Our expert says:
Beggars can't be choosers, and guests MUST respect their hosts. Does she have no income or savings of her own ? Is she totally dependent on you ? If she has alternatives, she should be invited to explore them. If she ( and thus you ) don't have alternatives, then you need a calm sit-down talk with her, about how this may not be a situation either of you would have chosen, but if she is to stay with you it is essential that she keep to the rules of your home, and that includes consistent respect for you, she MUST keep out of your space ( as YOU define it ) and respct your budgets. Its understandable why her other kids aren't keen to have her either, and she must decide if she wants to make this 3 out of 3, and to recognize that this is HER doing. She can make independent plans if she prefers, or arrange to enter a retirement village or complex. But while in your house, your wishes and rules must be respected.
Her planned loneliness isn't a deal breaker - wherever she goes SHE has the choice of making friends and hobbies and becoming less lonely.
You ARE entitled to live your own life as you choose. That her life has never been happy, is sad, but not at all your fault. It is her responsibility, and from the sound of it she has caused at least some of the loneliness and unhappiness by her own choices.
The guilt arises because you are a really nice person, and, unlike too many people these days, you feel responsible for others and for their happiness ; and maybe she has also used the technique of evading her own responsibility for many of the situations she creates, and teaching you to accept blame for them.
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