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Posted by: Karlie | 2010/02/22

My sister- again!

Hello, this is the third time I’ m writing regarding my sister. I don’ t know why she just can’ t sort herself out. Now she had that horrible friend and now they aren’ t friends anymore (so she says, although they’ re still friends on Facebook). Her friend (we’ ll call her Anna) kept her locked out the house for the whole day a few weeks ago and I got a phone call after work from my sister (we’ ll call her Claire) asking me to come fetch her (I had to walk to my moms house to fetch her car because my car has been broken for weeks and we- boyfriend and I- haven’ t had the money to fix it (and his car was a write off in a car accident a short while ago). So she told me how her friend thought that she had stolen something from her (as if- my sister will steal from everyone else except her beloved friend. Now my sister has been staying with my mother (jobless) and she seems to do nothing the whole day- she’ s applied for two jobs and she thinks that she’ s made an effort. My parents are giving her money (may I add that she’ s almost 25 years old?) and she does nothing but sit at home or go sit at the local news café  (she doesn’ t have a job, no money, and a pile of debt that she owes my family but she can sit at News Café ???????). So she comes to my house for lunch (I work close to home so I go home for lunch) and she doesn’ t want to eat my food but she’ ll scratch in my cupboards for any snacks I may have lying around. Then she has the audacity to say oh how it sucks to have no money, bla bla bla and I said to her at least you don’ t have any responsibilities and she was all like, yes I do- once I start work I’ ll need at least R2000 for this course (she wants to do a course in English so she can go to China) and I’ m so angry at her- I would LOVE to go and study but I can’ t afford it- I have a car that I need to fix and rent that I need to pay and I’ m moving at the end of the week and I have to pay for the movers and she’ s crying that only ONCE she has a job THEN she’ ll need a whole R2000 to study?????? My mom said she’ ll help Claire to get her back on her feet never mind that Claire owes her hundreds and hundreds!!! I mean I’ ve never actually gotten an apology or anything from Claire- I took out a contract phone for her and within a month the hone had been “ stolen” - please bear in mind that when I got the contract for her it was only done that way because Claire didn’ t have a bank account and we took out insurance for that exact reason!!!! She pretended for a month that the phone was broken, the charger was at Anna’ s house, etc, until she said that it was stolen- does she think I’ m stupid!!!!!! But when I went to fetch her that day she was locked out, she couldn’ t help but throw in that her screen of her phone was broken and that oh, woe is her- it was a touch screen phone and it’ s going to cost so much to fix (at my parents expense, no doubt). I’ m using a 4 year old phone because my contract phone broke and it’ s out of warranty and I don’ t have the money to fix it. Then when she comes to my house, my kitten stalked her and clawed her shoes and Claire moans at my kitten that oh those are R500 pair of shoes- but she has no money? I don’ t have money to buy a R150 pair of shoes, let alone R500!!!!!!!!! Now in an act of spitefulness, Anna refuses to give Claire her clothes back. So my dad suggested to Claire that she must write the clothes off and my mom must open an account at Mr. Price or something so Claire can get new clothes. So on Saturday Claire asked me to lend her a pair of pants and I told her no (I have one decent pair of jeans and one decent pair of pants- the rest are old and broken and they wouldn’ t fit her anyway because she’ s lost so much weight because of the drugs). So then she wants to borrow my pants until the account is open! And I told her that I wear them and perhaps if she had kept some of the money my parents had given her she’ d have money to buy clothes with and she must go sell something of hers if she’ s desperate. So she SMS’ s me and tells ME that SHE doesn’ t need that attitude from me! Can you believe it!!!!!!!! She has nothing and does nothing and she’ s stolen and lied and everything and what does she get for it???????? A whole new wardrobe and money for doing nothing????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I’ m struggling to pay my own way and she thinks that she can just walk in and everyone must help her? Never mind that when she was friends with Anna, I only ever heard from her when she needed money and a lift? And she thinks that a simple “ I’ m sorry”  in an SMS will do? I resent my sister so much and I resent my family for just helping her the way they are.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I entirely agree with Maria.
Your sister does't need to be motivated to sort herself out so long as others do this for her, and pay for her bad habits.
Stop feeding her. her plan to teach English to China seems likely to be doomed.
Don't get her another phone - who on earth does she need to call ?
Your family is foolishly encouraging her to continue to be irresponsible. Look after yourself, and stop paying attention to her selfish demands.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: anna | 2010/02/22

Find out if there are Alanon or NarcAnon meetings being held anywhere near you, and attend them. If your sister is a drug addict, then both you and your parents need to be properly equipped to manage the problem - no amount of help or reasoning will be useful.

From the sound of the manipulation and the vanishing cell phones, this is a text book case of addiction, and, if you don''t know what you''re doing, it will end in tears for everyone.

AA and NarcAnon run programmes for family that help them to protect themselves and help the addict. Let us know what happens.

Reply to anna
Posted by: Liza | 2010/02/22

Tough love is the only way to go. You cannot afford to give her anything. Give her a pinky and she grabs you round the neck and hangs on - throttling you in the process? You definitely don''t need that. Life is expensive enough without having to support dead weight.

Like my sister and her husband. Always the latest cellphones and the latest infomercial white elephants, yet they beg me for money for food, money for rent, money to fix my sisters'' car.... They both have jobs - albeit not very high paying jobs. I have to support myself, I have to support my Dad and I have to give my ex-husband support money for our 2 boys. My medical expenses are astronomical due to me being bipolar. Where must I scratch out R9000 to fix my sisters'' car? I don''t even HAVE a car. I use public transport because I cannot afford a car. But my sister heard that I had a big tax payback and a bonus last month. Only problem - Every single cent was accounted for in my budget to go towards essentials and I spent that money on the budget items. Now she won''t believe that I don''t have any money left. Telling me that I''m selfish and stingy ?!?

Before I really start to get myself worked up again -

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/22

Your parents may be choosing to keep throwing money at your sister. You don''t have to. Tell her that you find her behaviour unacceptable and until you see clear signs that she is helping herself she is not welcome at your house and you''re not giving her anything. This sounds harsh but it is tough love. Your sister, like many drug addicts, sound extremely manipulative and you need to remove yourself from the situation. Good luck.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/22

I entirely agree with Maria.
Your sister does't need to be motivated to sort herself out so long as others do this for her, and pay for her bad habits.
Stop feeding her. her plan to teach English to China seems likely to be doomed.
Don't get her another phone - who on earth does she need to call ?
Your family is foolishly encouraging her to continue to be irresponsible. Look after yourself, and stop paying attention to her selfish demands.

Reply to cybershrink

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