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Question
Posted by: Ruth | 2011/05/10

My mother hates my late father

He has been dead 20yrs. He was an abusive, violent pig who finally killed himself to everyone's relief. My brothers turned out the same tho &  we never see them. My mother (70) lives with me. I'm 46. Whenever I get annoyed with her/lose my temper/have a bad day/say the wrong thing/check her (God Forbid a daughter can do this in her own house when she pays for everything) I am told I am a carbon copy of hated late him.

I told her today that I do not care, I am 50% her and 50% him and I know who &  what I am. I'm not apologising for myself - only my parents who should never have had kids. I told her that her youngest son is a carbon copy of her and he is nobody''s fav person either.

I said everything he did to you i.e. irritate you, dissapoint you, drive you crazy you do to me. She cannot support herself. I was told she is an adult &  responsible for herself. Yeh right: she lost all her money years ago. I have my faults, but she is really difficult to live with.

I just really take offence to being told I am like my late hated dead father because I can't help that. And the fact she told me it is my house so I must clean it. Actually it is horrible we scream at each other, swear at each other. I told her to do it my way or find another home. Her reply to me was F-Off. We do not get on.

Now I gave her little state pension &  said enjoy it but feed yourself on it please - because she told me I control her & the groceries. I will take care of everything else incl her med aid, bond the lot. I used to because she wastes money and has no idea how to economise so I am scared we just end up in shite. My salary actually is not enough. She has her own car as well. Am I being unreasonable or is she really unfair by telling me I am like my father (who I also hated). After living with her I can see why and how she would have driven him crazy. No excuse to be violent but she can can drive the Pope into a rage.

It began because I said I am broke, I have bills to pay, this is the last of the milk pls use it sparingly. I got up to find her sloshing it out for her damn dog. A huge fight ensued. I said you do not do that when someone is struggling to support you. She said you go beserk over a bit of milk. I said so take your pension and carry the stress of funding your own food for a month then you will see what it is like.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like he was a despicable man, anyone would have been glad to see the end of.
She probably would not accept a suggestion that she see a counsellor, but by her continuing hatred she is keeping him alive, and maintaining him as a force in your home and your lives.
She may be technically an adult, but if she can't support herself, she's not truly independent.
Don't even accept the suggestion that you are like your late father - that's just a private swearword she uses to hurt you.
Of course you control the groceries which you buy and pay for.
The idea of telling her to manage her food alone on her pension is tempting ( though on her own it would have to pay for much more than food ), but I wonder whether at her age she has the capacity to learn ?
Truth's commwents make a lot of sense, though There also raises important issues of exploring actual costs.
I am not aware o any law that would FORCE children to care for their parents or pay maintenance. Enforcing subsidy to people who wasted all their own money and are then busy wasting someone else's is nonsense and damages your own human rights.
As for the car, is she really a safe enough driver to keep her driver's license ?

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Ginger | 2011/05/11

I agree with Truth, get rid of the car &  perhaps the dog as well. In the meantime you''ll have to just hang in there &  trust God.

Reply to Ginger
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/11

Sounds like he was a despicable man, anyone would have been glad to see the end of.
She probably would not accept a suggestion that she see a counsellor, but by her continuing hatred she is keeping him alive, and maintaining him as a force in your home and your lives.
She may be technically an adult, but if she can't support herself, she's not truly independent.
Don't even accept the suggestion that you are like your late father - that's just a private swearword she uses to hurt you.
Of course you control the groceries which you buy and pay for.
The idea of telling her to manage her food alone on her pension is tempting ( though on her own it would have to pay for much more than food ), but I wonder whether at her age she has the capacity to learn ?
Truth's commwents make a lot of sense, though There also raises important issues of exploring actual costs.
I am not aware o any law that would FORCE children to care for their parents or pay maintenance. Enforcing subsidy to people who wasted all their own money and are then busy wasting someone else's is nonsense and damages your own human rights.
As for the car, is she really a safe enough driver to keep her driver's license ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: There! | 2011/05/10

Fortunately, our parent does not live with me, but can be and is extremely demanding. They live in residential care, and it is NOT CHEAP. It costs us in excess of R5000.00 pm for accomodation and meals only, there there is still medical, telephone, etc. on top of that.

Think carefully before taking the route Truth advises, because the financial weight is enormous. As far as not being able to support herself, and as much as that may be true, the law in this country (as far as I can establish) demands that children take care of their aged parents. If they don''t the parents have the right to seek legal assistance in getting their children to pay them maintenance. Be grateful she has some sort of income, no matter how meagre. I would be grateful for any form of financial assistance. Our parent has absolutely NO means of income, because all money was squandered, leaving us picking up the pieces. I now feel bittter and angry at the fact that I have to suffer due to their lack of planning and hapless spending, and can''t make provision for my own old age because of the situation.

While I don''t think your situation is a reason to have to withstand this verbal/emotional abuse, I would think carefully before considering residential care.

Reply to There!
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/10

Put her in residential care - it will be a fixed cost every month so you can budget for it.
She does not need a car so stop paying for petrol and maintenance.She will eventually sell it once she realises the free ride is over. Keep paying the medical aid - no matter how obnoxious someone is they dont deserve to die in a state hospital.

Reply to Truth

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