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Question
Posted by: Erika | 2013/02/08

Q.

My bloed kook!

My blood is boiling … 
I have been married for 6 years now, in all the six years my husband has never worked a day. He keeps going for odd interviews but nothing comes out of them. He is very good in investing time on useless ventures. I have been patient with him since he says he is trying. He only has a car in his name, everything in the house is mine.( not sure how he feels about that as a man) , but what really irritates me about him is that he is selfish and lazy. He sits , farts, eat and watch TV the whole day, DAY-IN-DAY_OUT.
When I leave with the baby in the morning he is already up watching .When I get hom , he is still sitting watching TV, then the struggle of the remote with the baby starts as all he wants to watch is sports and discovery channel. I cook, bath and feed the baby while he continues sitting. I put the baby to sleep while he is still watching TV. I swear there is a whole on that couch, pity I cannot check as he is always sitting there. He also comes to bed way after mid-night daily.
If God forbids he decides to lift a finger to do something, he disrupts the whole house, last night after 3 weeks he decided he will change the bulb in the bathroom. He choose the time when am trying to feed the baby. This simply means I have to wait as the baby is now intrigued by the activity in the bathroom, this messes up his eating time , bath time and sleeping time by a good hour. I am not saying he should not have changed the bulb, my problem is what was he doing the whole day! The stupid bulb has been out for 3 weeks, could he not wait one more night or wait until the baby is asleep. Considering I have to wake up in the morning and go to work and the poor baby has to sleep at least 10 hours. If I ask, I do not know what I want, he is trying to help around the house!

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you can get a child and lazy bum-proof lock on the TV, so he cant watch it at all when you;re not at home.
THE LIGHT-BULB STORY sounds like a tactic, to make his helping so unpleasant you'll stop asking him to do anything.
I agree with Jenna and the others. Go on strike till he gets a job and keeps it, pays his way, shares household chores ---till then, NO cooking for him, no washing, and find a way to make the TV inoperative while you're out.
And stop arguing falsely that it'd be terrible for the child to grow up without her father --- that's exactly what's happening now, and he is contributing nothing of value to her now.
Its time this king faced a revolution. Having NO man in yur home would be very much better than having this bum.

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21
user comments
Posted by: Ingrid Roux | 2013/02/17

Cancel DSTV! Save yourself R700 a month, and maybe with nothing to watch, he will go out and get that job

Reply to Ingrid Roux
Posted by: Pieter | 2013/02/17

What does he do with himself if there is a power failure?

So, clearly communication is not working well in this household.
You cannot talk to him, as he is always watching TV, and he cannot talk to you, as you are always busy with the child (and everything else). From what I can see you already resent him, and you probably have secretly already made up your mind that you do not love him also.

From what I read here, he cannot contribute much due to the live-in help doing everything already. And in today''s job market where there is a 40% unemployment rate, it is not uncommon for people to be stuck at home not able to find a job. It is a demoralizing situation, for both of you. I agree, he needs to at least try and find a job, as jobs do not come looking for you.

So what do you do? Do you want to save your marriage, or are you looking for an excuse to get out of it? If you want to save your marriage, and since the two of you are clearly not communicating, I would suggest getting some marriage counselling, where the two of you will be given opportunity to hear what is going on in the other''s head. Don''t just say " he won''t go" , if you want to make this work, you need to convince him.

If you don''t want to save your marriage, I guess whatever we have to say here does not really matter.

Reply to Pieter
Posted by: Johnny | 2013/02/17

So, he''s a stay-at-home-dad. Many moms do that and they are loved for it. What''s your problem? You created this situation. If it doesn''t suit you, make changes. Cancel DSTV (I assume you''re paying for it) and sell the TV (again, assuming you own it).

God forbid a man complains about his stay-at-home-wife who just sits around and eats all day.

Reply to Johnny
Posted by: David | 2013/02/17

Probably the reason he watches TV all the time is to get away from your controlling nagging!

The one time he tries to help you with the bulb, you make out like everything he does is wrong. He probably hates trying to help because you probably criticize everything about the way he helps. He''s probably given up.

I suspect the reason you have put up with this for 6 years is because on some level you like having a lot of control over everyone and everything around you, and as long as he is watching TV and doing nothing, you have control over him.

Stay together, the two of you are well suited.

Reply to David
Posted by: jc | 2013/02/16

You get what you allow. No sympathy here.

Reply to jc
Posted by: boetie | 2013/02/16

yeah so just what is your point?

Reply to boetie
Posted by: Me | 2013/02/15

Effect of women''s " independence"  , men''s dependence.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Pelo | 2013/02/15

I was also in a similar situation was married to a fart for three years on top of not wanting to do anything he had other relationships outside the marriage I had to work come home cook take care of the kids pay rent groceries the fees and he did nothing till I go fed up and i divorced him left him to dry. The tme I got my divorce decree was my happiest as of now Im single and veryyyy happy,looking forward to raising my two beautiful kids and finding love.I say kick him to the curb.

Reply to Pelo
Posted by: KE | 2013/02/15

I am a man...and looking at this I wonder why the heck you put up with this? Your self respect and your child''s future are worth much more than this. And there is the saying that its better to be happy and alone than to be unhappy in a relationship.
I have a number of women reporting to me at work and there are two amongst them that are in similar situations than yours. I see what it does to their self esteem, how it builds their insecurities, destroys their self worth and even as their boss I cannot say anything. It really pisses me of!
Chuck this guy out, dont take him back when he comes begging, live your life the way you want to. The right man will come along and appreciate you for who you are.....

Reply to KE
Posted by: Honest Abe | 2013/02/15

We have one of these clowns on my wife''s side of the family too and another living opposite us, owing R90,000 in rent. These guys are RUBBISH. Get rid of him ASAP. His stories will never change and he’ ll never amount to anything. My cousin gave her leach-husband 6 months to sort himself out or get out. She ended up divorcing this lazy sad sack of smelly-stuff and remarried a hard-working guy. Best move she ever made.

Reply to Honest Abe
Posted by: BeenThere | 2013/02/15

Jenna speaks the truth - this I know out of first hand experience.

Reply to BeenThere
Posted by: BeenThere | 2013/02/15

Ask yourself what he is bringing to this relationship and the " family" ? Sounds like nothing, except the raising of your stress levels and resentment of him. He sounds not only lazy, but pretty lacking in common sense. Do yourself a favour and look up the definition of " passive aggressive"  behaviour - I bet you''ll find he fits the behaviour patterns like a glove. I was dealing with a similar situation until the resentment killed any love I could EVER have for him - it''s plain and simple ABUSE, even if not in the conventional sense! Get out - you''re doing it all on your own now anyway - kick his @ss to the curb! Strength!

Reply to BeenThere
Posted by: sue | 2013/02/15

Didn''t you know what you were marrying. ant to top it all you go and have a child with him. You deserve this this guy

Reply to sue
Posted by: same boat | 2013/02/15

This is ridiculous, my husband is the same, there is only so much you can do. the reality is that he is an absent father, he is there but no there. Im sure he isnt the supportive husband you deserve not only household chores, finance, ect. You may as well be single parent.
Im doing what I can to get out of my destructive relationship. Its going to cause you anxiety which will eventually lead to depression and you know what you cant afford that as you your childs primary care giver, bread winner. Remember your child comes first but you and your well being is of utmost importance as well. Be strong, put your foot down and free yourself!

Reply to same boat
Posted by: Marcus | 2013/02/15

I think you should be grateful that he is always at home. With the high crime rate in this country, it is nice to know your stuff is safe and protected because there is a man in the house 24/7.

Reply to Marcus
Posted by: Ricky | 2013/02/12

It''s very simple - cancel the DStv subscription - or even better, sell the TV. He might just go of his own accord, sparing you the effort of kicking him out.

Reply to Ricky
Posted by: Jenna | 2013/02/08

Erika, an ''out the picture father'' is better than a deadbeat, lazy one in my opinion.

I know you mean well for your child, but the worse thing you can do is stay for the sake of the child. What will that accomplish? The child will grow up having a lazy father (thus risking being just as lazy as the guy) and the child will grow up having an uphappy mother (risking being unhappy- imaging having a lazy unhappy child). Is that REALLY the best option?

Research has proven that children are happier in two happy homes, rather than one unhappy home.

Besides, you never know when Prince Charming will come along and sweep you off your feet. Your husband is just a frog, sadly.

Judging on the extra information, I really think you shouldn''t even bother giving him a chance. It sounds like you earn enough to survive by yourself, heck sounds like you''ll save lots of money if he''s out the picture.

And seeing that his family love him so much, he''ll have a place to go to (if you are worried about that). And because your family hate him so much, you''ll have their support.

Think of all the positives, don''t dwell on any cons. You have to do this for YOU and your baby.

Do keep us updated, I am very interested to hear what you decide.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Erika | 2013/02/08

I look at my child, I feel I cannot let her grow up without his father, he thinks his father is the king hence I cannot kick him out. As the reasons why, I had a child with him, that was rather stupid I admit. Sometimes in life as people we set our standards so high that no one can ever be good enough. My parents as well played a bit role in their expectation of a son-in-law. The clocked ticked away with no one “ good enough”  coming my way. When this lost fart came out of nowhere with I will marry you and we will have a family. I did not even blink, I was like this is my last opportunity , I better get on this bus.
When my child was born, I was privately hoping it will give him a wakeup call. To start being responsible for someone else, since he cannot do it for himself. Plus the idea of having a child came from him.
He really does not need to do much as we have a living helper, who helps around the house and cleans. He does not even take his plate to the kitchen. He just eats, farts, sleep and annoy me from time to time for a gooi. I settled for the one men who came after I have managed to chase away real good people. I am stuck with someone I know does not love me, let alone wanting to be seen with me. We do not kiss or hug. We do not go in public together. His friends do not know where he stays or who he stays with. If I have to go to the shop and we are in one car, he waits for me in the car. My family hate him, his family only love him because he is their son and sibling they do not want him close to them. He is not a bully or a physical person he JUST SITS ON HIS BEHIND AND BRAINS. Sundays are the worsts  he sits and reads newspapers from 9:00 am until 2:00 am the next morning!
I am not looking for sympathy or way out, I am just numb, is this me, is this my life. WHY? I do not even want to chase him out, because no one else will be interested in an old cow with a child. I cannot even imagine juggling dating and my child. Flip!

Reply to Erika
Posted by: Just saying | 2013/02/08

I do believe that people treat us the way we allow them to, so I believe your husband is treating you this way because you allow it. Speak to him, and tell him what you expect of him Set the boundaries. As Jenna says, give him a timeframe to find a job, with a consequence at the end of the period. Tell him that you expect him to do the washing, at least start supper, help every second night to bath the baby, etc, etc. If he doesnt change, then show him the door. What motivation is there for him to work or to change, when he as a chief cook and bottle washer in you, along with everything he needs, meals provided, cash coming in, washing done, baby taken care of.........

Don''t put up with it any more!
Good luck

Reply to Just saying
Posted by: Jenna | 2013/02/08

I agree with Samson.

Give him a time frame to get a job, ANY job that will bring some income into the house, and get him to help around the house and with the baby.

It takes two people to make a baby, yet some very silly and selfish men believe that is where their role ends.

I think what you must do is come home, do what you need to do for yourself and the baby, don''t cook for him (only for you), don''t clean up his stuff (washing, whatever). If he''s at home, he should be doing that for YOU!

May I ask why you decided to have a baby with him considering he''s been unemployed and lazy for 6 years?

Please note I am not judging, my mother is kind of in the same boat as you (not with a baby though). She''s also made some changes around the house with regards to her boyfriend (also unemployed, sits all day and watches TV, eats and eats and eats and on top of it all expects her to buy him luxuries too).

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Samson | 2013/02/08

Kick his lazy backside right out there or leave. He has it too good

Reply to Samson

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