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Question
Posted by: keshnee | 2010/10/18

My past that haunts me

Hi Doc

I need help.

I have married my boyfriend of 15 years and now I feel I have made a big mistake in life. I am hurt, heart broken and depressed and though about suicide but then again my parents need me. I am the sole supporter of my parents and 2 younger brothers.

My husband has been the most supportive boyfriend over the 15 years but lies alot. He said it would stop after marriage but it didn''t. He has stood with his parents and have called me names, never defends me when he is with his parents or brother. I feel I gave up my parents a long time ago to be with him and now all that matters is how his parents feel. They are 2 brothers and the other brother gets all the attention and so does his girlfriend of 7 months.

When I got married, my wedding was called off 3 weeks before the date by this mother as the brother wanted invites for friends. I with through a rough time trying to convince them to let me get merried, I admit I was so blinded by the wedding I did not see reality and the truth that stared me in my face. I am married now but can''t forget the wedding disaster, the name calling and I blame my husband. He also says that it is in the past and he cannot change it but I can''t let go.

What can I do as I cannot let go off the past and everything his family did to me and they still intreat me. I also don''t want a divorce because his brother told me that if I get married I will get divorce.

We have ugly fights because he is always defending his parents and never seem to see what they trying to do. It seems that they could do whatever they wanted to do with me because I come from a poor family but well educated(therefore the disaster at my wedding and name calling, meetings with my parents were they told my dad I am a b!ich,etc) and the brothers girlfriend is from a rich family therefore she is treated like a queen

Please help, I have so much to tell but the bottom line is I need to find a way to let go off the past and concerntrate on the future. I am so angry that I want what happened to me and my wedding to happen to the brother because he is getting married but they are leaving us totally out of the wedding plans.

What can I do, I am going insane.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

When a liar tells you he will stop lying - he's lying ! This sounds like an awfully selfish family. And if he already has a girl-friend, and the family treat her better than you, he's hardly committed to the marriage. If he isnt willing to join you sincerely in proper marriage counselling, maybe you'd do better to consult a lawyer ?
See a counsellor to work out what is best for you. Don't avoid divorce just because someone else might be maliciously pleased if it happend - the issue is what is best for you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: keashnee | 2010/10/19

Thank you all for your help. I will start focusing on myself and I am cutting my in laws out as well as my husband until we can come to an agreement. I will divorce if that is my last option because I believed that marriage is forever. Maybe we need some time out but my problem is we are only married for 7 months.

Reply to keashnee
Posted by: Emma | 2010/10/19

Hi there, in-laws are a pain and they can cause lots of damage to a marriage. My husband and I separated because of them. But I blame the man that cannot stand up for his family. I agree with CS do what makes you happy. Even if it is getting a divorce. Please think of yourself here. Remember they are not going to change. At the moment they can see that they are getting to you and they enjoy it. Do some activities that makes YOU feel gr8 and automatically they wont matter anymore. That is what I done...I totally cut myself off with no regret only because my decisions were not based on any negative feelings but what was best for me. Good luck, I acknowlege that this is a tough patch for you. All of the best!!!

Reply to Emma
Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/18

Tell your hubby you want to start over. Book a holiday away from family - for like a week. While there talk about the FUTURE, plan your family life etc - Not the past.

Moving away - i.e. not living in the same city as inlaws makes a difference

PS: Doc doesn''t read post that he has responded to soe he is not aware of your response.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/18

Go for counseling. Then you can find out what you really want and what is best for you. You need to stand up for yourself. When your in-laws treat you badly, you have to tell them immediately that their behaviour is not acceptable.

If your husband isn''t willing to stand by you - then he isn''t worth it anyway. Divorce might be your only option. Don''t dismiss it just because brother-in-law said that you would divorce anyway. When brother-in-law tries to tell you - I told you so - reply that you''re worth more than having to put up with his crappy family. Then with the divorce - sue your husband for every single cent he has. Normally I wouldn''t recommend it - but your husband and his family need to learn a really expensive lesson!

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Keshnee | 2010/10/18

Thanks Doc but my husband don''t have a girlfriend, it is his brothers girlfriend that is been treated like a queen and accepted by the family. Sorry for the confusion.

Reply to Keshnee
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/18

When a liar tells you he will stop lying - he's lying ! This sounds like an awfully selfish family. And if he already has a girl-friend, and the family treat her better than you, he's hardly committed to the marriage. If he isnt willing to join you sincerely in proper marriage counselling, maybe you'd do better to consult a lawyer ?
See a counsellor to work out what is best for you. Don't avoid divorce just because someone else might be maliciously pleased if it happend - the issue is what is best for you.

Reply to cybershrink

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