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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/03/02

My friends have problem but I dont....

I''ve recently started dating someone after taking a break for about 3years. We have been together for a very short period. In the 3yrs I have become a very independant person and I am also a single parent. I run my home like any other parent and ensure that there is enough for my child. My new boyfriend has been coming over and when he does its normally after work and sometimes his visits coincide with my daughter and I having supper. When this does happen I wouldnt think twice about offering him a plate of food. He is a very healthy person and eats a lot of fruit and when he comes over he normally eats the fruit. I dont have issues with feeding anyone, and my lifestyle has not chaged I am still able to buy the same things and still live a relatively good life. However my friends say that I am allowing the new man to take advantage of me by feeding him. Now I dont understand this. We''ve been together for 6 weeks and they tell me that I should ask him to contribute to my grocery bill. I think this is ridiculous because when I go over to his house I eat whatever is there. I know that this may not be an issue for most but i cant understand what my friends are getting at. Am I allowing my boyfriend to take advantage of me, because I certainly dont think that this is the case.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't see a problem if his fruit-devouring visits haven't become a habit, if they don't deprive you or your child at all, and if he varies the pattern by entertaining her and yourself as well, and sometimes bringing some extra fruit ny himself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2010/03/02

If its not bothering you then there isn''t a problem.

However, sometimes our friends can see things that we can''t because they are on the outside looking in. If it is ALL your friends saying this - have a look and see if hie is always coincidentally arriving at supper time.
Does he often disappear to the loo when the restaurant bill arrives? Has he often left his wallet at home when you are on outings.
IF this is what is happening, then your friends are just trying to gently get you to see that he is sponging off you.

However, I think its perfectly normal in a relationship before you are living together to be at each others houses over meal times and eat whatever is on offer. However, both of you should be helping with preparation sometimes at each others houses, and as he knows when you are having supper, he should more often than not be bringing something around to contribute to the meal - ice cream or fruit salad for afterwards, a salad, a bottle of wine, cooldrink for your daughter.

I''m also an independent person and don''t need my husband to " take care"  of me, but if he hadn''t paid the bulk of things, opened doors for me and shown general good manners according to what is acceptable in our culture, I would not have married him. Even now, although I don''t need him to do certain things for me, I let him do them anyway - because it makes him happy to protect me and our son. He doesn''t need me to fuss over him when he''s sick - he''s not the type who dies from a cold, but he lets me fuss over him when he''s sick - because it makes me happy.

That said, if you are happy with the arrangement the two of you have, then there really isn''t a problem, and perhaps you just need to gently thank your friends for looking out for you, but tell them you are OK with it.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Maria | 2010/03/02

I have also dated (and eventually married) a single parent. It''s almost inevitable that he will spend a lot of time at your house as that will mean less disruption for your child. (Just be careful that she doesn''t become too attached to him in case the relationship doesn''t work out.) As long as you''re happy with the situation I don''t see a problem with it.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: DS | 2010/03/02

I dont think so, its not like you are serious and he has practically moved in and is taking over.

Tell your friends to butt out

Reply to DS
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/02

I don't see a problem if his fruit-devouring visits haven't become a habit, if they don't deprive you or your child at all, and if he varies the pattern by entertaining her and yourself as well, and sometimes bringing some extra fruit ny himself.

Reply to cybershrink

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