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Question
Posted by: Mary | 2010/01/06

My Traditional Mom

I have a problem with my mom who is a very traditional person and she believes in traditional healers and everytimes somethings goes wrong she runs to sangomas and she is expecting us ( he 5 children ) to also go and if we don' t she gets so upset thinking that we do not want to listen to her. I was retrenched at work with other 158 employees and she believes it was because I did not go to the sangoma. I am a 35 year old single mother of a 12 year old daughter I stay in a town house in Midrand paying R4000 a month and becuase I do not own my own house my moms thinks I am not being serious about life and she always compares us with other girls at home who are married and she believes someone has bewitched us ( me and my sisters ) because we are not married. My elder sister is married but she and her hubby don' t have their own house and my mom still believes she is being bewitched. My brother is self employed and the business did not do too well last year ( 2009 ) and she thinks is because of witchcraft and my two younger sisters are not working and she also thinks is because of witchcraft. i have too many problems where sometimes I feel like sharing them with my mom but she will not even listen she always grab her cellphone and phone the sangoma while you are still talking and make an appointment. I went once just to satisfy her and the sangoma charged R100 for the bones and R650 for medication and my sisters went as well and she paid that amount of money for each one of us which is a lot we did not use the muti' s that the sangma gave us because we do not believe and my mom was so upset saying we do not appreciate her help.
Not sure what to do please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It shows itself in different ways in different cultural groups, but difficulties large and small can arise in the naturally occurring differences between culturally traditional parents and children who are often more educated and with a wider experience of the world, who don 't share those beliefs and practices.
It's fair for a parent to expect you to respect her views AS THEY AFFECT HER and what she does ; but it is not fair for her to expect you to automatically and unthinkingly accept and follow her own beliefs.
Many of us do no believe that any sangoma, whatever he was paid, could influence whether or not people get retrenched at work. And if some of the workers consulted him, and some did not, how would that affect whether the firm retrenched people ? Is it really likely that somehow only the non-believers would get retrenched ?
Believing in bewitchment can be comforting, as it actually removes personal wishes and responsibility for whatever happens.
IF one too easily believes that everything that happens is due to bewitchment rather than as if usually the case, being a result of a mix of events and forces in society which you have no control over, and your own personal wishes and efforts, there's easily a tendency to feel you don't need to do anything to solve your own problems by yourself, but just to pay a sangoma and wait for things to solve themselves.
Some women just don't want to get married, and such an opinion ought to be respected. They shouldn't feel they HAVE to get married to make others happy. There are major economic reasons why many people can't yet afford a home they own - and if they pay a sangoma to intervene, they would have even less money to spend on housing.
There are many clear reasons why many good people dotn't have jobs at present, and witchcraft is really unlikely to be one of them.
One needs to make it clear, in a kind way, to one's parent, that though we respect her own opinions and beliefs as she chooses to apply them to herself, you do not share these beliefs, and don't have to, and expect her to also respect your right to believe differently - in the same way as you might support diferent political parties, different sports teams, or different religions.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/06

It shows itself in different ways in different cultural groups, but difficulties large and small can arise in the naturally occurring differences between culturally traditional parents and children who are often more educated and with a wider experience of the world, who don 't share those beliefs and practices.
It's fair for a parent to expect you to respect her views AS THEY AFFECT HER and what she does ; but it is not fair for her to expect you to automatically and unthinkingly accept and follow her own beliefs.
Many of us do no believe that any sangoma, whatever he was paid, could influence whether or not people get retrenched at work. And if some of the workers consulted him, and some did not, how would that affect whether the firm retrenched people ? Is it really likely that somehow only the non-believers would get retrenched ?
Believing in bewitchment can be comforting, as it actually removes personal wishes and responsibility for whatever happens.
IF one too easily believes that everything that happens is due to bewitchment rather than as if usually the case, being a result of a mix of events and forces in society which you have no control over, and your own personal wishes and efforts, there's easily a tendency to feel you don't need to do anything to solve your own problems by yourself, but just to pay a sangoma and wait for things to solve themselves.
Some women just don't want to get married, and such an opinion ought to be respected. They shouldn't feel they HAVE to get married to make others happy. There are major economic reasons why many people can't yet afford a home they own - and if they pay a sangoma to intervene, they would have even less money to spend on housing.
There are many clear reasons why many good people dotn't have jobs at present, and witchcraft is really unlikely to be one of them.
One needs to make it clear, in a kind way, to one's parent, that though we respect her own opinions and beliefs as she chooses to apply them to herself, you do not share these beliefs, and don't have to, and expect her to also respect your right to believe differently - in the same way as you might support diferent political parties, different sports teams, or different religions.

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