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Question
Posted by: Messy | 2011-04-19

My ex and my husband

Please can someone help me. I am married for two yrs now, and been with my husband for the last 8yrs. but i just cant stop thinking about my ex, i miss him, so much, and feel so guilty for thinking about him all the time. But i just cant help it. I know my ex has moved on, but its almost like i never closed the chapter. Me and my husband are going through a ruff patch, things arent great, and we are trying to save what we can, as we have a little boy. but im so scared of what i might do. please can someone tell me how to deal with something like this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why is he your Ex ? Surely there were good reasons why you parted, and they should still be good for now. Are you not perhaps idealizing a relationship that was far less good than you seem to think in romantic remembrances ? he has moved on and is not pining for you, so you two are not going to get back together, even if that weren't a really bad idea.
The central issue is later in your message - you and your husband are going through a rough pach, and you are escaping from this by fantasizing about how marvellous it wasn't with your ex. See a marriage counsellor if you can manage, and FAMSA may be able to advise on the most economical way to do this. Solve the problems you now have, rather than pretending there were no problems in the past, when there were.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011-04-19

I agree with Maria. When you look at your ex, you see the good. When you look at your marriage, you see the bad and the ugly. Try swopping things around. Make a list of all the good in your marriage as well as a list of all the bad and the ugly from your relationship with your ex. It could help you regain some perspective.

And perhaps couples counseling is a good idea? Especially when going through a rough patch...

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Maria | 2011-04-19

You are idealising your ex because things are tough in your marriage. Presumably there is a reason why he is an ex, and not a current? Rather focus on your marriage, identify things you can do to fix the problems and do them.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-04-19

Why is he your Ex ? Surely there were good reasons why you parted, and they should still be good for now. Are you not perhaps idealizing a relationship that was far less good than you seem to think in romantic remembrances ? he has moved on and is not pining for you, so you two are not going to get back together, even if that weren't a really bad idea.
The central issue is later in your message - you and your husband are going through a rough pach, and you are escaping from this by fantasizing about how marvellous it wasn't with your ex. See a marriage counsellor if you can manage, and FAMSA may be able to advise on the most economical way to do this. Solve the problems you now have, rather than pretending there were no problems in the past, when there were.

Reply to cybershrink

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