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Question
Posted by: FRUSTRATED | 2012-10-05

MY MOM

Hi CS,

About a month ago my mother and i had an argument about one of my nephews birthdays. She got highly emotional and was very rude to me, thus resulted in no communication between the two of us for a month. This morning i gave her a call and she was very cold to me, almost sarcastic. My mom is the type of person who is never wrong, its either her way or the highway and when she does apologize she doesnt really mean, she doesnt really admit to being wrong / rude. My dad always complaines about this :)

I love my mom, she''ll always done her best for us and made a lot of sacrifices. I now have this feeling of not wanting to go visit her as i know she''ll be cold and probably lecture me for being wrong when i wasnt. (I forgot to mention that she knows where i live and has my telephone numbers and has not once enquired as to how i am). Do i just push it aside and be a respectfull child? Or stay away and wait for the feeling to subside or maybe for her to call me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its easy for two people who basically love each other to have awful arguments - even over what afterwards seem pathetically small issues. And when fighting we say awful things to each other, which reflect the temporary awfulness of our feelings of the moment, rather than things we mean enduringly.
Then, too, some people - often with a basic lack of self-esteem - find it awfully difficult to apologise or face the possibility of being wrong.
You love her and want to continue the relationship. Why not call her again and apologise. You needn't actually say you or she were wrong about the basic issue, whatever it was, but apologise for having allowed the issue to turn into an argument, and say you're sorry that she became so upset and that this has cooled the relationship between you, one which you really value.
If you think about it, all of that is probably true. Maybe at the heart of the situation she was wrong ( not that that usually matters in the end ) and over-reacted, but you ARE surely sorry that this turned nasty and that she became upset ( even if the upsetness was actually her own choice and her own doing ). It leaves unsaid the issues you both could choose to squabble about, to no benefit to either of you.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012-10-05

Even if you were wrong it is better to say you are sorry and get it over with. If she is like you say she is, she will not contact you. As the child and for the peace between you be the lessor one and make the first move.

I know it is hard but isn''t it better than what is now going on?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-10-05

Its easy for two people who basically love each other to have awful arguments - even over what afterwards seem pathetically small issues. And when fighting we say awful things to each other, which reflect the temporary awfulness of our feelings of the moment, rather than things we mean enduringly.
Then, too, some people - often with a basic lack of self-esteem - find it awfully difficult to apologise or face the possibility of being wrong.
You love her and want to continue the relationship. Why not call her again and apologise. You needn't actually say you or she were wrong about the basic issue, whatever it was, but apologise for having allowed the issue to turn into an argument, and say you're sorry that she became so upset and that this has cooled the relationship between you, one which you really value.
If you think about it, all of that is probably true. Maybe at the heart of the situation she was wrong ( not that that usually matters in the end ) and over-reacted, but you ARE surely sorry that this turned nasty and that she became upset ( even if the upsetness was actually her own choice and her own doing ). It leaves unsaid the issues you both could choose to squabble about, to no benefit to either of you.

Reply to cybershrink

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