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Question
Posted by: broken | 2010/06/16

My damn affair

I know everyone will despise me and that I am an idiot for this. Please dont be to harsh, i am in tears and already broken. I dont know how much i can take as i wish i was dead right now. I am married man, and about 8 months ago i met a woman at a work function. We just started speaking and got to know each other. Unfortunately we both fell in love, we didnt and havent slept together but who am i kidding, its still cheating. I love her, i do, so much. She is a different religion but i dont care, i want to be with her. I love my wife, but its not the same.... But how do i leave my wife. I dont want to hurt anyone and know i am terrible but what can i do............I am dying, but then, i deserve to be.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Very, very occasionally, in such situations, people may fall in love. Much more often they fall in lust, and occasionally they fall in like, and stop thinking abou the effects their choices and actions will have on others.
Its not her different religion that counts, but her different marital status, and yours.
Wallowing in guilt but still longing to proceed with what you know is wrong, won't help anyone.
If she knows you are married, then she shows no respect for you, herself, or, most of all, for your wife. Rulang shows more of how an intelligent and responsible woman would react to such a situation. Does her religion approve of adultery and afairs ? If not, then presumably she isn't strongly influenced by that religion.
Why leave your wife ? Rather see a marriage counsellor together and find in your actual mariage whatever you now THINK you may have found in this affair ?
Either way, DO see a personal counsellor to work through your despair and to better understand how you got into this situation, and your best options for getting out of it.
And as for the old, old excuse : "If you haven't been there yourself, you woudlnt understand - I haven't fallen off a cliff yet, but I am still usefully convinced that it is a very bad idea to do so.

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17
Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2010/06/17

My mother always said that you cannot build happiness on somebody else''s pain. Very true words that...

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Del | 2010/06/17

You also think the other woman is great cause you spent little time with her, wake up and smell the coffee....you will cry at the end. To you Lost, yes we won''t understand cause we choose not to date married man we think high of ourselves to settle for less like that we can''t afford to be second best, there is so many single fishes out there

Reply to Del
Posted by: Whay | 2010/06/17

Believe me u only think this other woman is the one because u''ve only known her for 8months..What if she turns up to be not what you expected..Like other one said, the grass is not always greener on the other side..

The must be a reason that made u make the frist move on that woman, find that one out and analize it.

Reply to Whay
Posted by: broken | 2010/06/17

I am going to, i need to do this for the good of my family.......i have no kids but do have a dog which i love so much. I promise you this, this forum has saved more lives than anything i know of. Thank you all for the undeserved kind words and reality check that was much needed. You are all amazing.

Reply to broken
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/17

cant you be honest with your wife and do everything in your power to see how it goes and go for therapy (couples). i mean, before you make serious decisions?

Reply to anon
Posted by: broken | 2010/06/17

Thank you everyone, I dont deserve your kind words, but you have all made a difference. i agree with you HONEST MAN, there is no excuse, and i am not making any at all. I get what i deserve, and the pain is my burden to bear.

Reply to broken
Posted by: C | 2010/06/17

The grass is not always greener on the other side - unfortunately you may only realise this when it is too late.

Reply to C
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/17

yes we wouldnt understand because we made the choice not to go that route. anyone who chooses can have an affair. i also meet people i know im capable of loving, but i just wont go there.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Lost 2 | 2010/06/17

Hi broken, I FULLY understand what you''re going through, and people can critisize me - If one have never experience what you are going through, they wouldn''t understand. I have empathy with you. I had an affair with a married man, and I also never wanted to hurt anyone - I was brought up with good values.... It was unexpected, but I really still love him so much and I know he still love me - we had to end it though, as I know nothing would ever come from this. I don''t have advise for you, but I know how it feels... Good luck, may you make the best decision.

Reply to Lost 2
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/17

im trying to figure out the 12 years 7 years thing?? 2 posts up.

anyway, also agree with honest man. i applaud you. because where will we stop then drawing the line.

''I love my wife, she does alot for me and is good to me''.... it really isnt only about what she does for you to love her. what you are doing to her is showing your love/not.

Reply to anon
Posted by: CAT | 2010/06/17

I agree with Honest Man... and anyway this does not sound like love at all you are just infactuated and go back to the woman you know best" your wife"  this is still very new and there are things you dont know about this woman... remeber the 20,80 rule dont leave the 80 for 20 cause you WILL be sorry..

Reply to CAT
Posted by: broken | 2010/06/17

7 years? ive been married for 12 yrs. I wish i could go back to the 7 years

Reply to broken
Posted by: Honest Man | 2010/06/17

Sorry, but I cannot feel for anyone who cheats. In my book, its very shallow and mean. I am unable to find any excuse (the devil made me do it, I did not realise what was happening, I was tempted beyond reason) When there is the slightest possibility of unfaithfulness, just walk away

Reply to Honest Man
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/17

Very, very occasionally, in such situations, people may fall in love. Much more often they fall in lust, and occasionally they fall in like, and stop thinking abou the effects their choices and actions will have on others.
Its not her different religion that counts, but her different marital status, and yours.
Wallowing in guilt but still longing to proceed with what you know is wrong, won't help anyone.
If she knows you are married, then she shows no respect for you, herself, or, most of all, for your wife. Rulang shows more of how an intelligent and responsible woman would react to such a situation. Does her religion approve of adultery and afairs ? If not, then presumably she isn't strongly influenced by that religion.
Why leave your wife ? Rather see a marriage counsellor together and find in your actual mariage whatever you now THINK you may have found in this affair ?
Either way, DO see a personal counsellor to work through your despair and to better understand how you got into this situation, and your best options for getting out of it.
And as for the old, old excuse : "If you haven't been there yourself, you woudlnt understand - I haven't fallen off a cliff yet, but I am still usefully convinced that it is a very bad idea to do so.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: rulang | 2010/06/16

whats the conflicting religion?

its good that you love ur wife, then chances are you will be able to continue with her.

compare the 8 months u have been with the new woman and several years you have been with wife. which one do u know best?

this morning when i logged to this website, i wanted to ask for advice as well, about the similar problem. i have not slept well for the past 3 days due, its stress and my tummy is running. i and i feel so empty inside. but im gonna stick to my decision.

Reply to rulang
Posted by: broken | 2010/06/16

thank you for the kind words, i really know i dont deserve it. She has a conflicting religion to mine, but it does not make it an issue at all though. I love my wife, she does alot for me and is good to me, even though i know i dont deserve it. I am just so inlove with this woman. Ive been with her for 8 months and need to make a final decision because living like this is killing me, i hate it, i hate myself, i am dying inside and dont want to be alive anymore, Im scared that if i call it quites, i will not be able to forget about her..........i am such a terrible person for this. im completely broken.

Reply to broken
Posted by: Rulang | 2010/06/16

Your situation sounds so familiar. I have the same problem with a married man at work. we work in the same corridor and have known each other for the past 2 years and most of the time we ate together during lunch break. now he is so much into me and i feel something for him too. we have not talked about this and i am not sure how to approach him.

however I have made a decision that he is married and I am not going to pursue a relationship with him. Its not only about the 2 of us, many people will get hurt if we allow the relationship to happen.

What do you mean she is on a different religion?

so,dont be hard on yourself - wipe those tears and move on. Tears will not help with nothing and life is too exciting to wish you were dead. remember, its not easy for me too cos I work with the man at work. Everytime when thoughts of him come to me, i just repeat the line to myself: he is taken and i respect that and my decision is to move on. life has so many challenges and its dificult for all of us, but we must keep on trying.

maybe you can talk with ur wife to patch up things?

Reply to Rulang

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