Posted by: Worried | 2013-01-09

My Sex Life

Hallo everyone,

It is my first time posting in here and I would really appriciate your advices.
I am a married woman and I have lost so much interest in my sex life and this is really concernig nem now as I dont have a clue where to start. My husand had hurt me so much in the past and this had resulted in me not interested in him sexually anymore. I dont even bother initiating sex with him and when he does, I got so annoyed I dont even want him to touch me. I am really worried as this has been going for a long time and sometimes I become scared that he is or will cheat on me. I still care bout him bout I am not sure if I still love him. I am not intending to divorce him, I really want things to go back to normal and I really wanna forgive and forget but how do I do it? How do I enjoy makin love with him without thinking bout all the hurtful experiences in the past?

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Posted by: JR | 2013-01-10

tx so much JR, you are so amazing I must say. Yes I do have journols, every year i start a new one (remember when u posted something about u getting rid of your journal i also posted somthing telling u I still have mines?). A I look back and read all of them theres no much improvement, I still feel this hatred and resentment towards him. Deep down something is telling me that I still love him but I keep on blashing that away, I have prayed bout it, still do, sometimes I feel fine but there are those days that I just dont want anything to do with him. Hopefully things would get better as the time goes by, cant wait for that day to come where I would totally wipe everything out of my mind....tx once more. my email is, would love to hear more from u.

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Posted by: JR | 2013-01-09

Forgiveness takes time. It''s not something that you say, and then everything is better again and we go on as if nothing happened. Forgiveness is a process, and before forgiveness can take place, you need to heal, and from what I am reading there is still a very long way to go.

You need to start by expressing your feelings. Get a journal and write down everything you feel, how much you hate him, how much you love him. Just start writing and write down every thought as it enters your mind. Do not edit anything and do not sugar coat anything. Be as expressive as you want. If you want to scream, do it, laugh if you want, cry - even cry hysterically. It''s ok. The point is to let the poison out.

This is not something you do once of, you do it every single day. I recently read back on all my journals, and it was interesting how full of hatered and bitterness I was in the early days, but how gradually it became better, and I actually shuddered at the terrible things I said. But It needed to come out, because that is what was in my heart at the time.

Your sex life will automatically suffer if you are not emotionally connected to your husband, which you clearly aren''t at the moment.

To affair proff your marriage, he needs to know that you still care for him, despite everything. Now, this is the hard part, because there is conflic. In your head you know you do, but every action you take sends hima message of quite the opposite. So you have to align your thoughts with your actions. Remember, he is not going to change. If you want change, it''s up to you. It''s bullsh!t I know, but it''s how it is, and what you have to do if you want different results.

A practical thing you can do daily is, choose one act of kindness that you can do that he would not expect from you. Nothing major, keep it simple like, take him a cup of coffee in bed. It must be something he is not expecting, so if you always take him coffee in this way, it''s nothing special or out of the ordinary for him, and that is the idea. You want him to sit up and take notice.....

I would love to tell you more about how I changed how I think about things (because that is the bottom line - as you think so shall you be). If you woiuld be willing to post your email address, I will reply and we can chat further. Also post your quesiton to a chap called Brendan on the Man Talk forum. Just be ware, those people can be quite nasty sometimes, but I like how Brendan thinks, and in the past he helped me quite a bit with his suggestions as well.

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

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