Home > Experts > Question Search health advice Find an answer Question Posted by: HELP!!! | 2007/05/18 Q.My husband has a mistress!! What is wrong with today's women. I've been married for over 12 years and thigs weren't always rosy. But we managed to work out our problems over the years. I've given up my career to see to our kids and ensure my husband get the support he needs for his career. He has reached the peak of his career and financialy he has tripled his income, Suddenly this little vixen comes along sees a nice fat cat who has everything she wants in a man. Good house, salary, status and handsome. She made no secret of pursuing my husband - she would leave little clues to ensure that I know about her with the hope that I would divorce him. I spoke to my husband about it and he says she excites him - but I mustn't worry because he will never leave me and the kids for her.How am i suppose to accept this. This woman is relentless and she wants my husband and all that he represents. She is young attractive and can get a man her age (obviously not as well off as my husband). But why must she pursue my husband.Is there anyway that women like myself can make these new infection (younger woman pursuing successful older men) from spreading. It's a disease that's spreading at such a rapid rate that a lot of middle aged woman are at risk. We've worked ourselves to the bone to ensure success and stability for our families and then these young tarts just come and take what they didn't work for. More: All ExpertsCyberShrink Annex 32 user comments C. Posted by: audsinbyo | 2007/06/11 Well ladies out there...I am currently living with a man..to whom I have been married for 27 years.. and whoi has been and is still having an affair with a real harlot in BUlawayo..GAIL SUTTON..she has been known to have broken up at least 4 marriages including mine and has untold victories ina the blow job department..but all I can say is..yes I have teied the lawyers and they dod not work..he took out a gun and shot up my house and yes I have tried the threats and the kicking out and I have been told that " you will leave with nothing and it's my house not "our" house'..so really what do you do next...well what I am doing is waiting it out until december when my youngest son will be finished school and then I will simply leave him to his WHORE and move back to SA...my eldest son is soon to leave and go to the UK for a period of 2 years and I will miss him terribly but I still have my youngster who is 100% behind me...it has been a very long and hard and emotuionally exhausting 5 years but I will be a better person for it..I HOPE..and hopefully when i ;leave i will be able to find someone to care for my very battered soul and my very battered emotion...LADIES dont give up on your self and dont give into them and their demands..FIGHT them all the way... Reply to audsinbyo Posted by: shocked | 2007/06/01 Visitor: i am shocked that you could even tell all what u happy in doing. I am so annoyed with you, but there is one question that i would like to ask you. So when do you meet each other, if he has his wife and kids too>waiting for a reply Reply to shocked Posted by: Bily | 2007/05/28 TO DONE THAT: If you really believed that breaking up a marriage is "the worst thing a woman can do to another woman" then why did you go through with it; actually BREAK UP his marriage and marry him, hmmmmmmmmmm??????????? Did you not know that according to the Bible, you are therefore NOT ACCORDING TO ME, BUT ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE an adulteress and cannot enter the Kingdom of heaven.I also met and fell in love with a man whom I got engaged to. A few months before we were to get married, I discovered that he was still married, trying to get divorced! Six months later I found out that he was also married twice before and had 2 children from other women whom he had affairs with outside his marriages and called it quits - thank God for that! Just remember - HE CAN DO IT TO YOU AND WHAT WILL STOP HIM SEEING HE GOT AWAY WITH IT BEFORE? Reply to Bily Posted by: DoneThat | 2007/05/24 Dear HelpI am one of those women who took someone's husband from her, I think this is surely one of the worst things u can do as a women to another women! I do love this man but when I look at him I am constantly reminded of what I did and how I will feel if someone done unto me the same - and I don't even have children with this man! One of the most challenging things is the children and a women in this position should make her husband - and his new "friend" acutely aware of the full impact of the responsibility that comes with having stepchildren and the deep hatred and animosity they feel towards the other women! This is something most men and their girlfriends lose sight of and believe me, there is nothing that can kill the romance quicker! Don't give up, try everything u can, in the end it must be worth keeping your family intact, even if the forgiveness may take a long time, in the big scheme of things it must surely be better than living with divorce, loss and children who are deeply hurt because of a short-term infatuation! Some of these women who do attempt this will live in mortal shame if only they fully realized what they are doiing to themselves and other people, in the end what you do to one of us you do to another! Good luck and I hope that your love for your family will prevail in the end. Reply to DoneThat Posted by: Bang | 2007/05/24 Vistitor you should be ashamed of yourself. Remember what goes around comes around. I wish you get married and your husband do the same to you so that you know exactly how it feels. I wont appreciate my daughter going out with a married man God help me. Reply to Bang Posted by: Cee | 2007/05/24 JJJ thank you for your contribution. at least a man is admitting men's weaknesses and not trying to always pin it on women as usual. yes these young girls make their moves but its up to the married man to reject. every human has the ability to look at a situation, value it and give the best reaction whether male or female. its just merely married men's selfishness, stupidity, lust and ignorance to involve themselves with these girls when they know they have wives and children at home whom they love.thank you my brother for shedding light to others. thanks Reply to Cee Posted by: Cee | 2007/05/24 So sorry to Help. i know what you are going through. i have been there and unfortunately not yet back. to be honest i have not yet anything really solid as proof of my hubby's cheating but i know he is. he is always clinging to his cellphone all the time which he never did before and dont know how or what he spends his money on. but hey we all know when things are not the same or when something is happening. well i try to imagine your hubby actally admitting that he is and the affair being nothing important. this is really torture. anyway one thing i know for sure is God will never take away your happiness and give it to somebody else. so for now things might seem kinda rough but He has his ways. He wont let you be in a position he cant help you. just pray and wait on Him. as for you Visitor you should know that God will not give you someone else's happiness. he will never give you someone's husband so take a hike before its too late. this man, somebody's husband will eventually leave you. 5 wasted years is too long a time.As for all the other ladies, thank you for the good advice.love ya all Reply to Cee Posted by: JJJ | 2007/05/24 I am taking from the men pespective. Really there is a problem with this young girls, they like to jump all this stages and want to be on top. We (men) we usually use our P*#&s to think and brains react. I had a girl who was cheating on me with older guys (the same age as her father). She was targeting the successful guys, who are married etc, they like to act innocent, saying 'this is my friend', how can 'immature' girl be a friend to a married man the father of someone? If we (men) are caught we like to say ... she was making a move .. which shows that we are stupid and idiots. My sister, I really feel your pain... there is nothing pissing me out like the word 'I am sorry'. I think the only word a men say is that 'I am a d*&k' Reply to JJJ Posted by: scarlet | 2007/05/24 As angry and hurt as you are at the moment, YOU need to decide if you want him back, and once you've made that decision, start working on it. The longer you keep him in separate rooms, the likelier he is to fall back to his mistress - playing right into her court.. I'm not saying to just let him back into your bed, but DO go for councelling - you will have separate sessions to start with, which will help you deal with your anger and help you to focus again. By waiting 'to calm down' you are just avoiding the problem and allowing the hurt and anger to fester - this eventually becomes hatred before you know it... I've been there and waited too long - i then couldnt bring myself to "forgive" and lost what i really wanted all along - my partner of 10 years. Don't give this hussy the chance she's looking for. They are more devious that you can imagine - like a bulterrier who won't let go! Give yourself a chance at happiness. Give him a chance to prove to you that he wants to be your husband again. It starts small - let him "court" you again. Spend some time alone with him again. After 2 kids, one tends to fall into a rut without realising it. The kids aren't stupid - they know what's going on and even if you try to keep a happy front, this will affect the whole family negatively in the long run. Be honest with them - mom & dad are having some problems, but we will work them out. Have a good friend at hand whose shoulder you can cry on & who can keep an "open mind" when you do so & wont just tell you what you want to hear. Good friends are honest with you and looks further than the present moment. good luck! Reply to scarlet Posted by: Mumsy | 2007/05/24 Help, I'm in the same situation as yours but luckly I have a good job. My situation might be worse than yours coz he is going out with younger girls age 18-25 and they are challenging me left and right. Being a 32 year old and a mother of 3 for them it looks like I'm too old for my husband let alone the sms's that they sent to him. Be strong woman and God knows your heart he will take care of you. Its hard but God will take you through. Dont divorce him this is not a solution. Buzz, thank you for wonderful words I have gained a lot from you. Reply to Mumsy Posted by: Been there! | 2007/05/23 Help, I have been there and I know exactly where you are coming from...i wanted to bitch slap the mistress as she was flaunting it all in my face....but I had my dignity intact....I made my husband suffer, slept in seperate rooms and I made him caught me again to regain my trust...5 years later our marriage is stronger and we have made it our learning experience....so hang it there you are not alone but DONT let him steal your independance and the strong woman that you are!!!!!!!!!!! Reply to Been there! Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/18 ;-) Reply to Buzz Posted by: Mom of 2 | 2007/05/18 To Help!!!!I cant believe this!! He said she excites him...If my hubbie should ever come up with a blady excuse like that hed fly out that blady front door so quick.Girl empower yourself you dont need him, let him f*ck off and go play with his new toy!!He doesnt deserve you and you certainly dont deserve his stupid selfish manner of treating you.Stuff him.... there was life before him and there sure as hell is life after him!!! Reply to Mom of 2 Posted by: HELP | 2007/05/18 Buzz thanks hun. I think I will focus on positives in my life. It's a bit difficult getting back in the career side. I was in IT and things have changed so much over the years that I think it would be baffling just to try.I'm to angry to consider counselling maybe I should just give it some time and then go. I don't want to have a screaming match (cos that's what I fear I will do) so I'd rather get calm and then when most of the hurt has passed and I can communicate calmly then I would go that route.However I could focus on other hobbies. And take your advice on "me" time.I really appreciate your hug. MWAH. Reply to HELP Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/18 Help, I can imagine that you see him as a whimp, and I can understand the feelings you describe. I suppose we're all vulnerable and what happened to you, can happen to any of us. If you love your husband, then it's worth giving it your best shot (on condition he's committed). You will have to go for counselling, both of you, there is no other way. I've heard of rocky marriages ending up in affairs, and couples then going for counselling and finally able to say that they're happier after the affair, than before. So it's not impossible.If your husband isn't committed, (I don't like saying this) then you have to make serious decisions (i.e. divorce).In the meantime, why don't you go back to work? This will give you independance, stimulation, a new lease on life, new friends, and it will make your husband think again. Also surround yourself with caring friends (try to avoid family as they don't forgive), have "me" time, go to a spa for a day, start a journal, write your thoughts down. If you have the motivation, even think of starting a new hobby (just to get all your focus off this affair). If this woman contacts you once more, ask your husband to tell her off, in front of you. If he's not prepared to do it, I think you may be right in not trusting him. If he's committed to you, he will do whatever it takes, to prove it.I so wish I could just give you a hug. Be kind to yourself and ignore snotty comments from people like "Mistress" above.Good luck! Reply to Buzz Posted by: Anon | 2007/05/18 Visitor if you respected his family so much you wouldn't be doing what you doing. I doubt you even have respect for yourself been with a married man. You must remember the wheel turns and one day you may be married & have a husband that has got someone on the side. Hopefully you will be happy that she doesn't want him to leave you cause of so called "respect" Reply to Anon Posted by: Vicky | 2007/05/18 Visitor, are u normal??? I don't want to be a Mistress for one day, let alon 5 years...ur wasting ur time girl and UR HURTING PEOPLE! Reply to Vicky Posted by: HELP | 2007/05/18 Buzz - I've got 2 kids 10yr old girl and 6yr old son. Huby seems commited but I'm not sure if this is true commitment or if it jsut to repair the damage. How does a scorned woman really know when her partner is sincere. I think trust flew out the window the minute I discovered the third party in our marriage. We've had problems before but there was never a third party involved. This third party has taken our problems to another level. It's no longer jsut the two of us in this he brought a third person into our life and that is a bitter pill to swallow.I cant even sleep with him without thinking of the third party - hence I don't sleep with my hubby. I always wonder is he thinking of me or is he thinking of her.Its so messed up that I can't even think straight - thus really hurt me bad. I don't know if I will ever be the same towards my husband - all I see is a little man who sneaked behind my back and did a dirty deed. I can't respect him. Even though he is a 1.82m well built good looking man all i see is a 2 inch little wimp when I look at him. How can I ever see him the same again. Reply to HELP Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/18 Help, I think the thought of an affair to get even (is this what they call a "revenge f*ck?") is only natural and in your shoes, I'm sure most of us would have the same thought pattern. But you clearly know it's only going to cause YOU more pain. So hubby told you the affair is over? Is he committed to making things work with you? And how old are your children? (Sorry about all the q's). Reply to Buzz Posted by: HELP | 2007/05/18 Buzz - no sooner have you spoken and I start regretting the idea of the affair. You've reminded me of my kids and the example that I should set.I'm just so hurt and frustrated that I'm clutching at straws and fortunately there are good people like you and LAS that can help me make sense of thus unfortunate situatuion.Thanks and GOD bless for being anonymous but still kind enogh to care as to not give damaging advice.LOVE u stax. Reply to HELP Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/18 Help, you did the right thing to make it clear to your husband that you will not tolerate his affair. I'm not sure what to advice you on how to believe him that the affair is over, but why not give him the benefit of the doubt, and if he then proves you wrong, give him the dreaded ultimatum.As far as the mistress is concerned, suing her will cause you a lot of heartache, time and money and in the end it won't be worth it (you won't get much compensation and she will not be the only humiliated one because chances are you won't want your husband by then anymore).Having an affair yourself, is really not an option either, mainly because you won't feel any better within yourself (you will feel worse!), but what if your children find out? Keep the moral high ground, and your dignity, for your sake, and that of your children.An affair is ground enough for divorce (even according to the bible), and children inevitably do get damaged through divorce, but even more so, by an unhappy parent (or an affair!). Look out for yourself first, if you're happy your children will be happy too.Visitor, you can dress your sorry story as beautifully as you like, but you have no respect for yourself, or your lover, and least of all his family. If this man loved you so much, and was so unhappily married, he'd be married to you already. The reason he's not, is because he loves his wife and is using you. Good luck! Reply to Buzz Posted by: HELP | 2007/05/18 Thanks LAS check i appreciate it. I've read your other posting and I really feel good about it.MWAH Las. you are the best. Reply to HELP Posted by: LAS | 2007/05/18 I really hope that this advice helps .................. Good Luck Reply to LAS Posted by: LAS | 2007/05/18 Wrong reasons for being in a relationship:• Seeking status, sex, wealth and security.• Not getting out of the relationship because you pity the other person.• For the sake of the kids and yet you are absolutely unhappy. This could be even more psychologically destructive for the kids than you think.• Staying in it because you feel (psychologically) obligated to e.g. “What will his /her parents and friends say if I leave him/her.”• He/she might commit suicide – emotional blackmail.• Threat and/or fear of physical violence form the person or sanctioned by the person.• “I am so used to him/her, how can I leave him/her after so much we have been through together” and yet you are so miserable and unhappy and emotionally abused and sexually starved. You keep on having little affairs and sexual relationships with other people…this is a sign that you do not really love the person you are with. Get out of it. Life is too short. Reply to LAS Posted by: HELP | 2007/05/18 Visitor you can't say that you are not hurting your lovers family when you are still seeing him. In most cases men would tell their mistrisses the sad stories just to get them in bed. Have you ever wondered what he did wrong and not jsut the wife. She is cooking cleaning etc. he says but take it from a woman that is in this situation - we still give our husbands the sex and the time they need. Its a phase they going through and possibly the sex is good with the mistress so they keep them as they would do acts the wives won't do.Look at your relationship with this lover. Ask yourself what does he demand in bed - is it kinky etc. because in most cases men respect their wives to much to even ask these things they'd rather do it with a mistress. And the funny thing is we wives would do some of the things if only they'd ask us. Most times we have high sex drives and can't wait to unleash it on our husbands but they just don't ask.Secondly how can you be happy with someone knowing you are hurting his family (even if they don't know about you) and how can your family condone your relationship with a married man. That is baffling. I would never tolerate my daughter seeing a married man even if she claims that he is inlove with her. There is certain things in life that no matter how good the intention/explanation - it is just not right. You cannot build your happiness when someone else would end up being unhappy.That is a recipe for disaster. And if you can't see that then I actualy feel sorry for you. Because you would go through life always being 2nd best. As he would never make an honest woman of you and contrary to your believe. I doubt he loves you he is just using you and meeting your family is just another way to ensure that you will still be there for his escapades. DONT BE FOOLED HUN. I'm a woman and I knwo how guilable some women can be especially if they lack love.LEAVE HIM and send him packing you are setting yourself up for eternal disaster. Reply to HELP Posted by: HELP | 2007/05/18 Thanks people for your valuable advice.<br><br>To answer your question Buzz, I have addressed it with my husband and we are currently in seperate bedrooms. I made it clear that I won't tolerate his extramarital affair and also consulted my lawyer on the next step. I've been advised that I can sue this vixen for interfering in my marriage and by the looks of it she could end up paying dearly for that. THe only problem it is such a lengthy process it could drag on for years.<br><br>I dont just blame the mistress I know my husband is the main perpetrator in this situation as you said he made the vows. However this vixen sent me an sms that she has no intention of letting this great catch (my husband) slip through her fingers. She wants him at all costs and even went so far as to say why don't I just quit while I'm ahead. I showed my husband the message and he replied - she is just a sextoy. That is when I threw him out of our bedroom. I will not be a part of this sick scenario. The problem with this whole thing is that it's so easy for me to walk out but what about our kids. They absolutely adore their father and would be completely shattered if we should split. Do i sacrifice my childrens happiness and security for my own happiness.<br><br>Either way this women has definitley had an impact on our lives even if my husband claims he won't see her anymore I know its not the end of it. He says its over but how do I truly know. He has broken my heart into many pieces. And as a good friend told me. Take back what's yours - take back your pride and your dignity.<br><br>I still love him but I'm so hurt and he wants to work things out but I'm too shattered to think that far ahead. This tart has succeeded in shattering my whole world. I even thought about having an affair myself to let my husband feel the way i felt. And maybe if he sees that other men still find me attractive he would be concentrating on keeping me happy instead of looking at other women. I don;t know if this would work but I thought about it a lot and the more I think about it the more sense it makes.<br><br>While his eyes are feasting elsewhere someone else's eyes are feasting on me. Sometimes when you are at risk of losing something you will work twice as hard to keep it.<br><br> Reply to HELP Posted by: Visitor!! | 2007/05/18 I am a mistress, have been with my "boyfriend" for 5 years now, and I love him to bits.<br><br>I have never tried to come between him and his family because I love and respect him and them, I do not want his family to be without him.<br><br>He is kind caring and takes care of me emotionally physically and financially in a way I cannot compare to other relationships.<br><br>I tried to leave him a few months ago but that only just strengthened our relationship and he's going to meet my family next month.<br><br>What Im getting at is that some men get involved with other woman because of the love attention and affection. Taking care of the kids,cooking dinner and looking after the home is not enough if you are not loving and affectionate towards your partner. We all need that in our lives.<br><br>People need to re-evaluate their relationships..and rekindle that closeness with their partners and not just be homemakers..That is what causes infidelity in most cases.<br><br>And I dont want him to break up his family. Im happy sharing him. Reply to Visitor!! Posted by: Sammie | 2007/05/18 Read post 1368 ............ are u happy in your relationship ?? Good Advice ..... Reply to Sammie Posted by: Maxi | 2007/05/18 I know what you're going through - been there done that! My ex succumbed! If your husband hasn't yet fallen into her trap (and hopefully he won't) then ignore her (it's hard I know). If your husband continuously spurns her she will get the message, but he must be STRONG. There are men out there who won't let some floozie break up his family. Does she work with him? If she is "hassling" you, you can go the legal route, should it get to that point. Be strong! Reply to Maxi Posted by: J | 2007/05/18 These men today have no idea how things have changed. He has just as much to lose if he pursues this as you and yet he tells YOU not to worry. Personally, I would let HIM know how its going to play out, like you said you have worked way too hard at this to assure that you have a stable life. Ask him,. is she worth the excitement?<br><br>Shame I hope you get the advise you need as this is a terrible situation to be in, Dalene is great with this stuff! Reply to J Posted by: ...... | 2007/05/18 Well u should be grateful that he never denied that fact that he is seeing this other women - maybe he is just insecure, most men cheat when they are insecure ..<br> Reply to ...... Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/18 Yes there are women out there who will do this sort of thing, and there are the same amount of men who do the same. The fact of the matter is, you cannot change the world, and you have no control over such people.I'd suggest you hold your husband accountable for his behaviour, since only him (and not the mistress) made a vow to you. If you continue blaming the mistress, you're really giving your husband permission to continue with the affair and even if it ends, to attain another mistress because the mistress(es) are blamed and he stays innocent. Reply to Buzz Want to comment? Your name (optional) Your comment To prevent spam please solve this simple math problem: × Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly. × Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly. 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