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Question
Posted by: Pressure | 2003/06/20

Q.

Mother thinks I'm lesbian because I'm a virgin

Dear CyberShrink
I have written to you before (18/06/03) about my controlling parents and the pressure that I am under to be a perfect daughter. I'm 20 years old and still a virgin. My mother has gossiped behind my back saying she thinks I'm lesbian! I am attracted to men, and men only. The thought of being a lesbian terrifies me! My twin sister has had sex before and my mother encouraged it but when her boyfriend broke up with her, my mother told her she was being used for sex!
My parents are divorced and my mother has even threatened to become a prostitute for money. I value my virginity and I do not want to have sex unless I know it is with someone who cares deeply for me. After finding out about my mother's suggestions, I almost slept with three men in less than a month to prove to myself that I was heterosexual!
My friends supported me being a virgin and made me realise it's something you can never regain once it is lost. In the back of my mind, I feel my mother is always judging me because I am a virgin! Men always tell me how sexy and beautiful I am, I suppose it scares me because I want them to get to now the person inside and not just this gorgeous girl! What is wrong with a 20-year-old virgin?

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Pressue,
It sounds like your mother has a very disturbed attitude towards sex. Any sensible mother would be delighted that her daughter is still a virgin before marriage. There is no relationship whatsoever between virginityand lesbianism. And you know what your preferences are --- they're none of your mother's busines, and for pete's sake dont sleep with anybody just to satisfy her, or to settle doubts she has raised with her daft comments, about your sexuality.
Congratulations on your virginity ! Don't spoil it just because one o two other people have sicko ideas about it.

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2
user comments
Posted by: Scooter | 2003/06/23

Hi Pressure

I am only a few years older than you and I just wanted to add a "small" comment. Keeping your virginity or losing it is your choice and yours alone. How is your mother finding out about your or your sister's sexual encounters (or lack thereof)? I mean I have an open relationship with my folks but I sure don't tell them who I am or am not sleeping with. It's your business - not hers. Also be wary of anyone who attempts to tell you that you must keep your virginity till you are married or that you must go out and lose it to the first hot guy. I have some friends who have desperately clung to their virginity as if it was the holy grail. Finally they sleep with "their true love" and end up breaking up with him (or her) a year later. Or worse - they rush into marriage so that they can do the deed and it ends in divorce after 2 years. These aren't urban legends either - I have names! They then realise that they lost previous potential "true loves" because of their "virgin till married" policy. I am sure some will give me flack for this but I feel that in this day and age, there is too big a time gap between when we become sexually mature and when we marry and expecting anyone to remain a virgin till they are married is setting most up for failure. In my case, I have had 3 long term partners of at least a few years and these are the only people I have slept with and I have no regrets about it at all. Sex is fantastic and waiting till you are 26 or 28 or 30 means losing out on a lot of fun. HOWEVER, for some people, the desire to be a virgin is very strong and I say that if you have thought it through very carefully and are TOTALLY committed to this ideal, then you must follow this difficult path. It is in many ways it is a quandry - do you have the maturity to make a decision about such a matter at the age of 16 or 18? If not then are you mature enough to be sleeping with someone?

Final comment - how are you feeling inside? Your letter seems to suggest that you are wanting to have sex simply to satisfy your mother which I feel is a big no no. Have sex when you feel ready to. The time will come - don't rush it. Good luck.

Reply to Scooter
Posted by: Glen | 2003/06/20

Well I am a mother of a 24 year old who has said she will be a virgin on her wedding night and that makes me a proud mother. I am very sorry that at this point your mom doesnt think that, but you are an adult and your choice up to now has been good. Live your life and dont allow a controlling person to influence your GOOD choice. Perhaps your mom is the one here who needs counsel. Dont make hasty wrong decisions to please her.
Make a stand and stick by it and one day she will realise her error.

Reply to Glen

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