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Question
Posted by: sunny | 2009-07-22

My mother the manipulator

My mother is really giving me stress. She' s got issues with everyone, she is alway the victim. She is not speaking to my brother for something that should have been soughted long time ago if she allowed it.

If she wants money, she must have it. She is leaving alone, earning old age grant, she is even doing dressmaking and she is doing well apparently, I give her money everymonth. But no that is not enough.

Where she' s staying she does not pay rent, it is a rural area, the only expenditure she has is for electricity and food.

Now she has created this problem the needs are financial boost after telling not to do it, she agreed and went behind my back to ask money from my husband and he gave that money.

Now more funds are needed for her project, we found that the is a cheaper and safer way to finish that, but no she want the most expensive one(luxury), She proposed that I should get a loan and my sister should also contribute. My sister is not working how can she.

When I tell her that, she treatend to sell all her furniture to get money. How can she do that to us.

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Our expert says:
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Talk peacefully with your husband, and tell him not to give her any more money. And tell her that you won't give her a cent for any luxury, or for doing anythign the most expensive way, rather than any good but cheaper way. If she sells her furniture, she would have to live without furniture. Is that really what she wants to do ? Remind her that your sister is not working and can't afford to fund her, and that you can't do more than a limited amount. She must stick within her available budget. She can only make a fire as large as the firewood she actually has.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2009-07-22

We are paying off a R475000 loan which my husband' s family incurred .... how much worse than that could it get? DO NOT TAKE OUT LOANS TO ASSIST YOUR MOTHER!!! My husband signed as surety for the loan his family took and because of that we have already had to sell one car to pay off other debts as we cannot afford to pay that loan together with our other monthly expenses ... don' t allow anyone to bully you into doing this! DONT! DONT! DONT! I begged my husband not to sign for the debt, but he went ahead and did it, now he is crying crocodile tears as we are saddled with this debt for the next 18 years (it' s a bond they took over a property!) STUPID IDEA on their side, STUPID HUSBAND who signed as surety ... now my young child and I suffer due to constant lack of money ....

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: L | 2009-07-22

I m glad i not alone in this situation. I got to the point where by I have to make a real hard decision with her,which was very very difficult to do but it was all worth it

I dont give my mother money at all. It was very difficult for me and her to adjust to that change, it took a lot of months for her not talking to me etc. I found out during this time that she does survive without me giving her money, it was just a habit and manipulation on her side.

From time to time every 3 months I go home, and I stock up as much grocery as I can. Now she has learn to appreciate as she knows if she complains she will loose even that grocery priviledge.

All I am trying to say some parents can be manipulative if you allow them to, especially when u are married. Make the rules with her, be firm and implement them. Myself I even told her not to phone my ubby and ask 4 money again. If she does I will fight her with everything I have. She does not do it anymore

Otherwise you wont have a happy marriage.

Reply to L

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