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Question
Posted by: Horrible Mother | 2011-05-12

Naughty Children

Dear Doc
Please help as I am such a terrible woman. I have 2 beautiful girls. I love them so dearly. The one is 4 years old and one is 16. I think the age gap are getting to them. Anyway they seem to be the naughtiest children alive to me. When they alone, they fine, when one is alone with me or hubby, fine, when we go visit, they the best children alive.......the minute it''s the 4 of us together at home, ALL HELL breaks loose. They can play together so nice, next best thing they start performing. Yes the 16 year old can still play with her. If we go out, they cannot sit together at the back seat, I must sit with one at the back and one must sit in the front seat with hubby, coz they are bound to fight. It''s mostly the 4 year old, but yes 16 year old doesn''t really try to keep the peace as well. The list is endless, but my problem is I loose it so much with those two. When they start and the screaming and crying starts, I feel like killing them. I can feel how worked up I get and I really really sometimes just have to “ hold it in” , otherwise I CAN strangle one of them. Big one always screams at little one and little one always cries. It''s driving me mad and really sometimes I say and do the most horrible things. We really really try and raise them in a proper way, teach them what''s wrong and believe you me, they know what''s wrong and right as most people say they are so well mannered. When people even come visit us..... Wow what sweet girls I have!!! My husband is the calm one, but I cannot help it but loose it. I can even go so far as to swear at them, after wards I feel so bad and ask God to forgive me. It really bothers me coz I can promise myself I am gonna be calm, rest assured I can''t stay calm. I sometimes say to them when I die, they MUST KNOW they are the cause of my death coz they are nothing I''ve ever seen before (naughty that is). I know that is ugly and wrong and really I want to stop saying bad things to my kids. I sometimes just go to bed to avoid them. Do I need help or is there some over the counter meds I can take to relax and try and appreciate them as they can be the nicest, loveliest children any mom can ask for

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK. First of all, really terrible women never ever think they might be terrible.
Unfortunate ages, each at an age when kids often naturally become more annoying than usual, though for different reasons.
Have you tried recruiting the 16 yo, discussing the problem of her little sister's occasional bad behaviour, and how SHE ( 16 ) could help you in limiting this, and reducing it ? Asking how "we adults" could help the kid learn to behave better, and how WE can manage not to let her rouse us into problems ?
Say you know how the little one can be frustrating, and 16 will have found, as you do, that when you get angry and scream, it doesn't help at all.
With both of them, emphasize the marvellous fact of how well behaved they are much of the time, and how many people, and especially you as parents, admire them for doing that so well.
Always seek to encourage the good behaviour, and help it to grow, rather than just shouting at the bad behaviour.
Meds won't help you usefully, and inded some tranquillizers can be rather like getting drunk - they can make it harder for you to control the situation.
But some counselling with a psychologist can both help you to relax and control your own reactions, but also to plan more useful ways to plan to help them both control themsel;ves and maintain the excellent behaviour they're so capable of.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Horrible Mother | 2011-05-12

If i wanna die or kill with a husband, how must you feel. I suppose we can look on the bright side (if any), look my girl is 16 and yours 15, it seems like they the same......... Naughty and childish........ I suppose we could have cried now being " grannies"  hey!!!!! I sometimes thank the Lord that she is rather like that (NOT ALWAYS) coz 15 / 16 year olds are doing the " deed"  already. So yes, i also sometimes just tell the big one to just get a husband and get married and out of the house....but than i pray and ask God for that not to happen!!!!!!! LOL

Reply to Horrible Mother
Posted by: Lilly | 2011-05-12

Honestly speaking i''m not even going to try it because I know it will only work for a few days and then it''s back to normal ... sorry Woman, no offence as your method sounds like heaven but my home is sometimes closer to hell lol!!!

TV is OUT in my home ''cos of all the fighting!!! Doesn''t stop the fighting but somehow it''s not so bad at night anymore - think they''ve learned how to keep themselves busy seeing their horrible mother wants to cut the plug!

The only thing that keeps me sane is looking forward to the time when they''ll be all grown up lol

Hey at least you still have hubby to keep the peace - I''m a single crazy horrible mother with NO back-up ... but loving it!!!

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: Horrible Mother | 2011-05-12

LOL!!! Lilly, tell me about it. Woman has a nice idea there, will try that. The other night i made a joke and said i hope they not gonna end up working at Teasers.... (They love performing night time) LOL!!!! Ag i love them, although they make me mad. I honestly pray to God that i can stay calm, i must, otherwise someone will end up in jail........
Not sure about tv matters in your house!!!!!!!! Another BIG FIGHT THERE. Small one comes from creche than it''s Cbeebies........ Than big one decides NOPE, she had enough of that, than it''s Disney Channel.......... OMW!!!!!!!!! Dan wil ek moord pleeg!!!!!! Than it''s crying from the small one and screaming from the big one. But what shall we do.

Reply to Horrible Mother
Posted by: Lilly | 2011-05-12

LOL!!! Omg I really thought I was the only horrible mother!!! Feeling so much better now knowing someone out there does it as well. My girls are 15 and 6 and just like yours, they can play together and be the sweetest angels ever but hell when we go anywhere or when they spend too much time together I feel like killing them ... and travelling is the worst!!! I scream and carry on like a mad woman too and yes, sometimes also say things I regret ... so gf if you''ve find a way to control them, let me know pls!!! Just so btw - don''t really think we behave abnormal  )

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: Woman | 2011-05-12

We have 3 kids 11, 9 and 3. We solved the bickering/ emotional dramas, chore dramas simply. We put up a board. On the board are all their names. Each one knows their chores, homework, clean room etc. If all their tasks are done, they get a point. They get twenty points, they get to go to a movie. The points are per person, so it means that each person is responsible for their own point.

Bad behavior, lying, rudeness, bickering &  lying - they lose a point. Chores not done? No point. Rooms dirty? No points. No negotiations. Those are the rules for movies. We call it ''positive reinforcement''.

extra bonus points are awarded when they do stuff like dusting the cabinets, cleaning silver or re-packing the linen closet. And yes, the toddler does his part.

Maybe something similar will work for you?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Horrible Mother | 2011-05-12

Forgot to mention that when hubby sorts them out and they cry or something maybe, i cry with them. So yes, i love them very very much and would kill for them, but i really need to control my UGLY temper.

Reply to Horrible Mother
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-12

OK. First of all, really terrible women never ever think they might be terrible.
Unfortunate ages, each at an age when kids often naturally become more annoying than usual, though for different reasons.
Have you tried recruiting the 16 yo, discussing the problem of her little sister's occasional bad behaviour, and how SHE ( 16 ) could help you in limiting this, and reducing it ? Asking how "we adults" could help the kid learn to behave better, and how WE can manage not to let her rouse us into problems ?
Say you know how the little one can be frustrating, and 16 will have found, as you do, that when you get angry and scream, it doesn't help at all.
With both of them, emphasize the marvellous fact of how well behaved they are much of the time, and how many people, and especially you as parents, admire them for doing that so well.
Always seek to encourage the good behaviour, and help it to grow, rather than just shouting at the bad behaviour.
Meds won't help you usefully, and inded some tranquillizers can be rather like getting drunk - they can make it harder for you to control the situation.
But some counselling with a psychologist can both help you to relax and control your own reactions, but also to plan more useful ways to plan to help them both control themsel;ves and maintain the excellent behaviour they're so capable of.

Reply to cybershrink

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