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Question
Posted by: Annie | 2010/01/15

My husband is bi/gay

Married for 22 years. My husband/my only sexual partner/my rock has revealed to me that he can' t supress he' s his bi/gay feelings any longer. He had two affairs with woman, which I was informed off, about +- a year ago (affair nr.2 told me about affair nr.1). I really tried my best to cope with it, because I love him. But in this week he also revealed that he had sex (1 x night stand with another married man +- 3 years ago). And that he wants to do it again, he wants to be treated like a woman/to be hold like a woman after sex. He is acting like a 16 year old girl.
I am so shocked. I dont want to see him, I have lost my husband/my sexual partner/ my rock. I need help and advice.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Dear Annie,

This is a very trying time for you as I am sure it must be equally hard for your husband. To end a relationship after such a long time is a big loss, to find out about the cheating is a huge betrayal and to find out about your husband sexuality conflict must feel like it is not real.
I encourage you to seek some counselling to allow you to process the shock. You will not only have to deal with the loss but you will need guidance with the shock of having lived with a lie for so long.

Hang in there. Take one day at a time and trust that it will get better.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anni | 2010/01/19

Thank you G.Dad. I dont know if you are from Venus or from Mars. I really appreciate your comments, and for me to know somebody is out there, that is not judgemental and understands my feelings. I can' t thank you enough.

Reply to Anni
Posted by: G-Dad | 2010/01/18

This is quite a confused situation I guess that you Annie' s husband must be in your 40' s, I think most men when reaching midlife wonder what it will feel like to have sex with men or some want young woman again, so in some cases men have sideline affairs with who ever and it stay a secret, some leave their spouses for their fantasies, I do not understand exactly why you decided to come clean knowing that it could cause the end of your marriage unless that is what you really want. If I were in your shoes I would first have gone for counseling and take it from there.

Maybe you are lucky and it is possible to still save your marriage, if you still have desire for men then it will place a lot of strain on your marriage, depending how your wife cope with this, unless she refuses you sex you should not need to sleep around and keep your fantasies a fantasy, my problem with this is that if you end up having unprotected sex you expose your wife to STI' s and it will be very unfair to her.

I am not judging you I am single father with 2 kids, I had a girlfriend for about a year recently, but we were not compatible and called it quits no bad feelings, I also do not want to have one night stands because it will create an unstable environment for my kids. I know my situation is difficult, but for you with your desires must be worse, because you have a soul mate who love you very much, do not hurt her more if you can.


Sometimes to pray for guidance help I know.

Good luck.

Reply to G-Dad
Posted by: the Husband | 2010/01/16

Dear Expert,
I am Annie' s husband. I am a little taken aback at your assumption that she/we was/were living a lie given the scant glimpse of our situation. That one sentence seems to have destroyed the last lifeline I had to salvage our marriage. I made mistakes in our marriage, mistakes that are almost unforgivable. I loved my wife and children and still do love them without limits and never let my sexuality affect that fact. Everyone who knows us have always commented on how much love is in our home and how they would love to have a relationship with their children as we do with ours. Annie was not living a lie, due to the fact that she did not know my secret. As I explained to her, after having read your comments, it was me that was living with a secret all these years and it just became too much for me to keep to myself. So I told my very best friend in the world that secret I had been living with and admitted to my infedelity with another man, my wife is my very best friend in the world.
Best Regards

Reply to the Husband
Posted by: the Husband | 2010/01/16

Dear Expert,
I am Annie' s husband. I am a little taken aback at your assumption that she/we was/were living a lie given the scant glimpse of our situation. That one sentence seems to have destroyed the last lifeline I had to salvage our marriage. I made mistakes in our marriage, mistakes that are almost unforgivable. I loved my wife and children and still do love them without limits and never let my sexuality affect that fact. Everyone who knows us have always commented on how much love is in our home and how they would love to have a relationship with their children as we do with ours. Annie was not living a lie, due to the fact that she did not know my secret. As I explained to her, after having read your comments, it was me that was living with a secret all these years and it just became too much for me to keep to myself. So I told my very best friend in the world that secret I had been living with and admitted to my infedelity with another man, my wife is my very best friend in the world.
Best Regards

Reply to the Husband

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