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Posted by: Fiona | 2012-07-01

My sisters wedding

Hi all, I''ve written before because my sister decided to (at the same time of my announcing of my engagement) announce her and her boyfriend were getting married. I have made NO plans for my wedding as she suggested we have our weddings close together, and I didn''t want that.

So last week it was her wedding. I only found out about the date of the wedding literally only three days before after hearing from my grandmother about the wedding. I had to ask when the date was. So then I hear it is at a friends house that has caused a LOT of trouble for the family, especially my father so he didn''t come.

As it turns out, my sister and her boyfriend got legally married the day before. This thing last weekend was just a ceremony to include everyone... I asked why weren''t we (myself and my other sister) invited to be witnesses. My sister said there was no one there. My new brother in law said they had five of their friends there. My sister had only a maid of honour- the girl who helped them plan the wedding. The ring bearer was someone we''ve never even met- not my fiance or my sisters boyfriend or anyone else in our family.

My other sister loves to bake. My married sister got a friend to bake the cake (because we aren''t really sure about this union and we were honest about it). It was out of spite.

We were thanked last in their speech.

My sister and her husband never introduced us to their friends, never sat with us to eat, never spoke to us until after we had been there for six hours. They (sister and bro in law) said they didnt mean to leave us out, their friends offered to help, etc. I said how are we supposed to help when I didn''t even know when the wedding was, my other sister asked several times and never got a straight answer, their friends all happen to be co workers so they could plan at work, and how humiliating do they think it is that we were excluded. Their friends were staring at us (my other sister and I) and talking the whole evening. Someone told me to " save it"  because its their day. I went to cry in the garden.

I haven''t spoken to my sister the past whole week. I am so hurt at my sisters actions- I know it was her day which is why I didn''t bring it up with them (they did with me) but to completely exclude the sisters? My mom made me apologize infront of the family- I didn''t even do anything.

I don''t know what to do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, so now she has announced her date, you can arrange your own date so as NOT to be close to hers. I really think people, families included, make FAR TOO MUCH out of weddings these days, from Bridezilla insisting on elaborate dress, decor, etc., to fuss about who said what, knew what, witnessed what, and so on.
This idea that it is "her day", to be dictatorial and disregard the feelings of everyone else - and then presumably the rest of the marriage will never again be "her day" ?
Weddings are probably the least important part of any marriage.
I understand that you feel bad about the clumsy way she did this, but I doubt that anyone else with a brain in their head thought any the less of you for not being a part of the circus.
For your mom to have insisted that you apologise for apparently nothing but being upset, was ridiculous, and part of this nasty Bride-As-Dictator law that seems to be being enforced lately.
Relax, forgeddabout it, and plan your own happy day, to suit you and your fiance ( off how it never gets to be about HIS day, isn't it ? ) and ignore her. She has apparently chosen not to rate her relationship with you highly- OK, match that, but don't invest your own feelings or happiness in it.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Fiona | 2012-07-01

Thank you Liza for the first two posts.

For the third post, I do understand that but my sister knows we don''t have bad inentions. And we have reason not to like the husband (the fact that he sat at home for nearly a year to gain weight while my sister had to pay for everything, the fact that he is a control freak who does not allow my sister to help unless there is something in it for them, but they constantly ask for help). But when my sister told us about their engagement we did offer our help and support.

Reply to Fiona
Posted by: Liza | 2012-07-01

From your sister''s point of view you have to admit that it isn''t easy including someone in something they don''t approve of.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Liza | 2012-07-01

As for that apology, it should have gone something like this:

I''m sorry I came to the wedding....

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Liza | 2012-07-01

You''re not going to change the behavior of your sister so why even try? She did things her way. This has nothing to do with you. The fact that she''s excluding her own family from her life is her decision. A decision I can almost guaruantee will come to bite her on the behind in future. Why do you care so much what these other people think anyway? They''re going to think what they think depending on what she''s told them anyway. If they wanted to be rude and stared it has everything to do with their own bad manners and to an objective person, doesn''t reflect badly on you at all.

I don''t understand why you''re still trying to create a relationship with your sister where there is none simply because she''s not interested. When she contacts you - be polite and distant. Other than that - cut her from your life and your thoughts. She just isn''t worth the headache and stress. I cut my mom from my life for over a year because she was interfering in my marriage. After that year she actually apologized and asked to be included in my life again (to my mom this was HUGE - she NEVER apologizes and clings to her lies like a lifeline)

As for proverbs that apply - You can lead a horse to the water, but you can''t make him drink... Your sister is going to have to learn the hard way that blood is thicker than water...

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-07-01

OK, so now she has announced her date, you can arrange your own date so as NOT to be close to hers. I really think people, families included, make FAR TOO MUCH out of weddings these days, from Bridezilla insisting on elaborate dress, decor, etc., to fuss about who said what, knew what, witnessed what, and so on.
This idea that it is "her day", to be dictatorial and disregard the feelings of everyone else - and then presumably the rest of the marriage will never again be "her day" ?
Weddings are probably the least important part of any marriage.
I understand that you feel bad about the clumsy way she did this, but I doubt that anyone else with a brain in their head thought any the less of you for not being a part of the circus.
For your mom to have insisted that you apologise for apparently nothing but being upset, was ridiculous, and part of this nasty Bride-As-Dictator law that seems to be being enforced lately.
Relax, forgeddabout it, and plan your own happy day, to suit you and your fiance ( off how it never gets to be about HIS day, isn't it ? ) and ignore her. She has apparently chosen not to rate her relationship with you highly- OK, match that, but don't invest your own feelings or happiness in it.

Reply to cybershrink

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