Posted by: New Name | 2013-01-14

My Cousin Again

Hi Doc and others,

I am needing some advice.

I wrote quite a while ago re my cousin who was a little too flirty with my partner for my liking. Things that bothered me includes her sitting with her head on his shoulders when I was out the room, her rushing to squeeze herself next to him on a two seater couch when I left to take a family member home at a party last year (and there were already two people on the couch, I was the third person squeezed onto the couch before I left), her asking her his number after her phone got stolen, but only asking for mine from him a month later, etc.

At Christmas, we spend the day with them (I really didn''t want to, but my mother was going to we had no choice as we originally wanted to spend Christmas with her). Sometime during the day, my partner went to go get me something to drink. The cousin I had off feelings with was on the tablet Skyping her other cousins. 20 minutes later I went to go look for my partner and found him sitting with my cousin skyping with the other lot (who he had only met once). I called him to come with me please, and made a comment about why does she always need an excuse for you to go be near her. Little did I know that she had promptly ended the conversation after I dragged my partner away, and heard my comment.

We were invited to a braai on Saturday (we never went, partner was working and I already had plans) and apparently my sister took it upon herself to talk about my feelings. She said that she didn''t mention me directly, but I mean really, who is so stupid not to know it was me.

My cousin denied, of course. Said she wouldn''t do that to me (note, not that she doesn''t like or want my partner, just that she wouldn''t do that to me) and now I look like a complete idiot. To my partner, she said this is ridiculous and that she doesn''t know where it is coming from.

She is 19 years old, has boyfriend after boyfriend (which she cheats on after a few weeks) and even my other cousin (her sibling) was angry at her because she said she doesn''t believe in relationships and just wants to have fun, etc (you should have seen the way she acted with her sister''s boyfriend, we weren''t even sure who''s boyfriend he was).

I know I am right, if she felt so strongly about the fact that she is innocent, why has she not sent me a message telling me off for being an idiot? Why doesn''t she always wait for when I am not around before she moves in to be physically closer to him (she NEVER goes near him when I am around, will talk to him but always keep her distance). Why would she not ask for anyone else''s number that night (I asked my sisters, my cousin didn''t ask for their numbers, only my partner''s number)? Why would she always invite us out through him (I have gotten ONE message from her inviting us out)?

I don''t know how to deal with the situation. I never did anything, I left it as per the request of my sisters and partner, yet now there is drama.

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Our expert says:
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If she habitually sits with her head on his shoulder when you're there, that'd probably not be sinister. If she does so only when you elave the room, that strongly suggests that SHE thinks it is wrong, or expects you to find it bothers you.
However, we've been through all this before. You are maybe too sensitive to her misbehaviour ( and she probably enjoys upsetting you and taunting you in this way ) and she, and your partner are too insensitive to your feelings about this, apparently ignoring these completely. And apparently you have on numerous occasions discussed with with your partner, without benefit. Don't you now face a choice ? Either tell him that as this continues to bother you severely and neither he nor her have chosen to put an end to it you don't want to remain in the relationship with him, and end it ; or accept that this is how he wants things to be, and that your wish to be with him is stronger than this annoyance, and choose to remain with him and ignore this bnuisance from this silly girl.

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