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Question
Posted by: No hope | 2012/02/24

Moral dilemma

I have a 5 year-old son. I broke up with his father when he was almost 2 years old, after a 6-year long relationship.
I currently have a boyfriend, with whom I WAS planning a future. We were talking about getting married, PLANNING to have a child later this year - as it turned out, I fell pregnant at the beginning of this year. It didn''t bother me much as we were committed to each other, it seemed, and the idea of settling together.
About a month ago, he told me about his other ''business interests'' that are illegal, which I have a problem with, especially the fact that he didn''t tell me about these when we first met so that I could make an informed choice, knowing what I was getting myself into if I got into a relationship with him, let alone fall pregnant. Earlier this week he told me that he has decided to quit his job as he''s not earning enough. So he''ll be pursuing his illegal activities on a full-time basis ''until he gets a (better-paying) job''. I feel like an idiot - I don''t deserve my own forgiveness for the poor choices that I''ve made, I''ve been very stupid.
I feel set up and, most of all, trapped. I''d like to break up with him over his deceit, poor choices and reasoning that doesn''t make any sense to me. At the same time, I''ve never ever imagined myself as a single parent of 2 kids with different fathers. I''ll be judged for the rest of my and my children''s lives. I feel that my life''s been ruined and I''ve been denied a chance to live it as I''d planned, mainly because of his first lie. I know what the morally right thing to do is, i.e. break up with him (?), but I''m terrified of the woman that I''ll be and be seen as, and my poor kids, once this child is born with yet another father nowhere in sight.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like you actually dont know enough about this guy, way less than enough to have allowed yourself to fall pregnant by him. Yes of course he should have told you everything relevant, but didn't you rather assume you were makin an informed decision, without sufficient information ?
It doesn't make sense to quit his job because he isn't earning enough, and instead choose to have zero honest earnings, and to assume that illicit earnings will be higher and problem free. And how seriously is he actually looking for a better paying legit job ?
You may end up being judged by some for your liaison with a crook, more than for breaking with a many who proved to be much less of a man than you had been led to believe. Would you really be in any way a WORSE woman for breaking with someone who prefers illicit acivities to honest work ?
As Maria says, better a father out of sight, than one visibly in jail. And do make sure you can't in any way be considered an accomplice.
Ues, you have made some lousy decisions, but you can learn from that and not make similar mistakes again. Make sure both bio fathers are required by the Maintenance court to pay proper maintenance for their children.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2012/02/25

The real moral delema is do you have the guts to report him to the police therby cutting off your maintenace revenue ? lf you do not report him society will suffer as a result of you wanting money!

do the right thing do not let him make money out of innocent people because you did not get to know him well enough before concieving.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Realist | 2012/02/25

Maria and Woman are both right. Make your move as soon as possible and please don''t beat yourself up over your choices. The main thing is that you have acknowleged your poor decisions. All you need to do is to move out and move on.(Not forgetting to get financial support from him) Many woman have kids by different fathers'', perhaps not ideal, but everyones circumstances are different. We are not living in the Middle Ages

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/25

Sounds like you actually dont know enough about this guy, way less than enough to have allowed yourself to fall pregnant by him. Yes of course he should have told you everything relevant, but didn't you rather assume you were makin an informed decision, without sufficient information ?
It doesn't make sense to quit his job because he isn't earning enough, and instead choose to have zero honest earnings, and to assume that illicit earnings will be higher and problem free. And how seriously is he actually looking for a better paying legit job ?
You may end up being judged by some for your liaison with a crook, more than for breaking with a many who proved to be much less of a man than you had been led to believe. Would you really be in any way a WORSE woman for breaking with someone who prefers illicit acivities to honest work ?
As Maria says, better a father out of sight, than one visibly in jail. And do make sure you can't in any way be considered an accomplice.
Ues, you have made some lousy decisions, but you can learn from that and not make similar mistakes again. Make sure both bio fathers are required by the Maintenance court to pay proper maintenance for their children.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Woman ... | 2012/02/24

Sweetheart, I have 2 kids from 2 different fathers and believe me, society don''t judge you once they get to know you or hear your story! Better to raise 2 kids (from separate fathers) on your own than ruining 2 innocent childern''s live!!!

Reply to Woman ...
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/02/24

Report him to the police it is your moral duty as a mother, too teach your children wrong from right, and as a member of society.

l cannot see much of a moral dillema here, it is obvious what the right thing to do is............

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Maria | 2012/02/24

Better a father nowhere in sight than one who is in jail, or even worse, both parents in jail because mom was an accomplice. Get out while you still can and concentrate on building a life for yourself and your kids. Be the best mom you can be, and ignore judgemental people. They haven''t been in your shoes.

Reply to Maria

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