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Question
Posted by: Annabelle | 2011-05-05

Mother

Growing up and into my 30s , I did not get on with my Mother.
There was many arguments and much unhappiness. I loved her , but felt she could not love me. Things where said , that I could never understand a mother saying to her child.She did not get on with my Grandmother.
I turned the tables and became a very good mother to 3 wonderful young adults , who all love me dearly. I have also been married to a wonderful man for many years.
In later years my mother had said to me that she was glad that I had stopped the circle of unhappy children,but that she had not known how to be a good mother.
She died at the end of last year.
Before she died , we had made peace and it broke my heart when she passed away.
My father , who adored my Mother , had an argument with me a few weeks after she died. He brought up the passed.
What I am struggling with , is why she let him feel for years ( I am now in in mid 50s) that we had not made up and sorted out our problems . I cannot believe she died and never said anything.
I always loved her and now feel a hurt that I will take to the grave.
I do not know how to get passed this.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It happens. Sadly the reproductive ability to bear children is not automatically matched with the psychological and emotional skills to raise children kindly and well.
Hearty congratulations on changing this pattern and choosing to become such a good mother. And congratulations on, broadly, making peace with her and enabling her to understand some of what had happened. But who knows why she didn;t let your father know - it probably fits her tendency to avoid commnicating emotionally and on emotionally important matters, and maybe she just didn't see it as his business.
Don't allow yourself to carry bitterness forward. From the sound of it, it would have been uncharacteristic of your mother to have discussed such matters with your father. And what really matters is what you were able to achieve wih her in her later years, not whether he understands or appreciates it.
If you continue to experience difficulties about this, do see a counsellor / psychotherapist to work through these remaining issues, and to continue to set yourself free.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Stelle | 2011-05-06

I have n incredibly self involved and emotionally UNintelligent mother.As a result of this i had a horrible upbringing always feeling unloved. However after lots of therapy i have learnt something which has helped me ALOT. Not everyone is born to be a mother, just becasue your mother didnt know how to be a good mom does NOT mean that there is something wrong with YOU. It is HER issue. It does NOT mean that YOU are not good enough.

Reply to Stelle
Posted by: Truth | 2011-05-05

Maybe she was not close to her hubby?
You know you made up does it matter who else knew?

Reply to Truth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-05

It happens. Sadly the reproductive ability to bear children is not automatically matched with the psychological and emotional skills to raise children kindly and well.
Hearty congratulations on changing this pattern and choosing to become such a good mother. And congratulations on, broadly, making peace with her and enabling her to understand some of what had happened. But who knows why she didn;t let your father know - it probably fits her tendency to avoid commnicating emotionally and on emotionally important matters, and maybe she just didn't see it as his business.
Don't allow yourself to carry bitterness forward. From the sound of it, it would have been uncharacteristic of your mother to have discussed such matters with your father. And what really matters is what you were able to achieve wih her in her later years, not whether he understands or appreciates it.
If you continue to experience difficulties about this, do see a counsellor / psychotherapist to work through these remaining issues, and to continue to set yourself free.

Reply to cybershrink

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