advertisement
Question
Posted by: Sharon | 2012/07/10

My mother

Yes Cybershrink I did tell I wanted to watch the program 3 x. She tells me do not make a noise a want to watch such and such and I abide. There is nothing wrong with her at all, she reads a book a day from the library on average, she can drive, she can cook very well, she do housework (what she wants to do), she has a pet, she exels at crosswords.
Yes I am extremely angry. I am not sure she was such a fabulous mother either - she married her husband to get away from her mother. She told me she did not love him. She brought 3 kids into the fray and he was a wife beater. He killed himself. My brothers are two rotters. I feel that the same reasons I feel irritated with her as the same reasons other do too.c No she did not make the coffee delibrately (for herself) to annoy me. She did it because she thinks of herself. A psychologist once told me that my mother says me as an extension of herself that is why she cannot hear me. The question is what must I do about it and how do I do it? What am I capable of giving or doing that I actually cannot? I am tired of these people that tell me to dump her. It is not in my nature. I am not that cruel to see her suffer on the street or go hungry. But living with her is very difficult. My salary goes on rent, electricity, food for us both, petrol for her and my car (I gave her my old car), insurance, medical aid (she had many surgeries she has arthritis, so do I), medication that the medical aid does not pay for - falls outside of the PMB this month I paid R3171 for med aid and R2 360 for cash meds, tracker on my car, curves (I joined coz my GP said I am heading for a heart attack), her medical bills, some of mine, some air-time, no maid (can''t afford), no entertainment (no money), a cash loan from Cash Crusaders to make ends meet. she gets a state pension and it goes towards the household expenses and I am still short. I am cross over the jam because she eats one piece of bread after another with loads of jam because she is just too lazy to make meals for herself and she can do it. She watches TV all day (I pay for the license). She won''t go to church because I left the church. Suddenly she does not like it. She wont go to the shops if I ask (Unless I beg her). She cannot control the finances but when I tell her to do she declines to do that. She passed the Alzeihmers tests and brain scans with flying colours. the reality is that I am going to end up single and with no life at all. Par for the course of course. I have had hell for 14 years - my brothers got themselvees into trouble and landed in prison. She collapsed. Who was it left to - me. Who lost their job as a result ? Me. Who lost the love of their life - me?Who saw her though 8 ops?Me.Who pays for everything and gets very little in return?Me. Who gets up and carries on no matter what?Me.Who saw my father try to kill my mother and brothes?Me. Who went to see a psychologist who told me to get as far away from them as I possibly could. Did I listen?Yes. But I ran to help my mother when she went to pieces and my brother was sitting in prison. The last 14 years of my life has been hell. And you say walk away from it? Tell you what - you take mom for a week and lets chat after that. You live through what I have survived and have to cope with and lets chat again. Really, it is not that easy. Communicare is not the answer either. She was in Abbeyfield and they asked me to take her out. I feel sorry for her and everything that has happened to her. I feel obliged to make it right. Why do I? There is no money to pay for an old age home and could I see her in some shoddy state old age home - no I couldn''t. By the way I phoned FAMSA on a sliding scale I must pay R375 per session. May as well bay to the moon. I said do you people realise that many of us earn salaries but are in debt or struggling. We are sliding down and not on your scale. Try taking off work to see a state psychologist. Tell your employer this. Yeh right. And as for the NHI I wait with bated breath to see how much more I am going to have to pay in since I have medical aid and it is killing me anyway.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If she had such an awful mother that she was desperate enough to marry ( and stay with ) an abuser, to get away from MOm, and that sounds very credible, then she probably never saw a model of how an excellent mother behaves, and may be trying hard to be unlike her mom, without entirely knowing how to do it right.
With an abusive spouse who then suicided, and with two rotter sons, she has hardly lived an easy or happy life.
She may not be ignoring your needs and wishes so much as assuming that these are exactly matching her own.
Yes, you pay for the TV license, but it doesn't cost you one cent more if she watches it all day, while you're out, does it ? I mention that as an illustration hof how you interpret much of what she does as though it costs you extra ( even when it doesnt ) and as though it is deliberately intended to damage you ( when it isn't)
Yes, I wont be holding my breathe until NHI actually provides realistic and quality cover.
Your situation is indeed highly frustrating and irritating - and others have it even worse, with a much more demanding person to care for, and someone far more needy in terms of extra work fro you - I have experience of such situations. Its usually in the end about doing what one knows is the right thing to do, because that's the sort of person you are, and because you'd hate yourself for not doing what's needed
Aleast, you say, she CAN care for herself and do chores and other helpful things, but she needs some supervision from you - that's a whole lot better than someone in her position being unable to do anything whatever for herself.
What your story points out so clearly is that though there are a very few facilities like Communicare that are helpful, provision for the proper and dignified care of the elderly and disabled in South Afric is largely non-existent, and often primitive and crude and unpleasant when any exists. That is a broad disgrace which the communities need to care about and do something positive about. Endless resources are poured ( I know I won't be popular for saying this ) into caring for people with HIV/AIDS which is, to be fair, now largely a viluntary and avoidable condition, and by contrast hardly anything put into the care of so many other illnesses and categories of people needing and deserving care

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2012/07/11

Hi Sharon,

Firstly I don''t remember commenting on either your income or CS''s income. If memory serves, you were the one who told everyone what your income is and how you spend it. I just said that if your mother isn''t receiving a state pension that she should apply.

I know the situation is difficult. I''ve been in your shoes. In my case, my Dad lived with me until he got a Communicare flat and lived there for almost four years before his health forced him into a home with frail care. It wasn''t about dumping him anywhere. It was about allowing him to live a life as independent as possible - under close family supervision. I was lucky that my aunt or uncle could visit him every day and make sure he was eating and taking his medication when I couldn''t. He actually enjoyed living there simply because of the social aspects - he was friends with almost everyone and there was always someone to visit with and talk to. I''ve had a look at the Abbeyfield houses and honestly - as nice as the places are, they''re small old age homes. There is a big difference between an old age home and a Communicare flat. With a Communicare flat the residents have much more privacy and independence. Would your mother be able to cope if you visited every day to ensure her needs are met?

Other than that, the only things you can do is to lock the fridge and only give her a certain ration of jam/milk etc that she has to make last the whole day and perhaps even give her a list of alternative things she can make to eat instead of just sandwiches. I know when I''m not thinking about it, I also tend to just grab a sandwich when the stomach growls. It''s not because there isn''t alternatives, it''s just because I don''t think about the alternatives. Also turn your bedroom into your refuge so that you can escape her when she''s being particulary inconsiderate. What you really need is a holiday to get away from it all for a while although that might be a little difficult to arrange.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Sharon | 2012/07/11

Hi Liza

My mother is terrified of being left alone by me or put into an old age home. That is why it is such a big issue for me - I am trying to be patient instead of just dumping her somewhere. I do not have the money and she does not take care of herself unless I watch her. I tried this as a study and she failed it with her eating for example.
You do not know what Cybershrink earns or myself for that matter, not for you to comment on.
I did have her in a home and they asked me to fetch her.
She is too young for a lot of places, too old for others and neither independent nor dependent. It is difficult.
And really my mom is very trying her own friend told me so in confidence so I do not imagine it.

Thank you for the advice.

Reply to Sharon
Posted by: Romany | 2012/07/11

Liza gave you solid advice in response to your last post. have you actually tried finding the accommodation as she suggested?
If not, you really need to do this asap.
If you are not going to do this, you need to " suffer in silence" I am afraid.
You cannot continue writing these long stories to CS (Who is not getting paid for his advice), and then you get the advise and you do not follow it?
Do as Liza said and come back to this forum and tell us how it went please.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Gogo | 2012/07/11

I do understand your frustration about your mother, she is old and i wish i had my mother by my side but she is not there for me or my children seeing them playing. Please just try to be patient,

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/11

If she had such an awful mother that she was desperate enough to marry ( and stay with ) an abuser, to get away from MOm, and that sounds very credible, then she probably never saw a model of how an excellent mother behaves, and may be trying hard to be unlike her mom, without entirely knowing how to do it right.
With an abusive spouse who then suicided, and with two rotter sons, she has hardly lived an easy or happy life.
She may not be ignoring your needs and wishes so much as assuming that these are exactly matching her own.
Yes, you pay for the TV license, but it doesn't cost you one cent more if she watches it all day, while you're out, does it ? I mention that as an illustration hof how you interpret much of what she does as though it costs you extra ( even when it doesnt ) and as though it is deliberately intended to damage you ( when it isn't)
Yes, I wont be holding my breathe until NHI actually provides realistic and quality cover.
Your situation is indeed highly frustrating and irritating - and others have it even worse, with a much more demanding person to care for, and someone far more needy in terms of extra work fro you - I have experience of such situations. Its usually in the end about doing what one knows is the right thing to do, because that's the sort of person you are, and because you'd hate yourself for not doing what's needed
Aleast, you say, she CAN care for herself and do chores and other helpful things, but she needs some supervision from you - that's a whole lot better than someone in her position being unable to do anything whatever for herself.
What your story points out so clearly is that though there are a very few facilities like Communicare that are helpful, provision for the proper and dignified care of the elderly and disabled in South Afric is largely non-existent, and often primitive and crude and unpleasant when any exists. That is a broad disgrace which the communities need to care about and do something positive about. Endless resources are poured ( I know I won't be popular for saying this ) into caring for people with HIV/AIDS which is, to be fair, now largely a viluntary and avoidable condition, and by contrast hardly anything put into the care of so many other illnesses and categories of people needing and deserving care

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement