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Question
Posted by: Susan | 2012/07/03

Must I do this alone?

We have been married for 19 years with 2 children. Our marriage has been good. Only the usual ups and downs that we sorted out. Three years ago my husband had an indiscretion as he calls it. I was very affected by this and still have not got over it.

I have huge trust issues. We did everything to help us e.g councelling, therapy, meds, tests. All seems to be ok and we are trying to carry on. We do love each other.

I have had this eary awaken thing - at 4 to 430am ever since and lie awake in the dark, quietly and alone which is horrible. Yesterdy a.m. I decided that as he caused these problems I would wake him up too, he was very cross with me.

Now I feel very guilty and wonder if I''m supposed to suffer in silence until my emotions are sorted. The way I feel now is that I will wake him up every morning when I wake up and cannot go back to sleep.

Do you think this will make things worse? Am I being unfair?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its understandable that after experiencing betrayal unexpectedly from a husband you trusted, you find it hard to trust again.A counsellor / therapist could help you get back into proportion - to neither be so trusting as to be highly vulnerable, nor so reflexly untrusting as to avoid love and pleasing relationships.
I don't see where meds could have helped either of you in a situation like this.
Early Morning Wakening and gloom is actually a very typical symptom of Depression, and you should have a shrink or at least a GP assess for this possibility, and discuss treatment options, which should include CBT counselling and possibly medication.
Maybe you are being unfair to yourself. Take proper care of yourself, and explore what will be best for you. You are NOT expected to suffer in silence, and dont accept any invitations to do so. Waking him up when you wake early, isn't likely to be of any real help for you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2012/07/03

I don''t think it''s your emotions waking you up. I think it has just become a bad habit. Luckily CBT-style therapy is great at helping you break bad habits - unlike normal talking therapy where you''re just rehashing the past and how it makes you feel.

I know that you feel he caused this and should suffer with you, but waking him up when you can''t sleep is only going to cause resentment now and in future. (It''s like having a small baby - if someone has to feed it, it doesn''t make sense for both parents to stay awake for every feeding. The only difference is that you can''t tell him that it''s his turn to wake up early...)

If you learn the CBT techniques and continually practise them, your early-awakening bad habit will soon become a thing of the past. I know that it''s helped me enormously. I used to take almost an hour to fall asleep and then I''d wake up once an hour during the whole night, leaving me exhausted in the mornings. With the help of CBT I now mostly sleep through the whole night.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012/07/03

Susan I know how you feel and it is a very difficult thing to work through. Once the trust has been broken you take years to get over it even with help from a doctor.

To wake him up will not help you in the least. When he is in bed next to you do you still feel anger towards him? I still do after about 4 years!! Still angry at my wife for what she has done to me!!

The day you marry someone you give that person a part of your life and when they destroy that part it takes a long time to repair it.

my wake up time is around three in the morning and by Thursday I am so tired!!

Best of luck and be strong as long as it takes!!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/03

Its understandable that after experiencing betrayal unexpectedly from a husband you trusted, you find it hard to trust again.A counsellor / therapist could help you get back into proportion - to neither be so trusting as to be highly vulnerable, nor so reflexly untrusting as to avoid love and pleasing relationships.
I don't see where meds could have helped either of you in a situation like this.
Early Morning Wakening and gloom is actually a very typical symptom of Depression, and you should have a shrink or at least a GP assess for this possibility, and discuss treatment options, which should include CBT counselling and possibly medication.
Maybe you are being unfair to yourself. Take proper care of yourself, and explore what will be best for you. You are NOT expected to suffer in silence, and dont accept any invitations to do so. Waking him up when you wake early, isn't likely to be of any real help for you.

Reply to cybershrink

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