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Question
Posted by: OldMe | 2013-02-04

My father my monster

All of a sudden I am pre-occupied by thoughts of my dad my monster. The abuse...the hell that he made of my childhood. People say everything happens for a reason...and other phrases that mean ''you must have done some sort of wrong to have wrong done to you''. All these are probably noble phrases but I don''t know what wrong I did to be sexually abused, beaten and threatened. All before the age of 12.

He died about 8 years ago and people talked about a saint at the funeral. A saint I had never met. It seems his sainthood disappeared before my time. He had his hopes on having a son, but I came out female...may be that''s why he became a monster.

I did lots of counselling around 2006 when I was really depressed...not sure why this is coming back.

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Our expert says:
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"everything happens for a reason" is one of those useless comments that are popular among people who want to say something comforting, and can't think of anything actually useful, to say. What is more true is that you CAN find something useful to derive from even really bad experiences, by learning appropriately from them, and avoiding them in future.
But the original phrase does NOT mean you in any way deserved what happened, and one must never make that assumption.
If you were abused, especially so young, that father WAS monstrous, and if people stupidly thought him saintly at his funeral, it just shows how easy they were for him to fool.
There can be so many reasons why old bad memories might start to come back, and its usually worthwhile to again deal with this in counselling. It implies that the task of working through this wasn't fully completed last time round.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Oldme | 2013-02-04

Thank you guys. The morning was bad but started feeling better with time. Thank you for your support. Will keep in touch through this patch. Sometimes I wonder how prevalant this is. I suspect the stats are quite high but no one speaks about these things. The thing is there always familiy members that could be hurt if we break the silence. then we bury it inside.

I pretty much pushed this aside through out my teen years and 20s. It all came back in my early thirties - around the time I had kids ...dealt with it...now it comes in my late 30s...

Thank your support and sharing your personal stories. We will always rise.

Reply to Oldme
Posted by: Sue | 2013-02-04

Hi OLDME
I am one too. I was not sexually abused but I saw my father try to kill my mom, beat her, beat my brothers and cause major injuries and then kill himself. He used to hurt our pets and I can say I remember being " frightened"  for my childhood until he hung himself in 1984 (I was in matric). Everyone knew what he was or suspected so he died lonely and alone. We are all damaged as agreed. My brothers went off the beaten path and they are no longer in our lives. It is just mom and I. I have never married (47) and never had kids. I used to beat myself up about it. Now I say, that is my choice, I manage my own finances, have a good job, have good friends and mostly I am glad to not be a victim of abuse AGAIN. I get my down periods but then as a counsellor said you are a survivor. I thought how weird, then I thought that is right! And I am proud of it. He is 6 foot under and I am not. You just get on with life and accept your weaknesses and know your strengths. So many people go through this but each experience is unique and painful. You are here aren''t you? You triumphed and we are special people. I bet you are kind, giving and loving. Share that with the people that deserve that and avoid the ones with traits you recognise. The other thing is that it is NEVER a kid''s fault. You were just a kid and how could you be happy? Some people may have suspected but it is easier for them to ignore and turn a blind eye. Stand up Survivor and know that there are many of us and we really do care. Let us know how you are doing.
With much love and best wishes,
Sue

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Purple | 2013-02-04

Those kinds of comments are never helpful. People just say things like that because they don''t know what to say.

You didn''t do anything to deserve it. Many abusive people have a public persona and a private one that only their family see. Seems like your father was like that too.
Also, nobody is all good or all bad - so there are probably some happy things you remember too, and sometimes it can be hard to think of these because they''re tainted by all the bad memories, or its just hard to reconcile that this was the same person who could be so nice sometimes and just pure evil at others.

Some things don''t happen for a reason - they just happen. What possible reason could there be for someone to abuse a child? (apart from them being a complete oxygen thief of course).

At funerals people tend to harp on about all the good things and don''t mention the bad - even if they know about it. I''ve never been to a funeral where anyone mentions the person was a grumpy old fart who littered a lot and would feed his dog late in the evening because he was too busy drinking.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Myself | 2013-02-04

Hey Oldeme, sorry to hear about what you went through. I have learnt that this things come up because we have not dealt with them properly. Life is generous since it will constantly bring them up, well in my life they turn to show up in drips and draps so I find myself grateful for the fact that they dont show up all at once. Be gentle to Self Ausi and heal your pain with love and compassion that you will extend to another person. My grandmother use to say, Boet life did a great work at damaging us. Yes whether we acknowledge or deny we are all somehow damaged and we must never get weary or discouraged to heal us. Empower yourself Ausi and forge ahead. One day you will look back and realise that indeed it was painful but it is working for your good. Be good and hope all goes well. Holla at me if you dont mind, somethings are easier when we know that we are not alone. Its mahlakuatyahoodotcom

Reply to Myself

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