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Question
Posted by: Matheuw | 2012/06/19

My 1st relationship dilemma

Dear CyberShrink

Who ever thought that relationships can be so difficult? I am a 28 guy who recently started dating a 39 year old guy. We hooked off pretty well, have a lot in common and really enjoy each other’ s conversation etc. To be honest, this is my very first gay relationship, ever. I’ ve had a few crushes on guys before and generally had a good life being single.

So I met this guy who is really wonderful and funny and very charming. But after a few weeks I started having problems with everything (or maybe creating these problems in my head?) …  It’ s just, I have visited him these last two weekends (we do stay ±  hour away and only see each other on weekends) and it was really great, we hanged out, went to movies, started kissing, talked etc. But this last weekend he felt distant. We didn’ t talk as much, we caressed a bit, and he was really constantly on his phone typing messages to a friend.

I was really cool with it but now start to create these scenarios where he leaves me. I tried to change my mindset but I do feel that he is becoming more distant, like that great spark is gone and he doesn’ t feel the same anymore. The thing is, he is pretty honest with me, like he tells me a lot about serious stuff and he sees a psychologist about general issues. He had a pretty bad childhood (abusive dad and brother that committed suicide in the end) but he moved on and forgave his dad etc. … 

Now he is going on a holiday with his Ex (they broke up a month after we met), the reason is because they planned and paid months ahead for this trip and well, it’ s one of those tour packages and the Ex really can’ t turn the event down. And again, I am fine with it.

I don’ t know what I am typing anymore. I really care for this guy and truly understand all this fuss about love and relationships  I just wish I can go back to being single and happy. But I love him, so bad, that these thoughts I have of him leaving me, it physically hurts me. How can I think with my head and not my heart? How can I be rational about these things?

Please, I am one emotional mess … 
(Reading this message of mine, I can’ t even believe I am using words like “ Ex”  etc.)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm more surprized by people who can assume that relationships are easy ! Its largely the same, gay or straight. Where the age difference is significant is not so much a matter of years, but of culture - whether one's broader social viewpoint and habits match or not.
As this is your first serious relationship, maybe you're mainly just unfamiliar with how they go.
Being busy on a phone texting another friend while a real friend is with you, is just bad manners. But as the cliche goes, it does suggest that he's just not that into you.
If you go on holiday with someone, that's not an Ex. If they planned and paid for it months ago, that suggests that the breakup was ony recent. And starting a relationship with someone who hasn't finished processing the previous relationship, is never a good idea.
One cant think entirely rationally about emotional matters, but try to avoid, for instance, concluding that this is LOVE when it may be affection

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Matheuw | 2012/06/20

I will let you know how it goes after the holiday.

I trust this guy, even if he cheats on me, leaves me for someone else, I will be hurt but I will get back on the dating scene and carry on with life, never say die!

Now lets pray ...

Reply to Matheuw
Posted by: most probably | 2012/06/20

shame, sorry dear. are you really going to let him go away with an " Ex" ? you''ve got it bad. if i was in your shoes, i would take a break from this and see how it works itself out.if he really cares for you, he will show you, but if he is still with the " EX"  you will also know it.

Reply to most probably
Posted by: fifi | 2012/06/20

We are not gay or lesbian there is a forum for people like sooorrryyy

Reply to fifi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/20

I'm more surprized by people who can assume that relationships are easy ! Its largely the same, gay or straight. Where the age difference is significant is not so much a matter of years, but of culture - whether one's broader social viewpoint and habits match or not.
As this is your first serious relationship, maybe you're mainly just unfamiliar with how they go.
Being busy on a phone texting another friend while a real friend is with you, is just bad manners. But as the cliche goes, it does suggest that he's just not that into you.
If you go on holiday with someone, that's not an Ex. If they planned and paid for it months ago, that suggests that the breakup was ony recent. And starting a relationship with someone who hasn't finished processing the previous relationship, is never a good idea.
One cant think entirely rationally about emotional matters, but try to avoid, for instance, concluding that this is LOVE when it may be affection

Reply to cybershrink

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