Posted by: WHY | 2009-03-17

My familly and my In-laws

I am married to my husband traditionally with the lobola and my problem is after my familly in law paid the lobola to my familly, my familly has never returned what in our culture called the acceptance of lobola to my inlaws meaning they agree to that amount and every item they brought in that day.

My mother in law once asked me when am i going to stay with them cause my familly has never arranged to take me to my inlaws familly after our marriage.

During my lobola negotiations my mother was always not present because she was working abroad not always at home.I did asked my mother about the whole process and she has told me she is not certisfied about the items my inlaws bought for her.After 4 years she is telling me now about this and after my inlaws started to complain.I told her to discuss this with my uncles and to finalise everything cause i want to get to the bottom of this so she is angry with me saying i am so desperate to go and be part of my inlaws while it is not, because at the moment we(i,my kids and husband) are staying in Gauteng in our we go home(Limpopo) just to visit and at that period we have to go separate ways cause i am not allowed to stay permanant in my inlaws familly because i was not taken there traditionally by my familly after my lobola.
I am so mad by the way my familly is handling this issue cause they are the one who knows the traditional things and are holding back.Right now we are not legally married cause we can not do this without our uncles or mothers presence, if we do then we will be disrespecting them and we are on our own and even during difficult times and they wil not visit our house.

At the moment my husband is also loosing it because of this issue, i am the one who is having some problems cause MIL and husband is demanding some answers from me cause traditionally they can not go straight to my mother or my familly for answers.

I am still carring my mother surname together with my boys and while we have achieved so much together as couple with my husband without a valid marriage certificate.

We love each other a lot the problem is we are still waiting to be joint together traditionally(aka iswa bogadi).sometimes i feel like i am not married to him because of this traditional sh###t.
Please advice, Sometimes we want to forget about them and go to the magistrate court without their blessings but but.Why cant they let me go while they agreed to take my husband lobola.They always say i must wait and wait it is nearly six years now.

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Our expert says:
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It sounds inappropiate for your family to acept the old customs enough to accept payment of lobola, but apparently to neglect their other duties according to the same set of customs. I'm sure you can be legally married on your own ; the presence of other family members is not required by law, but by tradition --- the traditions they seem to be ignoring, irrespective of the difficulties this causes to you. They are being very inconsiderate, and presumabyl you need to talk wthis over with your parents, and make sure they understand how you are affected by their failures

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