Posted by: N.R. | 2009-07-06

My husband

I have other questions that has nothing to do with the previous question I asked.

My husband has a very stressful job. He is a medical doctor and the practice is very busy. Apart from that they also do surgery and have a lot of after hours. He is working harder and harder and he is not completely happy in his job. We have 3 small children, which makes it difficult to find " us"  time. Our marriage is just not the same anymore. It seems that he is too tired or too stressed to make me feel loved. Well, I hope that is the case. I' m very introspective and always think it' s my fault. What if I' m not a good enough wife anymore? What if he fell out of love with me? He won' t talk to me! It doesn' t matter what I do, he is just not a man who can express his feelings in words. He is also a person who doesn' t show his feelings or emotions. I NEVER know what he thinks!!! It' s driving me insane! When I ask him if he loves me, he says yes. When we make love it feels like it' s a chore for him and it used to be so good. Nothing else changed in our life, except that he is working so much harder and that we recently had our 3rd child.

Do you have any advice? Please!

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Our expert says:
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Many men in many professions, including many doctors, are highly stressed and not entirely happy with their job. In medicine, though most of us really enjoy doctoring, current circumstances in the state-ruined health service man many doc's don;t enjoy working the way the system currently requires them to work. Its l ike that race in Alice in Wonderland, where you have to keep running faster and faster just in order to stay in the same place.
And as for doctor's marriages, Medicine is a demanding mistress. Many doc's are too stressed an exhausted to be an attentive spouse, NOT bcause of any fault of their spouse. Doc's also tend to learn not to show their emotions ( they may be like that already, but also find you need to suppress your own emotions to work well --- who wants a surgeon who weeps into the wound ? He probably does inded love you, but has difficulty in convincing you of this.
Marriage counselling can help --- if the doc can have the grace to accept help from someone else, and if he can be persuaded to invest the time in this valuable activity. And CV's suggestion might be one useful way to approach this topic

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Our users say:
Posted by: N.R. | 2009-07-06

Thank you. I do write letters to him or send him an email. He does read it, but he doesn' t want to write back, he just wants to talk about it and then most of it is forgotten.

Reply to N.R.
Posted by: CTMOM | 2009-07-06

My husband works 18 hour days most of the time and we too have 3 kids. You need to make some YOU time. Even if its just an extra 5 minute cuddle in bed before getting up. Have a bath together. You both NEED to bath every day, why not join them and have some time. Thats where we chat the most and its nice,

I know the feeling about feeling unloved, ignored. Just remeber he is still there and loves you!.

Reply to CTMOM
Posted by: CV | 2009-07-06

As your husband is someone who can not talk about his feelings, try to write him a letter. I am also like your husband and tried writing my wife some letters, but she does not want to know about writing letters so no communication regarding the heart matters take place and it affect our whole lives.

Reply to CV

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