Posted by: Nicole | 2009-02-16

My husband

I am at my wit' s end.

A few years ago, when I met my now husband, he had a good job. When we got married, I planned to one day be able to stay at home and be a housewife. About a year ago he decided to start his own business and has not been earning as much as he used to.

In the mean time, I have been promoted at work and earn about 4 times what he earns. I would expect that he pays half the monthly bills, but he insists that we split it according to our earning ratio' s.

Because I work longer hours, he does the cooking and cleaning at home.

I have asked him numerous times about what he plans to do about earning more money. I am starting to get more irritated and find myself making comments about the clothes he wears, his family being embarrasing, etc.

I feel that I' ve lost respect for him and have started to confide in my close friends who say I should just throw him out of the house and divorce him and find someone who is more " on my level" .

What should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It actually makes good sense ( and courts of law would often see it that way ) to divide expenses in proportion to earnings, as a 50m /50 split when the earnings are 90/20 would be unfair. Appaently he contributes more in house chores, etc, and that's good. You really don't seem to be talking about love at all --- the word and concept seems absent from your thinking --- you seem to love like an accountant.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gemina | 2009-02-17

Funny, u say u planned to stay home and be a house wife, it' s ok for him to take care of your ass, but not for u to take care off him. Wow where have u been?? it' s 2009

Reply to Gemina
Posted by: interesting | 2009-02-17

unappreciative biach - this is your husband! it' s amazing that men marry these pricks that stab then in the back in a long run, whilst some of us " good girls"  meet jerks!!!!

R - you deserve a hot smack!

Reply to interesting
Posted by: A Guy ! | 2009-02-17

I just read this post............ Nicole !!! You suck woman and don' t deserve any love and attention from any MAN, you suck and it is woman like you that kills Men inside... I was married to a woman like you and the same thing happened.... and what happened, she left me for another guy, and told me to my face " ONLY IF YOU EARNED MORE"  and now today I am a broken down person because of people like you !!! I gave my wife my best and more love she would ever receive, and today she is married to a rich guy, and she wants me back.......and me all alone....Do me a favour, go and kill yourself.

Reply to A Guy !
Posted by: R | 2009-02-17

You see what is happening is that women get promoted and the white man does not. Even though we want to better ourselves we cannot because of this pathetic country we are staying in.
You now feel suprior to him and you should be ashamed of yourselve!!!!!! complaining about what he wears......that is just showing you think you are the perfect woman and wife!!

Reply to R
Posted by: Money Money | 2009-02-17

Yes, it does make the world go around and most of us wish we had more of it. Take it from someone who has been there done that and got the T Shirt. Marriage is a total partnership, each giving each other 100 percent, taking nothing. The question of whose ,money is whose is really a non starter. I presume that when he decided to go it alone in business, he discussed the pros and cons with you and you agreed. If you were opposed to it and he just went ahead, you may have grounds to feel put out and protective of what you have. It sounds as if he has not been irresponsible and that he is not wasting your money. Doing the chores is very admirable too, doing his bit to help. Take a step back, go over your wedding vows and discover what is really getting to you. As someone commented, are you just tired of him and falling out of love ? Don' t let money ruin a marriage.

Reply to Money Money
Posted by: Angel G | 2009-02-16


If he' s not carrying his load then dump him!!! It' s not fair as he had to make sure before quiting his job that he would atleast be able to meet the bills half way. It' s guys like that that pushes decent woman into another man' s arms. From a man who nearly got trapped by a woman that went through what you going through...

Reply to Angel G
Posted by: Lee | 2009-02-16

It should not boil down to ' your'  money and ' his'  money it should be ' ours' . Sounds like you have the problem and think that you are better than him just because you earn more than him... but it sounds like your hubby is doing his best and the fact that he even helps out with the cooking etc shows that he is really pulling his weight. I think that your problems are not money related but something a lot deeper - I would guess that you have started falling out-of-love with him. Time to reassess your life and make a decision as to whether you are going to work towards keeping your marriage or getting out.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Stacy | 2009-02-16

Well i would say support the guy!
Im sure he would do the same for you if you were in this predicament but you making him feel even worse than he already must be feeling!
So support him but also make sure that he knows he must make a plan to improve the bisiness or get a normal job so he is able to hold his end but dont make him feel crappy about what he is not earning.

Reply to Stacy
Posted by: Lady Man | 2009-02-16

I think now that you earn 4 times more than him, you have started to think to much of yourself, you make comments about his clothes. Now you want to make the rules. Girl it does not work like that. YOUR LAST PARAGRAPH SAY EVERTHING, what the kind of person you have become. Sit down and think about it.

Reply to Lady Man
Posted by: Nicole | 2009-02-16

I' m 32, he' s 34......

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: Mandi | 2009-02-16

Is marriage not supposed to be " through thick and thin"  and " For better or for worse" .

What if you got retrenched tomorrow? Would you expect hubby to help you out?

You are going to kick yourself if his business makes him a multi millionaire after you kicked him out....mark my words.

You don' t love him anymore and are now using this as an excuse. Divorce him so he can find someone worth his while.

Reply to Mandi
Posted by: Stacy | 2009-02-16

How old are you guys?

Reply to Stacy
Posted by: Depressed | 2009-02-16

I can relate to what you are feeling but earning more must not be the decider in the matter, what could you have done if the roles were reversed? Sit him down and tell him how you feel, even if it means asking him to contribute half of what he earns.

My bf does not have a full time job from the time I' ve met him, but I' m not expecting him to go and mug ppl on the streets to be on the same level as I am. He used to feel sorry for himself and 1 day I told him the following

- I am not going to feel sorry because of my achievements.
- You might not be earning the same money as me but pull your weight around this house, buy groceries, pay for lights, let me see where your went went - I' m telling you this because he used to rock up with new clothes everytime he has money. I told him that if you think those clothes with put food on your stomach then but them but don' t eat my food , pay rent in the house, buy your own groceries etc etc.....

I now have a wonderfull and responsible boyfriend because he was scared to be thrown out of the warm house...... I know how much he has on his pocket.....

As for your husband maybe threathen him with staying in the same house but cooking and doing everything separate and see what he says......

Good luck..... but remember, money is not everything...... even millionaires wish they has lesser of it.

Reply to Depressed

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