you. And as you yourself put it : "we’ve been dating for so long it’s obvious we aren’ t going to break up or anything "
As Maria says, clearly things are likely to carry on exactly as they are, unless you split up, or see a couples counsellor together to sort out what is happening right now, and what if anything will happen When in the future.
OK, so you both may feel wary after a previous divorce - but if you were going to find each other unbearable, you'd have noticed before now.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cathy | 2011/01/25

Me- I hear you. I do think he''s too comfortable. I''m going to rock the boat a bit and see if it sinks or not.

Reply to Cathy
Posted by: Me | 2011/01/25

Cathy, I''m almost in the same situation, I think your bf like mine is too comfortable with the situation as it it and will never make a proposal. i don''t know, it''s just like Bull says, why buy a cow when you can milk it for free?..he won''t do it if he doesn''t really want to...

Reply to Me
Posted by: Soul | 2011/01/25

You have given him everything a married couple has, excepting the marriage you want. You both want different things in life. If he hasn''t proposed to you by now his not going to, you don''t want him to resent you but you don''t need that either. It''s time for you to move on and find someone who wants what you want.
Don''t settle for less than what you want you going to end up being miserable and resentful for many years to come.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Been There | 2011/01/25

Lenti, I know of so many people that that happened to. Long relationships just don''t work. For me, max 4 years, that''s cut off. If no-ones proposed, move on.

Reply to Been There
Posted by: Lenti | 2011/01/25

My friend stayed with the father of her child for 8 years, they broke up in Jan last year &  guess what? The ex got married in December. Chances are he is not a marrying type, still looking or saving lobola for someone else

Reply to Lenti
Posted by: Cathy | 2011/01/25

Thanks for all the replies. JT.CPT I think my boyfriend is like you as he''s also very social but as you say, he''d never cheat, etc. I do agree with you that I don''t want him to resent me but I also don''t want to resent him too. Tough situation. Thanks again all.

Reply to Cathy
Posted by: Been There | 2011/01/25

Been there and my advice will be to move on swiftly. Mine was a 7 year relationship. Both of us are now happily married (to people that accept and love us for who we are) with kids. If he loved you enough or knew in his hearts of heart that you were the one, he would marry you in a flash. But this is only my opinion.

Reply to Been There
Posted by: JT.CPT | 2011/01/25

This is just my own opinion and how I pesonally feel about mariage.

I am not against it in any way and if it works for other people fine. But for me personally I dont believe in it and dont think I ever want to get married. I may raise some kids with a women sometime in the future but I dont want to ever get married. This does not mean I will sleep around and cheat, it just means that I dont want the archaic " nuclear family"  married life.

I think it is because I am not a very social person and just about everyone I meet irritates me after about 5secs. I have only met a handfull of people that I can get along with on an intelectual level and they form my small and close group of friends. If I ever meet a women that I get along with and feels the same way I do then sure I will settle down... but get married no.

Maybe ask your boyfriend why he feels like this and explain to him your side. If he still feels the same you wont change his mind and he will just resent being forced into something.

Reply to JT.CPT
Posted by: Bull | 2011/01/24

Why buy the cow when u r getting the milk for free?
Move out and see if he comes running after you,stay put and nothing will change.

Reply to Bull
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/24

Ask him if he will go with you for couples counselling to talk about this. There is not a lot of middle ground here... after 8 years, either you get married, or you carry on as you are, or you split up. Perhaps counselling will help both of you to clarify in your own minds what the best thing will be to do.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2011/01/24

Sorry to say but yr BF is a user. You only have yourself to blame my dear, allowing him to be selfish and therefore v ery comfortable, someone to sleep with, be fed by, having washing done, without any real committment andjust living the life of Riley. I dont have a problem with a guy or gal who embraces batchelorhood, fine, but... dont include someone else who has expectations of marriage. Unless you lay down the law. make up your mind one way or the other or you are goinf to part ways, you will just plod along in the same old same old same....... Good luck

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/24

It really sounds as though he has everything he wants from a marriage, without needing to marry you. And as you yourself put it : "we’ve been dating for so long it’s obvious we aren’ t going to break up or anything "
As Maria says, clearly things are likely to carry on exactly as they are, unless you split up, or see a couples counsellor together to sort out what is happening right now, and what if anything will happen When in the future.
OK, so you both may feel wary after a previous divorce - but if you were going to find each other unbearable, you'd have noticed before now.

Reply to cybershrink

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