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Question
Posted by: Roxy | 2011/03/05

My marraige

I''m 27 and we''ve been married 7,5 yrs and for the past 3yrs I''ve been in love with our family friend. It started as a crush but I can only say I''ve allowed myself to fall deeply for him. I watched a talk by Helen Fisher called why we love + cheat and that''s when I realised  i have this ''attachment'' thing with my hubby (because we have a 5-year old son together) but the romantic love and lust for this other man.
I''m very honest with my hubby and he knows everything I''ve just told you. So a few weeks ago I actually told this man (who had no idea I was going to do so) that I am in love with him, after thinking through he came and told me that he feels the same and we have a chance of being together for the rest of our lives if possible.
So i''m faced with the idea of divorce. I brought it up and my hubby and i both cried together and thought of separate lives without each other. So last night I ended up sleeping with this other man, I told my hubby and now I want to be with this other person even more so.
How can I make a SANE, NORMAL decision without feeling guilty or like i''m going to hurt all of our families, each other and myself - but with having these OCD, craving, desires, passionate fantasies of being with this other man.
Please I feel as though I''m going crazy!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you're in love with the other guy, maybe in lust. And remember your words : you "allowed yourself" to fall in love with him. Its not really HONEST wih your husband to lust for the other guy, and consider this fine so long as you tell him about it, and let this hurt him.
Don't assume that any relaionship with this other guy will be blissful or forever - presumably that's what you thought when you married your husband. And then that changed.
To have gone ahead and slept with this other man is only hurtful to your husband, and again, telling him about it doesn;t make it OK in any way. Why shouldn't you feel guilty ? You ARE likely to hurt your husband terribly, and maybe other family members.
And then you are talking about "OCD... fantasies" about the other man. Remember what you said : fantasies. This is like the wives who complain of their husband's interest in porn, except that it has involved physical infidelity and men don't marry the porn pictures. Except perhaps if they're like Charlie Sheen.
See a personal counsellor to get more reasonable perspective on your whirlwind of sexual fantasies, and to enable you to make more rational and less hormonal decisions - and consider some couples counselling sessions with your husband, to better understand each other and, if needs be, to part less painfully.
Stop thinking that merely telling him about your infidelity makes it OK.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Michaela | 2011/03/08

You are not in love, you are in lust and when you leave your for that man, over time the lust will just fade and you will regret doing that to your family....

Your choice!

Reply to Michaela
Posted by: Vaal Donkie | 2011/03/07

Here''s a good exercise I teach my daughters when they aske me about such matters: take your left knee and hold it against your right knee. Keep them together the entire time you''re in the man''s presence.

Reply to Vaal Donkie
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/07

I agree with " Truth"  in all aspects.

When you have finished playing this exciting game with this single man that you so love.... you will get bored and want the father of your child and your first love back.
By that time he would have moved on and it will be too late for you. That you deserve.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: PG | 2011/03/07

You got married too early. Now you want to try other possibilities and you have illusions and dreams, but what are the chances that this other man will be the one for you, for life? Sure, he is a family friend and maybe you know him to a reasonable extent, but when things turn romantic/sexual, they can go wrong too.
Your husband, on the other hand, proved that he truly loves you. You told him the truth and he didn''t get angry at you, he cried. How would the other man have reacted in the same situation? Probably aggressively, like most men do.

What I''m trying to say is think well before you take a decision. I know how it feels to be in your husband''s position and, if it was me, I would rather you left because nothing hurts more than to know that your partner loves someone ELSE, not you. But if he''s willing to take you back, and if he believes in your marriage, I would think twice before leaving him. Maybe he didn''t stop you from cheating because he hoped you would be disappointed with the other guy and come back to him?

Anyway, remember you want to leave someone who loves you, and take someone who has nothing to lose in this game. He may love you, or he may not. It might be lust. He might leave you after a while. Plus, the fact that he is a family friend and he still went as far as having sex with you while you were married shows he doesn''t have a good sense or respect, honesty, love, etc, etc. He was thinking about his happiness or even immediate happiness more than anything.

So please think about all this before you decide what to do. You''re not just hurting your husband, you are trading a wonderful husband for an uncertainty that may even end in tears for you.

And, as some mentioned above, think about your child''s happiness too. Does the other man like children, and your son in particular?

Reply to PG
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/06

*yaaaawn*

Have a good evening, truth.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/06

Dear Woman
You have shown me the error of my ways how much more can l apologise?
Now l fully understand lifes rules l cannot really offer any advice as l now realise what she is doing is not wrong.
I do not in anway see either of you as bad people, l was the one who was in the wrong. There are no rules and so there cannot be any judgement.
l agree with you in that Roxy must do all she can in life to achieve personal happiness - no matter what the conseqences to others.
I send you both my very best wishes.
l am sorry l cannot say anything more useful, please forgive me and do not judge or attack me. I have admitted you were right and l am wrong.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/06

I never, not once try to convince you of my point of view. However, here you are, once again presuming, and now you''re being sarcastic in order to prove something. What is it? How good you are and how bad I am. Well, if that''s what you want, you''re welcome to it.

Sarcasm is a mode of attack, you did not say anything useful, you still think you are right and you are still judging Roxy &  myself,. Her because she''s an adulterer and myself for not immediately picking up the first stone to cast.So now you''re throwing rocks at both of us. So what use at all is your reply when you say the same thing in a different way? You have still not given her advice, you have still not said anything useful.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/06

Dear Woman
Well thats okay then - its okay to persue personal happiness at the expense of everything else. I apologise for not keeping up with the times and staying in the middle ages. What was l thinking.
I am obviously deluded in thinking these days one should respect your spouse by honouring your wedding vows. Please accept my humble apology for my misguided thinking and the offence i have caused you both.
Thank you for putting me on the right track to eternal happiness. l understand now that this can be achived by rejecting any responsibility for my actions, having no personal commitment to others and not to expect any negative judgements for doing so.
Sddenly life is so much easier now................

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/06

Oh please, we are not living in the middle ages! She has every right to want happiness for herself.

And don''t YOU dare judge MY morals and my values. You know nothing of me or my life.Of what TRUTH exactly are you speaking anyway? Your own personal truth probably, but it has nothing to do with me or Roxy, so kindly keep it to yourself!

Making judgments without knowing the whole history and all the intricacies of a particular situation is despicable. and your come back has no advice in it, only judgment.

Rather keep quiet if you have nothing good to say. Shame on you!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/06

l noted you only had the curtesy to thank woman - the only one who shares your morals and values which are cerainly questionable.The fact that you ignore the others including CS says as much about you as the situation you have put yourself in does.What about at least acknowleding the advice and comments you have recieved? It would be something if you thought about their perspectives! Bs posting is hard but oh so true. And what about answering WTF? CS obviously should be thanked even though his professional opinion did hurt.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: B | 2011/03/06

Bottom line? You are an adulterous, a liar and a cheat. You feel guilty because you ARE guilty

Reply to B
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/06

My pleasure!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Roxy | 2011/03/06

To Woman: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Reply to Roxy
Posted by: ABC | 2011/03/06

You will always be a cheater because as you said you don''t feel anything for your husband other than attachment because of your son. Get a divorce and give your husband the chance to get on with his life and to find someone that will love him and that won''t leave him for a better possibility

Reply to ABC
Posted by: Mzulu | 2011/03/06

You screw around and confess to your " man"  and all he can do is weep...Nxxxx What have men become these days..

Reply to Mzulu
Posted by: ? | 2011/03/06

You are going to break up your marriage for a possibility? Pull yourself together you are a grown woman with responsibilities1

Reply to ?
Posted by: WTF | 2011/03/06

Well l am sure we will find others who have been in your position proving that it does indeed happen to others. However l am at a loss as to how this will releive your guilt.
Given time we could probably come up with a group of murderers and thieves but this would not make their actions right or absolve them of their guilt.
Does this viewpoint shed any light or answer any of your questions?

Reply to WTF
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/06

Roxy, I commend you for your honesty to your husband. even though it must be a blow to him, at least he can say that you have been honest with him. Now, you must divorce him. Try to do it as amicably as you can. If the two of you can have this great relationship where you can talk honestly, and yes, even be friends for the sake of your child, you can have a " good divorce" . Be sure to tell your husband that it is never him, but you love him like a brother and a friend. And that you hope to remain a loyal and good friend to him forever. You do, after all, have a unbreakable bond through your child and your past.

Yes, you cheated, and i agree that you could have first had the divorce before talking to the other man, much less sleeping with him. But I understand why you did it that way.

And why should you not have a chance at real love now that you are an adult? Why should you not have a happy ending? I say go for it! BUT... please do not just move in with this man! Live by yourself for a while, get to know and love you, and then date this man, and see if he really is your " one true love" . And *always* put your child first.

Good luck in this painful and confusing time!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Eish | 2011/03/06

This is what happens when you get married as a teenager!!! I mean you were arnd 19 and you didn''t say how long you dated before this. Now you are feeling the edge of tasting other men. Sad but true, you married too young and now its over,divorce your hubby and move on with your lives.

Reply to Eish
Posted by: Roxy | 2011/03/06

I guess I''m just looking for people that have also been in the situation - something to confirm for me that it''s normal and does happen to others!!!
and some way to stop feeling so dam guilty... for wanting to leave my marriage for another " possiblity"  -

Reply to Roxy
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/06

Maybe you're in love with the other guy, maybe in lust. And remember your words : you "allowed yourself" to fall in love with him. Its not really HONEST wih your husband to lust for the other guy, and consider this fine so long as you tell him about it, and let this hurt him.
Don't assume that any relaionship with this other guy will be blissful or forever - presumably that's what you thought when you married your husband. And then that changed.
To have gone ahead and slept with this other man is only hurtful to your husband, and again, telling him about it doesn;t make it OK in any way. Why shouldn't you feel guilty ? You ARE likely to hurt your husband terribly, and maybe other family members.
And then you are talking about "OCD... fantasies" about the other man. Remember what you said : fantasies. This is like the wives who complain of their husband's interest in porn, except that it has involved physical infidelity and men don't marry the porn pictures. Except perhaps if they're like Charlie Sheen.
See a personal counsellor to get more reasonable perspective on your whirlwind of sexual fantasies, and to enable you to make more rational and less hormonal decisions - and consider some couples counselling sessions with your husband, to better understand each other and, if needs be, to part less painfully.
Stop thinking that merely telling him about your infidelity makes it OK.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Sympathetic! | 2011/03/05

How can we shed light and which answers are you looking for?

Reply to Sympathetic!
Posted by: Roxy | 2011/03/05

I know I will get burnt for this post... but i''m desperate and need of some light shed and answers.
This is very difficult for me - it''s not as happy as it may seem. The other man is single. I would have never dreamed of doing this to my husband - never! I can''t explain the feelings of romantic love I have for this man. It''s like a drug.
I know I am wrong! But...

Reply to Roxy
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2011/03/05

I''m sorry for your hubby, it must be one hell of a blow for him. However, as I am apt to say, you only have one life, so why spend it in unhappiness? You don''t say if this other guy is married or not. Trouble is with cheating, is that you could always be inclined to cheat on him and likewise, if he is cheating on his wife, he could also cheat on you ! So, each of you would be inclined to be keeping a wary eye on each other, " just in case"  If you do marry this other guy, lets hope that as you age, your lust and physical attraction does not fade and that you remain happy.I''m not in favour of cheating, as its shallow and nasty but, who is to judge you ?

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Straight talking | 2011/03/05

So u should be feeling VERY guilty for the pain u r causing your hubby. Why did you not have the GUTS to divorce yr hubby BEFORE you approached this other man in lust? Helen fisher was right you do have an attachment to yr husband - its called your wedding vows! To add 2 yr guilt you will have to explain to your child one day the reasons for leaving your hubby his dad! Luck is not what l was thinking of wishing u................

Reply to Straight talking
Posted by: Regular | 2011/03/05

Hopefully CS can say the right thing.
Be warned though you will not recieve a lot of sympathy on this site, like myself regulars here have little empathy for cheaters. l wish you luck.
As for how can u make a decision havent you already done that by sleeping with a man other than your husband.

Reply to Regular

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