Posted by: evon | 2009-03-12


I have read so many stories about abuse and lived with it myself for too many years. I only found out last year, the name for all my pain and suffering, narcissistic personality disorder. There are many types of abusers, they all lack empathy or they would not be that way. Some of us came from abusive homes, some us from semi normal homes.Your profession, your income, your nationality, color, male or female. no matter your background, it can happen to anyone, even mental health professionals can be taken in.

How do they invade out minds and change our thinking about everything? We end up questioning our sanity and wondering who we were or are, from our encounter with one. That is why recovery is so difficult. Abusers slowly and methodically destroy our hearts and minds. They take pieces of us, bit by bit, over time, you don' t even know you are being robbed, till you are depleted of everything. You then mix in the confusion of good times. appears to be loving and human, and the bad, not loving and not human like at all. You think you will be able to get the good guy, if only you can turn yourself inside out for him. You know there is that good side of him, so he has you hooked and thinking you can get that good guy. You just need to love him more and put a little more work into the relationship. You love that good guy, you know he exists, he is connected with love, pleasure and good times. Your focus and goal becomes all about getting that guy. You no longer think about yourself and what you want in the relationship. Prince Charming is trapped inside this person and your love and caring will release him so you can live happily ever after.

What we don' t know is narcissists and abusers are at war in their heads, you are the enemy, they take PRISONERS not PARTNERS. You become a prisoner in his private hidden war. He brainwashed and tortured you every day in your relationship.He knew exactly what to do to break your spirit so he could gain control over you. He told you what to think and feel and when he felt like it he rewarded you with some crumbs of kindness. We are so starved of love and human contact, we eat up those crumbs of kindness and crave our next meal from them. We are starving for a human being to return our love and appreciate us. They gain power over us by mixing pain and pleasure, believing we will end up with the good guy, but, THEY DO NOT EXIST.

When it is over, whether you have been dumped or trying to get away from them, you have survived an emotional holocaust, brainwashed and tortured and you wonder why you are having such a hard time getting over it. You are left to sift through the destruction and rubble to find pieces of yourself. You have to try to remember who you were to even begin putting yourself back together. You try to think, what did I do wrong, where and when did it go wrong, what did you miss, what more could you have done, how could you be so stupid, why would you put up with it, why did I stay, why didn' t I leave, why can' t I just move on?

Never ending questions trying to make some sense of it all, but it will never make sense. It had nothing to do with you. Then we think we are co dependent, we enabled our abusers, we loved too much, we had no self esteem to have left this happen to us. We now feel ashamed of ourselves, for letting this happen. We end up feeling and being responsible for it all. The abusers move on totally unaffected, looking for their next prisoner to take in. They suffer no consequences, you do. He blamed everything on you, made you responsible for everything that happened and then you are basically told you brought it on yourself. Maybe there are some people who are co dependent, but it does not apply to everyone. It does not apply to prisoners taken in by narcissists and abusers and tortured in their camps, YOUR LOVELY HOME. They are from another planet, they come for the hearts and minds of the loving caring people on our planet. They look like us and they can act like us. You have no way of knowing till you are in their camp. It can happen to anyone, and they need a never ending supply of loving people to live every day of their lives.

A normal breakup or divorce is hard but this is so much more. They rearranged your mind, depleted and deleted everything that was you, sucked you dry and you wonder why you are having such a hard time of it. You were a kind loving human being with an outstanding capacity to love, THEY HAVE NONE OF THAT TO GIVE TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. You did not know people like this existed. I know I thought everyone treated other people the way they would want to be treated, well not everyone sees the world that way. Set up boundaries for the way you want to be treated from now on, don' t ever settle for anything less. You deserve to be loved for who you are and to be treated with respect and dignity always. Some things in life do not or ever will never make sense, narcissists and abusers are two of those things. So as long as we question ourselves and try to make sense of it, we keep them in our heads. The feelings you are feeling are all normal when you have been held a prisoner of war, a hidden war in their heads.

Sadly for those of us who have survived , understanding and support is hard to find. You have to live it to know what it is like. The road to recovery is facing it all, releasing the memories that will never make sense. You can make sense of the insane behavior, you had nothing to do with it, it was not you. Focus on yourself and what you want to do, you deserve a life. You can' t rush it, you must have the same amount of patience and love you gave your partner, BUT THIS TIME FOR YOU. Don' t beat yourself up anymore, you came in contact with a non human from another planet. I did DAVID PARRY ...Hugs evon

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Thanks for a long and thoughtful, detailed post about your experiences and the conclusions you hav drawn from them.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Yes and No | 2009-03-13

Well written, long but very good and accurate, so yes to all of that. Been there. I loved the Prisoner/Partner reference, beautiful !! However, on the No side, I must disagree somewhat strongly about there being no good guys out there ! Hey, we are here, just waiting to meet up with someone who would appreciate being spoilt like a Queen, bombarded with love and devotion making sure you were well nourished to the extent that they would gladly do most of the cooking, yes, I am not joking. Now believe me when I say this was all showered on one selfish, heartless little bitch who acted exactly as you have described and at the end of the day walked away from all of it, leaving me in a state you cannot imagine. I have like you found my inner strength and realised that these Aliens are sent to test our resolve and make us better human beings for it. Remember, just like the Aliens, we ARE out there !! Problem is, we never seem to be able to meet each other !!!

Reply to Yes and No
Posted by: Jo | 2009-03-12

You have described my STBX to a tee and exactly how I' m feeling at this moment. Good luck to you.

Reply to Jo
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-03-12

Shuks i have to agree!
Worth the read, i never thought i' ve been there but i see some parts of your story in a previous relationship. I still until today think but and asked myself why... i got out of it then which im glad for now.I never thought i was being abused but looking back now it' s obvious.
Also glad i never fell for all the begging and pleading which i always gave in to in the end.

Sho makes one think and oh yes correct ' hit the nail on the head' 
Somehow after reading all that i can put that behind me now as it always dwelled in my mind.
Glad you posted that!


Google seems to bring up alot of DAVID PARRY ' S...

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: jskr | 2009-03-12

Beautifully written, and oh so accurate...thank you...

Reply to jskr
Posted by: Anon | 2009-03-12


You have hit the nail right on the head.

Sounds exactly like my ex-wife.

And then she had the audacity to tell people how badly I treated HER. All in an attempt to gain sympathy from others.

Oh well - I guess the pattern will be revealed in a few years.

Don' t look back, evon.

There are better people out there!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Dee | 2009-03-12

I can' t read this too long

Reply to Dee

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