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Question
Posted by: Sam | 2012-07-23

My Son

Hi Doc, My son will be 20 next month, he is studying but seem to be unfocussed he isnt with me emotionally as before he parties every weekend is out with friends he doesnt go to church anymore....I sopke to him and told him my concerns about his way of life i feel that he is not as focused as before. He said to me he is young and his brothers went through this faze and so does all teens and i should stop being such a fus pot.
In the same breath he also says he needs to see a professional as he has inside turmoil he needs to speak to someone about. He is a brilliant student and now this is no longer important to him. Im single mom his father shows no interest in him at all. We are not financially very strong and I also feels that he compares his situation with his peers...They have all the niceties that life has to offer so I dont know if this all contributes to his behavior. When I speak to him he says it doesnt bother him he understands our financial situation. He feels he has nothing to look forward to at home and would rather spend it out with friends. I asked him if he was doing drugs becos both his older brothers were caught up in that hole, he said he doesnt do drugs i am free to take him for a test. He does drink alcohol. I am really concerned how should i handle this how can i support him what should I do. It also seems he wants to give up his studies and this concerns me so much. Please Help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not true that ALL teens go through such a phase - it's not compulsory, burt it is increasingly common. It sometimes seems that a hidden section of the Constitution defines an absolute human right to PARTY at every possible opportunity. There's no harm at all in young people wanting to have fun, but nobody can afford to seek fun all the time, unless it is at someone else's expense. YOuth is not an excuse for ignoring the realities of life and of what one needs to do to ensure an enjoyable future.
However, it is significant - if he says he has inner turmoil and needs to speak to a professional, attend to this and make sure this happens ; either privately or through counselling / student health services wherever it is he is studying.
As you imply, it can indeed be difficult for someone from a modest family background when surrounded by aggressively spending kids from wealthier families, used to wasting money on anything they fancy.
It is usually serious when any student, especially a brilliant student, especially one who appreciates what it has cost his family in sacrfiice to take him this far, talks of dropping out and ceasing his studies. All the more reason to strongly support his hint that he is indeed inwardly troubled and should see a professional. Do all you can to encourage this. It'd probably be most efficient and economical if he arranged this through his educational institution

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: sam | 2012-07-24

Thanks Doc for the advice i will put this into action. I have always had a very good relationship with all my kids we can talk and share and have heart to hearts This one speaks but I can feel that he is not giving everything. He is holding something my intuition as a Mother tells me this. He did not go to College yesterday and said he didnt need to be there. I asked him this morning to get up so he can get done his answer was I''m going to now. I then left for work. I called the college but its not easy to find out if the student is present. I will have to take off from to get to the bottom of what is bothering him.
Mandy I will be taking him for a test to check if he is clean thanks for the advice.
God Bless

Reply to sam
Posted by: Mandy | 2012-07-23

Tell your son that if he wants to be a ''beach bum'' then rather be one with an education behind him. At some stage in his life he will realise that this is all well and done but he has to buckle down and earn a living.

A 20 year old is actually NOT a teenager and he should behave like an adult. If you suspect he is on drugs then make him go for blood tests especially if he says he''s not. If you are paying for his education and his upkeep still then you have every right to call the shots and thats that!

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-07-23

Its not true that ALL teens go through such a phase - it's not compulsory, burt it is increasingly common. It sometimes seems that a hidden section of the Constitution defines an absolute human right to PARTY at every possible opportunity. There's no harm at all in young people wanting to have fun, but nobody can afford to seek fun all the time, unless it is at someone else's expense. YOuth is not an excuse for ignoring the realities of life and of what one needs to do to ensure an enjoyable future.
However, it is significant - if he says he has inner turmoil and needs to speak to a professional, attend to this and make sure this happens ; either privately or through counselling / student health services wherever it is he is studying.
As you imply, it can indeed be difficult for someone from a modest family background when surrounded by aggressively spending kids from wealthier families, used to wasting money on anything they fancy.
It is usually serious when any student, especially a brilliant student, especially one who appreciates what it has cost his family in sacrfiice to take him this far, talks of dropping out and ceasing his studies. All the more reason to strongly support his hint that he is indeed inwardly troubled and should see a professional. Do all you can to encourage this. It'd probably be most efficient and economical if he arranged this through his educational institution

Reply to cybershrink

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