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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012-09-20

Mother/daughter Relationship

Dear CS

My mother &  I r currently not on spking terms. We hv neva been close bt things have gone from bad 2 worse over the past few years. She has accused me of not consulting her abt the decisions I make in my life (eg buying a car, having a baby etc) &  taking other ppl''s advise instead. I have tried countless times 2 xplain 2 her that this is not true I hv done my level best 2 include her in mi life. The thing is my mother is not an easy person to approch, she''s just sarcastic &  leaves in a world of her own, atleast towards me as she''s very friendly towards other ppl like my cousins (i am an only child). I have done my level best over the years to humble myself and spk to her about this to no avail. I have reached a point where I have given up on us ever having a normal mother/daughter relationship and honestly donno what to do anymore. I think she is bitter about something but she''s just not telling me what it is, I have blamed myself over the years asking wht did I do for her to resent me so much but have ended up blank. Family members have suggested counselling but I doubt she would agree 2 go as she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me I must leave her alone as she''s living her life &  doesnt need anything from me. What frustrstes me the most is that she''s not telling me what it is that I did wrong.

I have tried to move on with my life but cant pretend that this is not killing me so much emotionally. What do I do???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A mother might be happy if you chose to chat about your life decisions with her, but is not entitled to be consulted on your choice of a new car, or your decision to become pregnant. This strongly suggests a mother more interested in living your life and in living her own.
There should be no need for you to humble yourself ever, or to artificially get her involved in your life. IF what you have said is what she was complaining of , then those were selfish and enurotic complaints and not at all your fault.
Don't allow this to "kill you emotionally ". If you leave her to boil in her own juices for a while, she may then choose to approach you and try to re-establish contact, and then it'd be useful for you to be welcoming but firm, and to make it clear that you'd likfe to be friendly, but will deek her advice only when youi wish to, just as she only seeks yours shen she chooses to.
Maybe then invite her to join you in some couples counselling, to sort out the differences that have distressed you both, with proper expert help. Leave her bitterness, which she created, in her own lap, and stop accepting invitations to blame yourself for bad choices she has made

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-09-20

A mother might be happy if you chose to chat about your life decisions with her, but is not entitled to be consulted on your choice of a new car, or your decision to become pregnant. This strongly suggests a mother more interested in living your life and in living her own.
There should be no need for you to humble yourself ever, or to artificially get her involved in your life. IF what you have said is what she was complaining of , then those were selfish and enurotic complaints and not at all your fault.
Don't allow this to "kill you emotionally ". If you leave her to boil in her own juices for a while, she may then choose to approach you and try to re-establish contact, and then it'd be useful for you to be welcoming but firm, and to make it clear that you'd likfe to be friendly, but will deek her advice only when youi wish to, just as she only seeks yours shen she chooses to.
Maybe then invite her to join you in some couples counselling, to sort out the differences that have distressed you both, with proper expert help. Leave her bitterness, which she created, in her own lap, and stop accepting invitations to blame yourself for bad choices she has made

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