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Question
Posted by: Daughter | 2010/08/02

Naughty Irresponsible Father

Doc, something has been bothering me for too long now. My mom passed on some 7 years ago and my dad was never nice to her or to us (me and siblings) He always used to swear us and my mom. Well we are 6 children and i am the only child from him. And yes my poor mom had to live with this for many many years, swearing her and telling her about her OTHER children, etc.etc. They were together when she died and up to today he has been drinking NON STOP. Problem is he wants me to look after him. This has been going on for 7 years now. He stayed by me before, but he was convinced HE IS THE BOSS of me, my child and MY house....... Even did my washing and washed my panties and the list is endless. Anyway i got him a place of his own and bought him everything for his own place, He just had to pay his rent and buy food for him......Months later i was called coz he NEVER paid rent and owner said he said I will pay it........ He sold all the stuff. Anyway it went on and on, eventually the owner put him out.Than he stayed here, there and all over. Than i got married......He stayed with me and hubby and i got another child........ He gets a pension every month and drinks all the money out. We tried and tried. He swore my hubby, he swore me......He does it always when he is drunk..... He even swore the baby, coz he doesn''t like her and my husband coz i think he feels they took over his place, before it was just me and my daugther.Anyway NO ONE of the other siblings will help him and he knows it, it''s not their father. After him swearing me, my husband, we still let him stay by us. This went on for months on end. He is fine during the month, being the boss of the house and bossing my poor children around. Pension day we back to norm...he is p*ssed drunk and very faulty, even went so far as to tell my husband how he hates him.....Eventually he decided he had enough of us and left on his own. He is practically a hobo coz he is very rude and no one wants to help him. He told my cousin she must call me coz i have a house and he must stay in the streets. He gets a pension EVERY MONTH and he chooses to drink all of it out. Am i being very evil to say. LET IT BE. I have my own family and when he stayed by us, me and hubby were fighting non stop, coz he is a smoker and during the month i must see to smokes.......

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with Purple. Apparently your dad has never been a nice person, and is selfish and expects far too much from other people without feeling a need to give in return. Make it entirely clear to him before you stop comunicating with him, that it has been and is HIS job to look after himself, and you are NOT going to look after him. If he can't be bothered to pay his rent, then he must face the consequences.
Refuse to ever see him or speak to him unless he is utterly sober and is no just wanting to persuade you to do things for him. Do NOT allow him to stay with you, or to boss you or your family around at all. As he has been unable to care for himself, he has no authority whatever to boss anyone else around.
if he chooses to be an unpleasant drug, he must accept the effects that choice has on his life.
You are not being evil in the slightest by leaving him now to live or die on his own - he made this bed, and now he must lie on it. You owe him nothing, and certainly you don't owe it to him to allow him to damage your life and that of your family.

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Our users say:
Posted by: JG | 2010/08/03

Your husband is right, somewhere you just have to stop and wait for him to realise he needs help. The problem with them is they always drink, and they always find a way to get money, you said yourself he sold your stuff you put together for his place. It never gets better before they get help. I don''t want to be negative, but in my case I had to sit back and wait for him to die. Sounds very harsh, but believe me, they cannot be helped unless they want to be helped. He is a grown man and should act like one. You consentrate on your own family and keeping that happy and in functioning, it is hard enough to sort out a marraige and family, and that should come first!

Reply to JG
Posted by: Daughter | 2010/08/02

Hi JG.
I really feel bad about everything. Coz he is looking like areal hobo. I want to help him, but HE IS NOT PREPARED TO GO TO THE AA. Believes there is nothing wrong with him, I am the problem, coz I let him sleep where ever, while I am lekker cosy in my house. Look to be very honest, my husband is anti him ok. He really really insulted my husband one day when my husband was defending me, like i said the list is endless, but one day, he was drunk, I left money at home for the matress people, they cleaned it and i never paid them in full, were gonna come back for the balance. Anyway like i said this drinking of his was only when he had money, but the person that i am, believed with my heart and soul he wouldn''t drink my money out. Well worse came to worse and he drank the money out. I shouted a bit and he said the most disgusting thing to me........... Shall i say what he said........... In Afrikaans...........''Steek jou huis binne in jou..........) The P word ok, to his own daughter,in front of my children, my husband lost it and gave him a fist.......Gosh my father swore him to hell and gone, his " dead"  mother''s things and other vulgar things not to be discussed. So basically my hands are chopped off, coz after he left that day, my husband said.............. NO MORE

Reply to Daughter
Posted by: JG | 2010/08/02

I know exactly how you must feel. Had a similar problem with my father, was a alcoholic and so is your dad. Until they want to want help, you cannot do anything for them. I have had a terrible last few years with my father, in and out of hospitals because of drunken accedents. Being asked to evacuate places he has been staying. One thing I never allowed is for him to come and stay with us, I wasn''t prepared to have my kids exposed to that, he knew once he has completed his AA course, which I was willing to pay for, he was more than welcome to see and spend time with his grand children.

Sad part is he died last year, all his organs and heart just stopped working and I didn''t have a chance to make things right, but I still feel that the responsibility was not solely mine, you can only try and help so much. But being a child and them our fathers, I suppose I will always have some sense of regret, thinking that I could have tried just one more time or a little harder.

Reply to JG
Posted by: Daughter | 2010/08/02

Thanks a mill doc, I needed to hear that.......

Reply to Daughter
Posted by: Sunny | 2010/08/02

Hi sweety. Stop feeling guilty. He is an adult and capable of taking care of himself. You have your own family to take care of, so focus on them. If anyone says anything to you, tell them to keep him for a while.

He lost everything because of his own actions, so let him take responsibility of himself.

Reply to Sunny
Posted by: Daughter | 2010/08/02

Purple, everyone has asked me this before and to be honest I ALWAYS feel sorry for him and believe it or not up until today. But I said this is it. I am making my heart VERY strong and I am not taking him back.........He has been using me for too long now......

Reply to Daughter
Posted by: Purple | 2010/08/02

Why do you put up with this.

Tell him he is taking advantage of you, has not been a decent father to you and you will not assist him. If he can''t manage the money from his pension then he can live on the streets. He''s an adult and must now lie in the bed he''s made for himself.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/02

I agree with Purple. Apparently your dad has never been a nice person, and is selfish and expects far too much from other people without feeling a need to give in return. Make it entirely clear to him before you stop comunicating with him, that it has been and is HIS job to look after himself, and you are NOT going to look after him. If he can't be bothered to pay his rent, then he must face the consequences.
Refuse to ever see him or speak to him unless he is utterly sober and is no just wanting to persuade you to do things for him. Do NOT allow him to stay with you, or to boss you or your family around at all. As he has been unable to care for himself, he has no authority whatever to boss anyone else around.
if he chooses to be an unpleasant drug, he must accept the effects that choice has on his life.
You are not being evil in the slightest by leaving him now to live or die on his own - he made this bed, and now he must lie on it. You owe him nothing, and certainly you don't owe it to him to allow him to damage your life and that of your family.

Reply to cybershrink

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