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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011-12-22

Moving elderly mother out of my home

I feel so awful.My 70 year old mother lives with me.I am 46.Female.Single.She has no money.I am struggling.We live in a decent flat.We fight all the time.She refuses to stay out of my bedroom, eats to much and ignores things I ask her to do and not do.She says I sweat the small stuff.I say you stomp over what I feel or want and if it is so small I guess so is the relationship.She is not a bad person she is just different to me.I feel like I am living in an old age home instead of my own style.She never goes out much so she is always there.My girlfriends visit me but its awkward.I cannot afford a decent old age so I am looking for other places.I told her we have to split.She will be loney ad nauseum.I just told her that I will not desert her but I need my own space.I said if you lie on your bed depressed and never join in anything so be it.I said I will never meet a decent man in these circumstances and never really live my life.I am there for her all the time, I pay for absolutely everything except that she earns a state pension.We just do not get on living together and it is totally destroying the relationship.There is a bad family history of suicide, depression, divorce, her two other kids don''t speak to her.We have both said terrible things to the other.I think it is time to split.She lived with me 5 years.She had 7 joint ops.I have never deserted her and never will.I will struggle financially.I will do all I can for her.She has her own little car.Why is this so very, very, very, very hard?I try to look to the future after the seemingly immense logistics have been sorted (finding her affordable accommodation, giving notice on the current flat, getting deposits together, finding me a place and coping with it all including the risk she may decide to go to pieces.I feel so darn depressed.I think my parents (father killed himself in 1981 are such total mess-ups and totally destroyed our lives) - my brothers are mess-ups and quite frankly I am hinging on my sanity.Today I just decided this must be done.She can have everthing.I can live with a bed and a TV and books and nothing else.The last 14yrs of my life have been hell with family dramas.I feel I am entitled to live my life the way I want.I cant make her life right or happy (it never has been).I am just SAD.It all hurts a lot.There is so much pain and hurt and hate in my family.My brothers consider us both dead since I asked them to contribute to the monthly expenses.I just want my own place (peace) and the same for her (is this so wrong). Why the immense guilt?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Beggars can't be choosers, and guests MUST respect their hosts. Does she have no income or savings of her own ? Is she totally dependent on you ? If she has alternatives, she should be invited to explore them. If she ( and thus you ) don't have alternatives, then you need a calm sit-down talk with her, about how this may not be a situation either of you would have chosen, but if she is to stay with you it is essential that she keep to the rules of your home, and that includes consistent respect for you, she MUST keep out of your space ( as YOU define it ) and respct your budgets. Its understandable why her other kids aren't keen to have her either, and she must decide if she wants to make this 3 out of 3, and to recognize that this is HER doing. She can make independent plans if she prefers, or arrange to enter a retirement village or complex. But while in your house, your wishes and rules must be respected.
Her planned loneliness isn't a deal breaker - wherever she goes SHE has the choice of making friends and hobbies and becoming less lonely.
You ARE entitled to live your own life as you choose. That her life has never been happy, is sad, but not at all your fault. It is her responsibility, and from the sound of it she has caused at least some of the loneliness and unhappiness by her own choices.
The guilt arises because you are a really nice person, and, unlike too many people these days, you feel responsible for others and for their happiness ; and maybe she has also used the technique of evading her own responsibility for many of the situations she creates, and teaching you to accept blame for them.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-12-22

Beggars can't be choosers, and guests MUST respect their hosts. Does she have no income or savings of her own ? Is she totally dependent on you ? If she has alternatives, she should be invited to explore them. If she ( and thus you ) don't have alternatives, then you need a calm sit-down talk with her, about how this may not be a situation either of you would have chosen, but if she is to stay with you it is essential that she keep to the rules of your home, and that includes consistent respect for you, she MUST keep out of your space ( as YOU define it ) and respct your budgets. Its understandable why her other kids aren't keen to have her either, and she must decide if she wants to make this 3 out of 3, and to recognize that this is HER doing. She can make independent plans if she prefers, or arrange to enter a retirement village or complex. But while in your house, your wishes and rules must be respected.
Her planned loneliness isn't a deal breaker - wherever she goes SHE has the choice of making friends and hobbies and becoming less lonely.
You ARE entitled to live your own life as you choose. That her life has never been happy, is sad, but not at all your fault. It is her responsibility, and from the sound of it she has caused at least some of the loneliness and unhappiness by her own choices.
The guilt arises because you are a really nice person, and, unlike too many people these days, you feel responsible for others and for their happiness ; and maybe she has also used the technique of evading her own responsibility for many of the situations she creates, and teaching you to accept blame for them.

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