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Question
Posted by: AA | 2012/07/31

Moving on

I would like to know when do one settle in a relationship. I have been divorced and got back together 2 yrs ago and move in back to the house together with our kids and life seems settled but to my surprise the question of where do we go from seemed a diffucult one but instead the answer i get is just live togetherand help each other, he cannot commit bcos his mother never allowed him the grounds until his mother he will then commit thus why our marriage didnt wok in the first place bcos we did things ourselves without his mother''s approval. We are busy renovating our hous and sharing plently ideas we were good at and why commit to material things when commit at heart.
I love this guy so much but everytime when things get serious, he has an excuse moreover it is like we live by his conditions and not the love we share. Whilst trying to understand him but hurting bcos im ready and he is not and it is entirely him but the mother who is not coming through for him to make things happen in his life. I am hurting and feel im still wasting my time again moreover investing with all money i got for something that doesnt guarantee anything on this earth.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thrre are no rules about this, as each situation can be so difeent from another. I'd be worried about why he seems to leave it to his mother to decide whether he has a relaionship. That's never a good idea. If his mother disapproves of him marrying you, does she know you are again living together ? He's really not finished growing up if he needs his mom's approval about such personal things in his life. And certainly, it may be highly unwise to invest your money in a house you maybe don't own and which may cause problems if and when you separate again.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gail | 2012/08/01

I think that Cybeshrink says it best. However it is very difficult to part company when there ae children particularly financially because together you can evidently give them a decent home in property which belongs to their grandmother and can renovate the house which belongs to her, apart you can''t buy a house? It sounds as though his mother is using the house to keep him tied to her apron strings and he is waiting for her to die. Both of them are getting something out of this arrangement which is your money fixing their property. What if Mom dies and leaves everything to a cat''s home? All yor money is gone and you are still not legally married. I hope he is actually working and also contributing financially. If not leave unless Mom deeds that house to you -puts it in your name. Do NOt put one more cent into a property which isn''t yours with a man who could chuck you out with your kids. He needs counselling - it doesn''t matter how much you love one another, life happens eg - he dies suddenly and now you have no claim and Mom doesn''t like you and throws you out? Think of your children - what provision have you made for them if you are retrenched and unable to work and Mom gets him to throw you out. If this man loves you he needs to be firm with his Mother and take your security and that of his kids into consideration. You do not need to marry him for that to happen. Just make it clear that unless the house is in your name you will not put another cent into renovating it because you have no security due to his inability to commit. Don''t throw your money away because of promises in the future over which neither of you actually have any real control. There are children here to be considered. Put the money into a Trust which is for the children only to be administered by independent parties/executors in the event of your death.

Reply to Gail
Posted by: brandon | 2012/08/01

move on with your life get urself a new man and make him and your kids happy i got myself a new woman and we going to have our forth child

Reply to brandon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/31

Thrre are no rules about this, as each situation can be so difeent from another. I'd be worried about why he seems to leave it to his mother to decide whether he has a relaionship. That's never a good idea. If his mother disapproves of him marrying you, does she know you are again living together ? He's really not finished growing up if he needs his mom's approval about such personal things in his life. And certainly, it may be highly unwise to invest your money in a house you maybe don't own and which may cause problems if and when you separate again.

Reply to cybershrink

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