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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011/12/22

Moving eldery mother out - I am answering you Cybershrink

Yes she is totally dependent on me except that she gets a state pension that goes into the whole budget. I feed her, I clothe her, I pay for her meds and medical aid. I treat her to treats as best I can. I buy her whatever she needs or wants within reason of my money.

She tries to help and means well I suppose. She goes into my room to make my bed she says. Always asking if she can help me when she can see what needs to be done in the place but makes a bee-line for my room or bathroom. I have asked her repeatedly to stay out of my room. I am 46 for God''s sake.

I said to her that she neither hears nor sees me if you know what I mean.

I feel so fragile and afraid of finances and what the future may bring. The logistics are hard, truly.

But I need to be STRONG because in the long run I think that our lives will be happier. This is not a big house, with pets, with a husband so there is some normality. It is an abnormal situation to have my mother living with me. She plays with me - she says I am so controlling and I am otherwise she stuffs it up. On Friday (a public hol) she announces that I must cancel her specialist appointment. I said I can''t do that, she was booked 6 months ago and you know about it plus they charge for no show''s. I said you are not the one that must make the excuses. Had a blazing row and her friend too her as the car was broken. She sms''s me to tell me that she does not know what medication to substitute. I said you sat infront of the specialist but it is now up to me to find out. No home phone and she was out of airtime but still. I guess that was controlling of me too.

I just long for my own place - coming home to things as I left them, eating what I want, going where I want and at least having the CHANCE of meeting somebody.No guy wants a 70 year old in tow especially knowing she is dependent on me.

I wish for us both to be happy. I am not happy and weakening. Just keep telling myself to be STRONG STRONG STRONG and do this. All my friends say it is the right thing to do.

She may fall or get ill (she is on my medical aid) but I can''t watch her like a hawk for the rest of my life - what about mine? I cannot afford an old age home, I cannot afford frail care so it has to be a community type of thing for her i.e. a few people her age sharing a house but living kind of independently.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its often saddest when someone means well, without necessarily doing well. In the meanwhile, try giving her specific requests for things she can usefully help with, even if they seem obvious for you. And maybe lock your bedroom door, if that is possible ? Clearly in many ways she needs someone to be controlling, bur resents it when you are so. I wish you luck in finding the sort of community arrangement you have in mind.
I know from personal experience how difficult this sort of situation can be, with even the most loving and thoughtful parent ; and should dementia arise, it can become tragic, and in an exaggerated form, like what you are noticing, when you come to need to parent your parent.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Regular | 2011/12/22

We have told you befre 2 get legal advice, the maintenance act hold all siblings responsible for the care of a perent - why do you never do this?

Reply to Regular
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/22

Its often saddest when someone means well, without necessarily doing well. In the meanwhile, try giving her specific requests for things she can usefully help with, even if they seem obvious for you. And maybe lock your bedroom door, if that is possible ? Clearly in many ways she needs someone to be controlling, bur resents it when you are so. I wish you luck in finding the sort of community arrangement you have in mind.
I know from personal experience how difficult this sort of situation can be, with even the most loving and thoughtful parent ; and should dementia arise, it can become tragic, and in an exaggerated form, like what you are noticing, when you come to need to parent your parent.

Reply to cybershrink

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