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Question
Posted by: Spicey | 2012-08-17

My husband- Moody and Selfish

Hi all, I''m at my wits end. I''ve been down now for about three months, miserable, moody and sick. Do you think my husband has bothered to ask me what''s wrong? I''ve been sick with the flu twice this winter- all he did was ask me the first time to stop coughing and just go to the doctor. He''s been sick with bronchitis three times and I only managed to get him to go to the doctor the second time. I''ve been dealing with his sickness, making him tea and Med Lemon, making sure he takes his pills, etc. Me? Na, I was sick last week but he didn''t even ask if he can help me with anything.

My husband has always been miserable and for the life of me I have (in our 10 years of marriage) not been able to even agree to see a shrink just once even. I''ve had to put up with his moods since day one- he is always complaining, always negative, doesn''t want to go out and experience things, hates his job and basically just wants to live his pathetic (as he says) existence. I''ve tried to encourage him, positive reinforcement, helping him find new work, making sacrifices for him to make things easier for him (I''d also like to come home, get changed and just sit and watch TV the whole night, but I have to feed the kids and the animals, start preparing for the next day, etc). When I bring this up, he just says that he doesn''t ask me to do anything for him and I must stop- he''ll do it himself. I know for a fact he won''t do it (last Saturday I had started doing washing, one of the kiddies hurt himself and I had to take him to the emergency rooms, was there for about four hours and my husband, who was at home with our other little one, didn''t even finish the washing for me).

I thought he would change as he got older, wiser, etc but it''s just gotten worse.

I am TIRED. I am FRUSTRATED. I am ANNOYED and yes I am taking it out on him because it is his negativity that is causing most of this. He then thinks I''m just being a bee with an itch. He is even more annoyed with me. He tells me I must just leave him alone. This makes me annoyed because it''s like he''s not even grateful that I am there for him and that he has my support.

But when he is in a good mood, he is such a darling. He is relatively helpful (makes tea and does the dishes), plays with the kids- he is an awesome father.

I just don''t know what to do anymore. I want someone to be concerned about me and my happiness for once, I also want to feel special and have someone say nice things to me all the time. He doesn''t do that for me and I''m so not in the mood to do it for him anymore (which makes him moodier, and makes him think I don''t care). I am a very ambitious person, very positive (usually) and happy, but these last few months I just don''t care anymore.

What can I do if he won''t even consider counselling?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Doesn't it make good sense for BOTH of you, to go and see the doc when either of you have an acute illness like a touch of bronchitis ? And with flu, where there's no added bacterial infection, simple over-the-counter remedies probably help as much as anything can, unless the illness becomes prolonged and complicated.
I'm sure you don't enjoy being "miserable moody and sick" and it cant be any fun for him, either.
Some people, maybe especially men, just aren't comfortable or skilled at caring for sick people.
But if you are sick and need help from him, ASK, don't wait for him to volunteer. Again, some folks are awful at recognizing where they might be helpful, and at offering their help.
Maybe indeed he would benefit from seeing a shrink, but in the shrink's world you can't even lead the horse to water, let alone make them drink - the guy has to recognize that he has problems and needs help, and WANT to get the help.
Maybe its nmot helpful to let him be so negative and passive - make it clear you can't handle all the household and family chores, and that he must now start taking on some of these himself. TO encourage him to do so, without being overtly unpleasant about it, delay the chores he wants most ( like making his support ) until really late, while you get on with everything else. When he grumbles, say, well, if you could help by doing X and Y, I'd get fin9shed sooner and we could enjoy supper earlier.
If he means what he says about how he'll Do It Himself, take him at his word - do the family washing, but not his. What happens when you do Leave him alone as he asks ?
Have you tried ignoring his bad mooeds, and praising him for his good moods, to encourage those ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-08-18

Doesn't it make good sense for BOTH of you, to go and see the doc when either of you have an acute illness like a touch of bronchitis ? And with flu, where there's no added bacterial infection, simple over-the-counter remedies probably help as much as anything can, unless the illness becomes prolonged and complicated.
I'm sure you don't enjoy being "miserable moody and sick" and it cant be any fun for him, either.
Some people, maybe especially men, just aren't comfortable or skilled at caring for sick people.
But if you are sick and need help from him, ASK, don't wait for him to volunteer. Again, some folks are awful at recognizing where they might be helpful, and at offering their help.
Maybe indeed he would benefit from seeing a shrink, but in the shrink's world you can't even lead the horse to water, let alone make them drink - the guy has to recognize that he has problems and needs help, and WANT to get the help.
Maybe its nmot helpful to let him be so negative and passive - make it clear you can't handle all the household and family chores, and that he must now start taking on some of these himself. TO encourage him to do so, without being overtly unpleasant about it, delay the chores he wants most ( like making his support ) until really late, while you get on with everything else. When he grumbles, say, well, if you could help by doing X and Y, I'd get fin9shed sooner and we could enjoy supper earlier.
If he means what he says about how he'll Do It Himself, take him at his word - do the family washing, but not his. What happens when you do Leave him alone as he asks ?
Have you tried ignoring his bad mooeds, and praising him for his good moods, to encourage those ?

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