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Question
Posted by: hails2904 | 2008/10/01

moving 2 year old out of home

hi there. im a 23 year old mom to a 2 year old daughter. we have been living with her father since day 1 of her life. we are currently broken up and i am moiving into a new place as of november 1st with my daughter. what is the best way to ensure she settles in nicley and to avoid as lil seperation anxiety as possible from the father, how much time should we arrange he sees her and whats the best way we can work this out without causing any phsychological damage to her?? is exactly half time spent okay or is that unsettling to move her from place to place so often, im really confused and concerned about her well being in this respect, he is a great dad and she needs her dad,the reason we moving into our own place is cause he shouts too much and fights too much and gets a lil aggressive with me and he keeps telling me im ruining her life by taking her away and im going to mess her up but all i wanna do is provide a peaceful environment for us all but now im worried i do mess her up by taking her out of her home, will she settle in nicely in a new place. im really worried and i want to make sure im doing the right thing and i wanna be a good mom to her but its difficult to be a good mom in that home with him

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

dont't think there are concrete rules to guide us here. Kids are resilient a this age, and wil,respond partyl to the situation itself, and partly according to how you react to it. She's not likely to be psychologically damaged if you both take it calmly. Work out what sort of time of access will be practical for him to keep up, and explain that you will be living separately for now, but that you both love her and he will be seeing her X amount of time, and treat this as being reasonable and not any Big Deal. If he is aggressive towards you, this could be alarming for her, and if he is calmer and loving towards her when you are sepaate, this may be more suitable for her. Striving for an exact 50 % split of time can be too mechanical, as well as hard to keep up. Kids don't appreciate major changes in routine, so rather switch to one that you can both comfortably maintain.
SHe will probably settle in fine to a new place as it will be with you, and with at least some of her usual favourite toys and furniture if possible. Don't feel guilty about this --- that in itself could be more bothersome to her than the move itself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2008/10/01

A child will usually be ok and feel safe as long as she is with a parent who is ok and who makes her feel safe. So keep her routine the same as much as possible, move all her stuff with and show her where it is, and just take each day as it comes. If you can' t agree with the dad about time spent with each of you, maybe get a child psychologist to mediate and advise.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: EL | 2008/10/01

Then it would be better to leave, I agree with you.

Reply to EL
Posted by: hails2904 | 2008/10/01

thanks cyber shrink for your reply.....i keep telling myself im making the right desicion, but thanks to your reply i feel better about making this desicion.
thank you very much

Reply to hails2904
Posted by: hails2904 | 2008/10/01

hi El i think leaving her in an ustable abusive environment is alot more traumatic in my opinion, when a lil girl at 2 year old comes and asks her mommy why daddy is always shouting is a lil disturbing and there is no way we can live together any longer as we cant get along at all and he is controlling and psychologically and sometimes physically abusive and we are both seeing other people so staying together is not an option at all. i know the change may be rough for her and scary but i feel i have no option here

Reply to hails2904
Posted by: EL | 2008/10/01

Moving to another place or changing everything she' s used to will make her confused. It is very traumatic for a child to make such a huge change. But after a while she will get used to it and soon forget about the whole change. But there' s other ways for you and him to get along nicely if you still want to stay with him?

Reply to EL

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