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Posted by: Patricia | 2009-08-26

MY DAUGHTER WAS 15 YEARS WHEN SHE FELL PREGNANT


My daugter was 15 years when she fell pregnant her friend is 23 years old she gave birth to a healthy little boy who is 2 months'  and 2 weeks, she is 16 now, we moved to cape town and wanted our daughter and son to finish there school year in gauteng, and then thngs went wrong this side and me and my husband decided that they must move back to us to cape town, as the result came out positive that she was 12 weeks pregnant now the father of the baby wants to fight for custody he doesnt want her to go back to cape town with us her parents I do believe in my heart that she is to young to sty behind and I as a mother and grand mother will never let that happen please I need your advise we are taking very good care of our daughter and our grand child, she doesn'  t want to be with the father of her child I need help please we want to move back to cape town asap where we are happy


Regards

Patricia

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A man of 23 who has sex with a girl of 15, is committing the crime of statutory rape. Maybe the irresponsible young father needs to be reminded of this when he wants to claim custody in order to control where the girl will live. But I don't understand your message --- surely she isn't now pregnant AGAIN ?
Any court ( and it may have to be a court which decides, now ) will have to take all aspects into acount, and decide what would be best for the child, above all. Whether or not the father ( responsible for the acts of statutory rape ) WANTS the child in order to force the mother to stay with him, should not carry much weight. If she doesn't want to stay with him, no court would require her to do so, surely. And unless the man can prove that she would be an irresponsible and dangerous mother ( even when supported and assisted by you and your husband ) and that HE the young man would be very much better as a parent, he is not likly to be given custody.
He has a duty to maintenance to support the child --- whether or not he has acess to the child, those two issues are NOT tied together. No amount of maintena nce can buy custody or even visitation rights. And if the child is best cared for by the mother who choses to live in Cape Town with her parents, he can begiven visitation rights, and HE has the problem of how to visit the child in Cape Town --- neither the child, mother nor her family would be expected to re-locate to suit the convenience of the father.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kristen | 2009-08-28

Quiet the contrary Mandy, funnily enough my mom at her age was studing fashion at the time and worked for a clothing company as junior designer - not that there is anything wrong with long skirts and polo necks albeit it was not all I wore. (Hehe my gran however expected me to dress like that)
BTW my mom remarried 8 years ago and my half sister is 7 guess what the upbring and rules and regulations still all apply to her. When I was in High school my mom would give me 15 minutes to get home at 14:45 on the dot she would phone I remember making a mad dash for the phone every now and again. Going over to friends houses she would walk me there (we never had a car) and would fetch me and she does the same today with my sisters. Becoming a parent is a very important decision to make and having a child in this day in age you should know what you are going to contend with and although teenage pregnancy has become very common let us not forget this isnt the standard we should be living by - it isnt the norm -.it isnt okay.

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-08-27

Thanks Kristen!
Im 24, I have no kids yes you right and am in no place to judge anyone but please the child is just 15!
Things like that don' t just happen !! Thank you Kristen, a good mother would know her children, when they busy doing wrong things, what they up to, when they busy with grown men and will then steer them in the right direction not just say well these things happen!
I am digusted when I hear things like this because it is disgusting.
Damn right too I will give any child of mine a beating if they should do something like that to me!
Also I should add that I am a very open minded person, loving, caring and forgiving but if any child of mine should act like an adult when they are yet a child I will darn right put them in their place.

People now adays just give thier kids way too much rope to hang themselves with.Honestly good parents know their kids!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Mandy | 2009-08-27

You cannot compare keeping under lock and key from the time when you where 15 to being 15 now. Times have changed. You probably were kept under lock and key with dresses that dragged on the floor to hide you legs and polo necks to hide your cleavage and arms. What a shame. Good luck when your kids reach that age.

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Kristen | 2009-08-27

I completely agree with you Kelly. I' m 23 years old and my mother kept me under lock and key and the same with my 2 younger sisters. She was very strict but at the same time allowed me space and necessary freedom. I was told of the consequences of any bad behaviour and rules of our home. Which I abided by and so do my sisters. So I' m 23 now and newly married. I' m glad i was raised this way and I wouldnt change anything. My family always said my mother was too strict on my sisters and I and threatened that we would become more rebellious but I' m glad she was so stern - I' m scared to thnk what would have become of me. Also my mum was a single parent. I completely agree with you kids of today need that extra care and alot of attention. These things dont just happen there are always signs and really should know your kids behavioural patterns. You dont just say " Oh these things happen"  Because this is happening so often it' s become the norm? Whatever happened to no sex before marriage maybe I' m old fashioned - contraception ? maybe?

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: Kristen | 2009-08-27

I completely agree with you Kelly. I' m 23 years old and my mother kept me under lock and key and the same with my 2 younger sisters. She was very strict but at the same time allowed me space and necessary freedom. I was told of the consequences of any bad behaviour and rules of our home. Which I abided by and so do my sisters. So I' m 23 now and newly married. I' m glad i was raised this way and I wouldnt change anything. My family always said my mother was too strict on my sisters and I and threatened that we would become more rebellious but I' m glad she was so stern - I' m scared to thnk what would have become of me. Also my mum was a single parent. I completely agree with you kids of today need that extra care and alot of attention. These things dont just happen there are always signs and really should know your kids behavioural patterns. You dont just say " Oh these things happen"  Because this is happening so often it' s become the norm? Whatever happened to no sex before marriage maybe I' m old fashioned - contraception ? maybe?

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: Kel | 2009-08-27

Shew Kelly, you are quite critical when it comes to other people raising their own children. Do you have children? ? ? ? ?

A mother is a super woman who loves their children unconditionally. Do you know what it feels to love like that??? Because if you did, you would know that instinct that kicks in. Yes, none of our kids are perfect, and yes, they will make mistakes. Do we disown them for making those mistakes. No, we guide them. Are you perfect Kelly??? Have you never made a mistake??? Were you not a teenager???

Before you start acting all righteous, get off your damn pedestal, clean your own doorstep before you start judging other people and the way they live their lives... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO JUDGE????

Patricia, people will always be narrow minded. Don' t start doubting yourself as a mommy. You need to be there for your daughter, and you need to be strong.

I have just come out of a divorce and what I have learn about custody / access is the following:
* In order for a father to gain custody, he will have to prove that the mother is very unfit as a parent i.e takes drugs, prostitution, alchohol etc - bottom line!
* In order for him to start any legal battles, he will need a damn good lawyer, and damn good lawyers are expensive. Such a battle will cost him between R40 and R50 thousand a year (approximately) at 23 years old... I don' t think he could afford it
* If your daugter wants to move to CPT, then he cannot stop her. If I was you, I would make sure she moved ASAP... come to Gauteng, and fetch her!
* The family advocates will look at the situation, no-one will recommend that a new born is removed from their mommy
* Does he live on his own, is his residence suitable for a baby
* Can he afford a baby, supoprting that little thing on his own
* He is very disalutioned to think he will win custody
* If I understand correctly, you are practically raising the little one yourself, you have that bond with the child, not really your daughter or the father?
* These are all things that are taken into consideration, the family advocates always do what is best for the child

First things first, get your daughter home with you
See a lawyer, just for advise, get them to write the little piece of scum a letter, giving him options for access. Chances are that because he is so young, he won' t commit to anything anyway

Good luck, don' t worry, the father doesn' t have much of a leg to stand on. Get to know what he is entitled to, this will put your mind at rest. He does have rights, but in this situation, they will be limited. His tactics are more than likely bully tactics to get your daughter to stay with him. But your daughter also has responsibilites and she needs to start taking care of them.

Good luck!

Reply to Kel
Posted by: Gail | 2009-08-27

Kelly. This could happen to you too (if you are ever a mother) and maybe to your daughter one day. So please dont judge cause your own words are going to choke you when the same happens to you or someone close to you. Please go on your knees and ask for forgiveness when this happens. Regards

Reply to Gail
Posted by: Ann | 2009-08-26

Kelly stop being so fcking judgemental. Don' t act like you' re some like of perfect goddess. For fcks sakes- so what if she' s a bit young. It wasn' t disgusting when it was normal to be MARRIED at that age so whats the difference?

Reply to Ann
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-08-26

For heavens sake I would beat any child of mine that under the age of 18 and think they mature enough to have sex!
Thats just disgusting!I mean where were her parents when she was getting with this MAN, 15 is only a child, her parents shpuld have been watching her more closely.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Mandy | 2009-08-26

Kelly, Whether your child is 18 or 28. It is there and it happens. My daughter is 23 and is 5 months pregnant and believe me it is still a shock. She was well taken care of too. I have taken comfort in the following words: She is not the first and she will not be the last. Patricia well done for standing by your daughter. People that live in glass houses should not throw stones. I pray that this does not come to your door step Kelly as I would love to see you handle it even though you have taken care of your child be it a son or daughter.

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-08-26

Gosh you should have been taking good care of her before she fell pregnant and none of this would be happening now!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Liza | 2009-08-26

Unfortunately for you, the father does have rights. Is he paying support for the baby? If he is, this puts him in a good position when requesting custody or visitation. If he isn' t, the outcome of a custody hearing will probably be in your favour as well as forcing him to pay support too. Since your grand child is still a baby, the father will have to prove that the mother is unfit to look after the child - if your daughter is the baby' s primary caretaker. The family advocate at the court will look at all sides to see what is in the best interests of the baby. A social worker will probably also get involved to investigate under which conditions the father will be looking after the baby and under which conditions you and your daughter will be looking after the baby. If your daughter is breastfeeding, that will also count in her favour.

There are a lot of factors that are taken into consideration with a custody battle. Unfortunately there are too many unknown factors to really be able to give definite answer.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza

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