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Question
Posted by: Jennifer | 2011/10/03

My married ex and I

My ex and I parted ways in 1997. He married barely a year later and had 2 kids. I met someone 6 months later and we broke up about 2 years ago. My married ex and I have remained in contact, his wife encouraged us to be friends. My boyfriend was unhappy about it so my married ex and I chatted now and then. We see each other about every 8 months or so. Nothing is between us. However we had a talk and admit that we both got involved on the rebound and were and are still in love with each other. Everyone around us confirms this. We maintain we are just friends. We are. But we are two people who long for each other. I am nobody''s other woman and he is not the cheating kind. He has not been happy in his marriage and they discussed divorce in-between us chatting i.e. I never knew. They separated for a while. My whole family loves him - he is fun, good, kind. He is so unhappy and what I predicted (to myself) came true. We are both over 40. I never interfere I am just a supportive friend. I accept it is over between us (I left him and still know why) but how sad is it that we love each other and keep it hidden. He is trying to make his marriage work and the kids are the priority. I see him getting divorced in the future, but as much as I would want him back I would not just take him back either. No more rebounds. I encourage him to sort out his life. How come our feelings never died? We were kids then. I broke off the engagement at the time to his family''s total horror.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How genuinely did you two "part the ways"? Why did you choose to remain in close friendly contact with your ex, especially after he was married ? Why did you break up in the first place ?
He married a year later, and had children - that's a lot more than "on the rebound". And now he is being emotionally unfaithful to his present wife, and can't be investing to the extent that he should in that relationship, while he is hanging onto you. His wife sounds naive. If "everybody" knows you're btoh still in love, why doesn't she ?
You ARE already "the other woman". If he is so fun, good, kind, and universally loved why did you two ever part at all ?
If he has problems with his wife, he should discuss these with her, not you, and they should see a marriage counsellor together, and try to sort these out. If this proves imposible, and they decide to get divorced, leave them to make those decisions and actions on their own. AFTER a divorce, you would be free to make contact with him again, and see if you both still want to start all over again.
If he is still talkin g intimately with you about all this, and not seing a counsellor with his wife, the he is NOT "trying to make it work.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/10/03

Just another perfect example of people that give up on marraige too easy, thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.
If nothing else, I hope people considering divorce for selfish or stupid reasons will read your post and learn from it.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: JenniferToo! :) | 2011/10/03

In all honesty, I don''t believe that people marry and have kids with someone " on the rebound" . He must love his wife to have married her and have kids with her. Are you sure you are LOVE each other, or is it more infatuation? How can everyone confirm that you love each other- based on what they see and hear? You know you say that he''s not the cheating type, but he IS cheating, emotionally. You ARE the other woman! Unintentional, I guess but the fact remains. His wife was so good as to let the contact between you to remain- are you sure you aren''t in some way jealous that she ''has'' him and you ''want'' him?

Reply to JenniferToo! :)
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/03

How genuinely did you two "part the ways"? Why did you choose to remain in close friendly contact with your ex, especially after he was married ? Why did you break up in the first place ?
He married a year later, and had children - that's a lot more than "on the rebound". And now he is being emotionally unfaithful to his present wife, and can't be investing to the extent that he should in that relationship, while he is hanging onto you. His wife sounds naive. If "everybody" knows you're btoh still in love, why doesn't she ?
You ARE already "the other woman". If he is so fun, good, kind, and universally loved why did you two ever part at all ?
If he has problems with his wife, he should discuss these with her, not you, and they should see a marriage counsellor together, and try to sort these out. If this proves imposible, and they decide to get divorced, leave them to make those decisions and actions on their own. AFTER a divorce, you would be free to make contact with him again, and see if you both still want to start all over again.
If he is still talkin g intimately with you about all this, and not seing a counsellor with his wife, the he is NOT "trying to make it work.

Reply to cybershrink

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