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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2009-11-27

My life is falling apart

I have been married to a " wonderful man"  for two years and been together for a total of five yrs now. He was a player when I met him and he was even staying with another woman and they broke up a yr later. Between then and the time they broke up he had so many girlfriends and that hurt me a lot but I couldn' t sya anything and I didn' t want to leave him.
We never had sex in our first yr and everytime we had sex I would get stds and we would go to the doc together but the problem didn' t stop because he was sleeing with other woman but still we didn' t use condoms (stupid of me).
It came to a point where I decided to go for an HIV test and i found out that I was negative and he went later only to find that he' s actually positive. The we started using condoms and he slowed down on woman and eventually stoped seeing other woman. we got married and bought a house together.

I loved the guy to bits and I couldn' t imagine my life without him. The problem started when we moved to the house and we started fighting and the former girfriend came back to the picture. She sent him messages asking him if he doesn' t love him anymore or I told him not to call him anymore. We had a huge fight and instead of him protecting me from this lady he sided with her! We sort of sort the prblem and moved on but things were never the same since then. This year we were robbed at gun point and he was in the house when they tried to rape me but they didn' t penetrate me instead they sed their guns to penetrate me. We went for counseling for few weeks and I thought I was better then we stopped.

Ever since then I avoided sex as much as I could and even kissing him is difficult. I made all the xcusses in the world until I recently realised that I don' t have feeling for him anymore and I hate that! I can' t even say I love him because right now I don' t feel it. I went to doctors thinking that I have a problem with my libido but no I don' t because I have feelings for other people but not him. I don' t feel safe around him like used to. I am forever angry when I' m around him because I don' t want him to touch me. What I have realised as well is that I don' t feel safe in that house because we went to his parent' s house few months back and we made love and I enjoyed but coming back to our house I couldn' t. I told him but he says there is nothing he can do. Besides everything that I have mentioned, he is not supportive at all! I am still doing everything like I
m still single. I do everything in the house and he only pays bond and its only R3000.

Can counselling help here because I was even thinking of leaving him but my parents said its not an option. I don' t want to leave him because I know he won' t survive without me and he has tried suicide so many times because I wanted to leave him. I want to love this guy like I used to but its so hard. People around us think we are such a wonderful couple and I don' t see that

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm only a psychiatrist, and I cannot understand why any intelligent woman would want to stay with, and sleep with, a wildly and irresponsibly promiscuous man, who repeatedly gave her STD - it suggest a frighteningly low self-esteem to imagine that you deserved to be with someone with so little respect for you. And that any other woman would be daft enough to want to compete with you for the attentions of such a selfish slug, amazes me.
I thought slavery has been abolished, legally - but apparently self-chosen slavery continues.
And what on earth are your parents thinking, to insist that you cannot and should not leave such a man ?
How do you convince yourself that he cannot live without you ? he has done so in the past, and, whenever he cheated, did so again. If he chooses to harm himself even more than his destructive lifet-style already does, that's ghis choice, and not your responsibility.
WHY do you feel you HAVE to love this determinedly unloveable man, who is not worthy of love ?
Nothing you say suggests that he loves you at all, rather than using you for his own convenience.
Go for counselling to liberate yourself from such a toxic relationship and to discover independence and freedom.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2009-11-27

Someone who loves you will try to meet your needs - emotional, physical, fincial etc. It doesn' t sound as if he does any of that. I suggest you go to counselling, for yourself, to help you deal with all the things you are going through and then get clear in your mind what the way forward should be. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon | 2009-11-27

Thanks Noni and I know that I have to mve on but its so difficult right now because even the man I will meet will have a proble mbecause I just found out that I can' t have kids and it hurts so much and I feel this pain all alone because my husband is acting as if he' s saying cho cho if you know waht I mean. Its like he' s happy that he' s not the only one with the problem. My other part wants to sell the house but the other part is so attached to it because I have done so much in that house and just leaving the house pains me so much.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: noni | 2009-11-27

This is serious trauma you' ve been through!!!! My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine all that you' re dealing with.

That house is definitely not good for you, having to relive the trauma again and again, your house is supposed to be your sanctuary. You gotta get out there.

Secondly, this man screwed you around. Do you really want to keep him if he' s even still taking his " ex"  girlfriends side against you?

Over and above all the trauma you have been through, you don' t need a partner who doesn' t care for you deeply or a house that reminds you of a horrendous nightmare.

Think carefully and move on. As tough as this might sound, if he threatens to commit suicide when you leave and get' s it right - it' s NOT your issue. we are each and everyone of us responsible for our own lives and how we conduct it.
YOU are the only one responsible for YOUR life and where it goes from here.

Get away from this so you can heal properly because you do sound like a person who is caring and loving and forgiving and you know what? You deserve that in return!

Reply to noni
Posted by: noni | 2009-11-27

This is serious trauma you' ve been through!!!! My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine all that you' re dealing with.

That house is definitely not good for you, having to relive the trauma again and again, your house is supposed to be your sanctuary. You gotta get out there.

Secondly, this man screwed you around. Do you really want to keep him if he' s even still taking his " ex"  girlfriends side against you?

Over and above all the trauma you have been through, you don' t need a partner who doesn' t care for you deeply or a house that reminds you of a horrendous nightmare.

Think carefully and move on. As tough as this might sound, if he threatens to commit suicide when you leave and get' s it right - it' s NOT your issue. we are each and everyone of us responsible for our own lives and how we conduct it.
YOU are the only one responsible for YOUR life and where it goes from here.

Get away from this so you can heal properly because you do sound like a person who is caring and loving and forgiving and you know what? You deserve that in return!

Reply to noni
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-11-27

I'm only a psychiatrist, and I cannot understand why any intelligent woman would want to stay with, and sleep with, a wildly and irresponsibly promiscuous man, who repeatedly gave her STD - it suggest a frighteningly low self-esteem to imagine that you deserved to be with someone with so little respect for you. And that any other woman would be daft enough to want to compete with you for the attentions of such a selfish slug, amazes me.
I thought slavery has been abolished, legally - but apparently self-chosen slavery continues.
And what on earth are your parents thinking, to insist that you cannot and should not leave such a man ?
How do you convince yourself that he cannot live without you ? he has done so in the past, and, whenever he cheated, did so again. If he chooses to harm himself even more than his destructive lifet-style already does, that's ghis choice, and not your responsibility.
WHY do you feel you HAVE to love this determinedly unloveable man, who is not worthy of love ?
Nothing you say suggests that he loves you at all, rather than using you for his own convenience.
Go for counselling to liberate yourself from such a toxic relationship and to discover independence and freedom.

Reply to cybershrink

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