Posted by: HurtingDeepInside | 2009-11-16


I'  m a 25yr old daughter of a single mother, have 2 older sisters(29 and 27) both living with their men and kids, and 1 younger sister(18) and a younger brother(9). 3 are of the same father and the other 2 different fathers.

My mother has always had bad relationships and i truelly feel sorry for her.She was always in short-term relationships where I can see she gives her all(probably too much), and that she ends up being taken for granted, i know now that i'  m older.

I live away from home and have a comfortable life. Back at home she has always made sure that we never went without, and I love her more than anything for all her sacrifices. Last year, she started dating a '  home-boy'  (who doesnt even have a job), the whole village was talking about this and my mother seemed not to care.

She started to live like a minor, dressing like us etc, trying to be a perfect person for this younger guy, and my sisters and I were very bitter over this, but I eventually just accepted that we cant choose for her. This guy would sneak in at night when we lived together before moving in with her in her room, and she started sort of losing her self-esteem due to this.

We'd talk and she'd just listen and not say anything. Now my uncle gave her a 2-roomed house so she can make a home 4 us, my mother then moved in with this guy. I said to her that i would like to fulfil my promise and help her build a home, and also whats going to happen when we come home in Dec? she promised me that the arrangement was temporary, that they'd even go rent so that we can have a home when we visit.

It's been a year, Dec is coming, and it looks like nothing is going to change. I sent her ALL of my savings to build the house, i hear they bought a car which she says was given to them. I decided not to follow where Savings went, it was a gift to her afterall.

I also discoverd 4 months back that my 18yr old sister has not been studying since going to tertiary for 2 years. she was pocketing rental + the school fees(which i know in my heart could be a result of the home situation).

She had to go back home and now lives with my mom and her Boyfrnd in the 2 room house, where the 'visitor' is always locked in the one room with TV/Radio and other entertainment. My sister cant go in during the day when my mother isnt home(he doesnt have a job), so my sister spends her days looking into the walls, friends and visitors is something tht my mother doesnt approve of. (We grew up like that and i still respect her rules).

Because my mother is soo upset about my sister'  s story she has chosen to almost disown her, they go out to lunches and leave her behind etc.

When I speak to her I can feel that she is depressed, I dont condone what she did but i feel that my mother should take responsibility for this(I am) and she could try and focus on giving her the motherly love she is missing, instead of this treatment. On the other hand I really love my mother and want her to be 100% happy such that I'  ll choose to overlook her flaws and just accept things as they are but I can see it is killing our family. My mother is also very emotional, any attempt to have an honest conversation with her about this causes her to become emotional and me feeling very guilty.

Its even worse as I have 90% evidence to believe that they are both hiv+(something that i'  ve cried and cried about and eventually accepted, confronted her wanting her to feel like its ok to be positive and i'  m always there for her but she said there was nothing - i didnt push it - this is even more reason I'  d want her not to worry about anything).

I feel that this is causing sooo much strain, these issues cross my mind everyday, i cry like almost everyday at the thought of the mess, questions such as how are we going to all fit into that house, seeing the '  visit'  is permanent?

My whole family counts on me for all, I dont want any1 of them to get hurt and luckily 4 me i can cry it all out, pray and be ok. i was thinking after speaking to her that maybe this festives we must just FORCE matters, plan an outing where all my family including the boyfrnd can have lunch and do activities together.

But I just know this is a win-lose strategy where the rest will feel lost and only my mother happy. How can we resolve this, please help I am sooo out of ideas. Mother isnt strong enough to deal with negative critisism. Its just a huge mess the whole thing.

I found myself thinking that maybe God could take him soon(I know this is just a devil thought) but in my heart his involvement with my mother seems to be a big problem, we all dont have much access to her now, I miss the days when she'  d spend a night sleeping with us in bed, or even spending the entire Xmas time with us, she doesnt want to compromise when it comes to this guy.

Any sort of advice will be highly appreciated. Many thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I have an uneasy feeling that I have read this whole, sincere but excessively long, posting before ? Hasn't this been posted and replied to, before ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: ME | 2009-11-17

I really feel sorry for you and have never been in that situation. You sound like a very loving and responsible young woman. Just keep the faith pray about it. God does not abandon his children. You guys will pull through.

Reply to ME
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-11-17

I have an uneasy feeling that I have read this whole, sincere but excessively long, posting before ? Hasn't this been posted and replied to, before ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Mymy | 2009-11-16

Y not take your sister? to leave with you.

Reply to Mymy

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