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Question
Posted by: Khethiwe | 2012/02/28

My husband does not want to interfere in the descipline of my daughter

I am a mother of a 14 year old daughter and married to this man for a year now who is not the child’ s biological father. My daughter is starting to misbehave and tell lies and yes I discuss all this with my husband. The problem is my husband does not want to interfere in my daughter’ s misbehaving cause he feels he is scared my daughter might said something that might offend him. And he thinks it is better if I talk to the biological dad about our daughter. I gave my husband all the rights to talk to my daughter whenever he thinks my daughter is crossing the line and he said NO he does not want to interfere and he does not want to cross the line of their good relationship. He thinks my daughter one day might come back and say YOU ARE NOT MY DAD, THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE IS MY MOTHERS, THIS IS NOT YOUR CAR IS MY MOTHER’ S of which I don’ t think she can say that. I don’ t know what to do and I don’ t want to discuss this with my ex who is the biological father. He is so rude and to be honest I am scared of him, I am scared of the negative remarks that he will pass and do nothing about it

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Talk further with your husband. One can understand his sensitivity in not wanting to interfere ( and if he doesn't have children of his own, he may feel inadequate to deal with child discipline problems ). But he needs to understand that NOT working with you to implement simple discipline IS interfering, and in a most unhelpful manner.
It is best for you to talk to the child together, emphasizing that the rules and their administration are shared by you, that you do not differ on these principles. And calmly talk with her, together, and answer the questions he fears, before they arise. We are married now, this is OUR house, OUR car, and you are OUR daughter. We expect you to behave in a pleasant and civilized way when you are with us.
If she spends any time with her biodad, it would be best if he applied the same rules and penalties, but that will be up to him. She needs to know, though, that whatever may be acceptable in his home, in your home your own rules apply.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Disco | 2012/02/28

To tell you the truth it is not an easy thing to do, but since they are having a good relationship, he needs to take it upon himself to talk nicely to the child and show her the negative side of his misbehaviour. Sometimes the child is just waiting on the stepfather to raise his voice and you will see the changes. The best thing to do is to talk privately with the child and it is not necessary to fight the child.

Reply to Disco
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/28

Talk further with your husband. One can understand his sensitivity in not wanting to interfere ( and if he doesn't have children of his own, he may feel inadequate to deal with child discipline problems ). But he needs to understand that NOT working with you to implement simple discipline IS interfering, and in a most unhelpful manner.
It is best for you to talk to the child together, emphasizing that the rules and their administration are shared by you, that you do not differ on these principles. And calmly talk with her, together, and answer the questions he fears, before they arise. We are married now, this is OUR house, OUR car, and you are OUR daughter. We expect you to behave in a pleasant and civilized way when you are with us.
If she spends any time with her biodad, it would be best if he applied the same rules and penalties, but that will be up to him. She needs to know, though, that whatever may be acceptable in his home, in your home your own rules apply.

Reply to cybershrink

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