advertisement
Question
Posted by: MarianneR | 2011/03/15

My 20 year mistake

Over 20 years ago I was involved with someone, who I was in love with. There was somebody else as well, and I chose the " somebody else" . We were together for over 10 years, we broke up about 9 years ago. I have been involved with another person for the past 2 1/2 years, I am not very happy, I am at times, but the relationship is emotionally very draining. I have now realised - with a shock - that the person I was involved with 20 years ago is actually the one that I should have stayed with - she is my soul mate. She has also been involved with someone else for nearly 20 years. We both feel the same about each other, after all these years. What do we do now? Do we pursue what we feel, or do we carry on how we are. Should she walk out of her relationship, she will walk out with nothing, basically so will I. What should I do?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Beware of the concept of "soul mates" which causes enormous suffering, and is not accurate. Of course there are some people wih whom you can form specially meaningful relationships. But there is absolutely NEVER one person unique from everyone else on earth, with whom you can have an apocalyptic relationship, while nobody else could be more than second fiddle.
Now, you are suffering from the wisdom of hindsight. You NOW, 20 years later, because the alternate you chose eventually worked out badly, and the recent relationshiop even worse, have decided that the other possibility all that time ago WOULD have been eternally happy.
There is no good reason to believe that. Yes, it MIGHT have been happy then and still ; or it could have gone sour as did the alternative you chose. Whatever choice we didn't make is easy to believe would have been marvellous, because our hope has not had the chance to be disappointed by reality.
Now it sounds as though you have met again, with both of you in currently very miserable relationships, and of course hopefully think you would be happy together. You might indeed ; or maybe not. Its not predictable, especially not from a currently hurtful position.
You each need to decide about what to do with your current relationships, in their own right, deciding in each case what is best for you - NOT based on an assumption that the pair of you could be blissfully happy together. Each can sensibly end the present relationship if it is unhappy and unmendable. Then befriend each other as unencombered friends ( NOT as soulmates ) and see how you get along. If things are as pleasant as you hope, let it develop into a relationship. If not, move on, each in your own direction, and see where else you get to

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: MarianneR | 2011/03/16

Yes - it is with another woman. Always has been female. Why do you believe the answer would have been different? Or perhaps the relationship?

Reply to MarianneR
Posted by: MarianneR | 2011/03/16

Yes - it is with another woman. Always has been female. Why do you believe the answer would have been different? Or perhaps the relationship?

Reply to MarianneR
Posted by: Clicks | 2011/03/16

Marianne, from reading your post I gather that after 20 years, you want to be with another woman? I''m not sure who the " somebody else"  else. Anyway, remember that both of you are not who you were 20 years ago, the dynamics of your new relationship will certainly also be different. The fact that you were together before does not mean that if you hook up again, it will work. But follow your heart.

Reply to Clicks
Posted by: tracked | 2011/03/15

Would this be a relationship between two women? Did I read your post correctly?

Reply to tracked
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/15

Beware of the concept of "soul mates" which causes enormous suffering, and is not accurate. Of course there are some people wih whom you can form specially meaningful relationships. But there is absolutely NEVER one person unique from everyone else on earth, with whom you can have an apocalyptic relationship, while nobody else could be more than second fiddle.
Now, you are suffering from the wisdom of hindsight. You NOW, 20 years later, because the alternate you chose eventually worked out badly, and the recent relationshiop even worse, have decided that the other possibility all that time ago WOULD have been eternally happy.
There is no good reason to believe that. Yes, it MIGHT have been happy then and still ; or it could have gone sour as did the alternative you chose. Whatever choice we didn't make is easy to believe would have been marvellous, because our hope has not had the chance to be disappointed by reality.
Now it sounds as though you have met again, with both of you in currently very miserable relationships, and of course hopefully think you would be happy together. You might indeed ; or maybe not. Its not predictable, especially not from a currently hurtful position.
You each need to decide about what to do with your current relationships, in their own right, deciding in each case what is best for you - NOT based on an assumption that the pair of you could be blissfully happy together. Each can sensibly end the present relationship if it is unhappy and unmendable. Then befriend each other as unencombered friends ( NOT as soulmates ) and see how you get along. If things are as pleasant as you hope, let it develop into a relationship. If not, move on, each in your own direction, and see where else you get to

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement