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Question
Posted by: Michaela | 2011/02/22

Mother in law

Hi CS

My mother in law is very obsessive over my husbands 10 year old son. She takes situations into her own hands and doesnt respect how my husband brings up his son. she will go out and do her own thing for him without asking my hubby, like going to the school to ask for notices and ask the teacher questions, she does not think my hubby is capable, she blames others his the child forgets his homework, but she needs to discuss this with my hubby first. I havent said anything because I do not want to get involved, when my hubby asked her to talk to him rather and not take the situation in her own hands, she started crying and being dramatic.

She thinks that my hubby''s son is her son, but the only problem with her helping or taking control is that she desrespects my hubby infront of the child, if he does not give the child sweets, she will say he is being cruel infront of the child, but she doesnt know that he might of had sweets earlier... she doesnt ask...

I dont know.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Tell the school, headmaster and teachers that they must NEVER give any information to her or have any conversations with her, without express permission from you or your husband - grandparents cant assume and exercise parental rights and privileges. Her drama and crying should be ignored, with her being told that such manipulation is not acceptable, just as her attempts to be mother to the child and to supplant the father, is unacceptable.

Also, let's look at why she may be doing all these irritating things. It sounds as though she had no life of her own, no other source of feeling good about herself, except by bossing people around and running the kids life. And disrespecting the father in front of his child is entirely unacceptable.

Discuss this with your husband, who sounds like this upsets him too, but he lacks the confidence and assertiveness to handle it, and he may need as well as deserve, your support in planning and carrying out a common approach to her.

You don't mention whether she has a husband alive, or other children to pester, but if there are others, involve them too, in a common and shared approach. Find her some more wholesome hobbies !

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2011/02/22

Your mother in law sounds a bit like my mother. I feel for you.

He''s going to have to speak to her again and when she turns on the water works tell her that she needs to stop pretending she is the victim and start thinking about how her behaviour affects other people.
He should tell her he has informed the school that she is not the child''s parent and is not to be given notices etc (and he must do this).

IF she will not listen to what he says, he should write her a letter gently explaining things. She''ll no doubt sulk for a few weeks, but at least she won''t be around during that time to annoy you.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/22

Tell the school, headmaster and teachers that they must NEVER give any information to her or have any conversations with her, without express permission from you or your husband - grandparents cant assume and exercise parental rights and privileges. Her drama and crying should be ignored, with her being told that such manipulation is not acceptable, just as her attempts to be mother to the child and to supplant the father, is unacceptable.

Also, let's look at why she may be doing all these irritating things. It sounds as though she had no life of her own, no other source of feeling good about herself, except by bossing people around and running the kids life. And disrespecting the father in front of his child is entirely unacceptable.

Discuss this with your husband, who sounds like this upsets him too, but he lacks the confidence and assertiveness to handle it, and he may need as well as deserve, your support in planning and carrying out a common approach to her.

You don't mention whether she has a husband alive, or other children to pester, but if there are others, involve them too, in a common and shared approach. Find her some more wholesome hobbies !

Reply to cybershrink

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