Posted by: JJC | 2009/11/23

My Last

Help me.

I’ m feeling weird and sad and disorientated.

What is going on?!?!?!

I WANT to live.

I WANT to be extremely successful with Branfin and earn lots of money so I can take my precious Damien and Duwayne on a holiday and spend quality time with them and get to know them and catch on their lives. I miss my Damien terribly!!!

This is a bad day. How is it that I am a mother without my son with me? Gavin took him, Nola has him. How is it that I can be described as a mother? I gave birth to him and that’ s all I was good for? Gavin, why? Was I so bad a person? I was, wasn’ t I?

It was a bad weekend. I did nothing.

Nothing. Brushed my teeth a few times but didn’ t get out of my jammies. Didn’ t clean, didn’ t do laundry.

Didn’ t leave the house at all.
Eventually I got hungry enough to cook pasta and throw a can of tuna in for sustinence, better than popcorn and peanut butter all the time (schweet, I do like it though, very much in fact. hmmm).

It’ s quite funny actually.

I didn‘ t want to drink, but I really, really really, really, sincerely wanted to drink. A lot. The whole time!

That’ s why I didn’ t leave the house, because if I did get in my car for WHATEVER reason I would definitely have made a stop at the bottle store and buy stroh rum, a small bottle (because it’ s damn expensive) and coke and enjoyed that the whole entire weekend –  in my jammies.

Morning when I wake up, during the day watching TV, laughing at Ninja Warrior, flipping channels watching 3 programs at once and not skipping a beat, night time when the sun slowly disappears and darkness sets in. To cuddle in my warm inviting blanket and have a drink. Have a few. The warmth down my eosophagus (I’ m such a show-off, so much fun, weeee) and into my stomach. Slowly permeating my whole system, calming, soothing, oh so lovely and warm and cosy.

Oh yum.

Why can’ t I drink? I’ ll stay inside when I drink so I don’ t get up to mischief. I just crave it so much.


I’ m an adult, I can make my own decisions.

Oh, please let me. Please. It is my only vacation, my only break from the weird reality I live in .

The inconsistent reality. The pain of realizing I am alone in my head.

People don’ t like me for very long. They back away. They don’ t understand I’ m in trouble, and unstable and disorientated.

I cry now. Tears welling up.

I am in trouble.

No-one believes me.

No-one can see it.

No-one wants to.
No-one can help me.

No-one believes me.

No-one sees I’ m in trouble.

I need help.

I want help.

There is none.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Answered the other time you posted this question

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/23

Answered the other time you posted this question

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