advertisement
Question
Posted by: $? | 2013/09/15

Q.

money worries

I have always been very responsible with money. Since I started working in my early 20's i havr saved a set ammount into a 32 day acc. I dont buy anything on account and therefore have zero debt, just my 2nd hand car that goes on debit every month. I still stay with family as i am helping paying off the homeloan. I also buy the groceries pay the dstv and have paid to put in aircon and woodfloors. I believe you dont buy something unless you can afford it at that moment. Now I have been seeing someone and we wany to move in. There is a placr we like but... He has just stated a new job and still has not recieved a salary. Hr has huge debt, so does his family. He buys stuff on credit. I told him we will nit be doing that as a couple. We started looking so i thought we were financially able but it has dawned on us that with his situation, i would have to pay thr first months rent plus the deposit on my own. To be honest, I have the money to do so but I dont think I should. Im worried we move in and stuff haooens and I end up having to pay every months rent on my own. I feel like im being very selfish coz he is so heartbroken about possibly losing that place and he doesnt know i could afford this initial payment, but consideting his financial history I dont wana get myself into a bad situation. What do i do

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2013/09/16

You have a very very wise and sensible policy that, if you stick to it, should protect you from meny major problems in life.
Be very cautious about your boyfriend's really bad habits of running into large debts he cant afford to pay off, and if his family is also deep in debt, this suggests its what he expects of life.  DO not let him ( much less them ) use your carefully made savings to pay off their foollishly acquired debts.
If he expects to continue buying stuff ( much of which, I'd bet, he really doesn't need ) on credit, this problem will never stop.
As he owes so much money, how is he ever going to afford to pay any share of the household expenses if you move in together ?
It is not at all selfish of you not to want to pour your savings down the drain he has created. A little heart break on his side may be very good for him, to face the fact that he needs to wipe out his debts and stop creating new ones, before he can offer any woman he genuinely cares about, anything more than a life to be spent struggling to pay off his growing debts.
Paying his debts will just lock him into continuing his bad habits, and there's not good reason for the great hurry to move in together. Unless he wants a new address, perhaps, to evade his debtors ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

22
user comments
Posted by: Concerned | 2013/09/19

Why do people have to move together (cohabitation) without being married or at least be engaged, where two families know about this relation and have created a relationship because of this two. Single, divorced, widowed women and young adult ladies should learn to be independent and do things for themselves and not rely on having a boyfriend who she thinks will take care of her. As women we need to learn to be patient and wait for our partners (if God will), because we are ending up being the soccer balls that are kicked abused, left in the rain, and also be expected to do every household duties for a person you are not sure where he will ever propose and let alone marry you. Talking from experience, never pay somebody else debts because you love that person, you will lose half you life and end up in debts yourself. DO NOT BE TEMPTED PLEASE, GIVE HIM SPACE AND LET HIM SORT HIMSELF OUT. ONLY TIME WILL TELL WHEN THINGS WILL BE NORMAL AGAIN. Be strong Liza

Reply to Concerned
Posted by: M | 2013/09/18

Hi, I was in a very difficult financial position for many years. Years ago I earned too little to actually survive. I was doing my audit articles and pay wasn't great. I did not spend extensively, but had to use credit card just to buy food, petrol etc. Yes, I did buy the occasional thing I did not really need and I had to pay my own studies, but soon it all accumulated. 7 years later I was stuck with 4 credit cards and a Woolworths loan of substantial amounts. As I am in a relationship and we actually want to move in together, buy house etc, I had to come clean about the extent of my debt. He has no debt and 10years savings.This was the worse day ever, to look your loved one in the eyes and ask for help and at the same time the fear that he might decide to leave...If he could not help me, I felt that there is no reason to build a future together as I will not be able to contribute financially and this will put a lot of stress on our relationship. I was lucky enough to have someone who believed in me and willing to help. He paid off all my debt last month...but I have signed a stop order to repay R5000 pm. for a start. It will take me couple of years to repay every cent, but the thing is, now I don't have the 6k shortfall every month and can survive on my salary, repay him and have bit extra. I have also closed all credit cards and loans. What I can add based on my situation: 1. Firstly look at why the person is in debt 2. Are you willing to loose that person because of the debt 3. Is that person contributing (and willing to) in other ways to do their part to get to a better financial position (stop spending) 4. It is not fair on one person to carry all financial liability, the other person needs to step up or is his mindset that you just need to pay everything 5. If you do help that person, will he change his ways? Or will things and spending just go on like normal It's a difficult decision but if he does not want to be proactive to get out of the financial situation...then you are fighting a loosing battle.

Reply to M
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/18

www.endit.co.za

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/18

Eish ma sister. Difficult one, but as I am a man also please don't do it. Things will get worse on his side and you guys will end up not affording anything either than the rent.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/18

Very good advice, but please note that if people owe you money they are Debtors, and if you owe people money, they are creditors.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/18

i say do not pay the deposit and the rent as you will end up paying every month yourself, you love this guy then prove it he must learnt to be responsible advise him wherever you can cause at the moment its still dark on him.Some people are not financially strict they need guidance believe me i know.Even if you two lose that place theres alweays another one, he needs to prove that he can also assist in the household or else you will find yourself carrying the load all by yourself.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Pessimist (An optimist with experience!) | 2013/09/18

Perhaps a contrary view to most (all) here: There are many reasons people find themselves in debt. It is not always the result of irresponsibility or poor financial habits. For all the advice you can get from us who don't know you or your boyfriend, the choice is really yours. You know him best...and you know his capacity to be financially responsible (well, if you are looking at moving in with him, I would assume that you do know at least this about him, yes?). If you think he will remain the same way, then suggest you hold off on moving in together...and do something unusual while you are at it: Be honest with him about why. Love actually is conditional (as this situation clearly proves), and its not a bad thing. If you love him, share with him your concerns, see how he responds (through actions, not words), and then make up your mind. As a man who was once married, believe me when I say this: Money may not be the reason why you are with someone, but money issues can wreck the most sincere union. Where money is concerned, I'm afraid I have to end up agreeing with the other people who have commented here: Do NOT follow your heart! He really is not going to wither away and die if you don't move into this particular place. All the best!

Reply to Pessimist (An optimist with experience!)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/18

Man want to be mothered by their mothers then us and if we allow this in the name of love , we hearding for a disaster we must just be firm because at the end of the day when there is no money they get moody and even fight you for your money manupilate you, wanting to live larger than life at your expense. i have seen cases whereby a woman must leave money for beer, smokes, money to entertain friends and if that does not happen he beats her so badly In my veiw i think as women we are not supposed to be subjected to this if a man can't take good of hismself then he won't be able to take good care of a family . So let him go!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/18

I remember telling my husband we need to discuss the budget and he brushed me off saying "as long as the bills gets paid". I moved to another province and my husband was left to take of his own financial affairs while I take care of mine. We recently had a blowout over the phone on how he was telling me he was not coping financially and it dawned on me that I have been enabling him because whatever he wants he gets and I'm left with how to pay the bills at the end of the month including 3 children. I once had R100 000 saved but I used it to pay our debts. Since the blowout our marriage is not the same at all, I feel resentful because I feel used and unappreciated.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/17

All posts say the same, and it is GOOD advice. Some people have no conscience and will suck you dry. They are like cats, feed them once because they seem destitute and you could end up being the host to a parasite for years to come. Maybe this guy is not one of them, but is it worth the risk??

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/17

I've a female friend who is penniless due to a boyfriend who cleaned her out over time(financially and also emotionally). DON'T do it !!!! Don't pay for a thing nor put your heart first. You will get burn't and once the holes dug it's impossible to get out . This particular gent also had an unstable financial record and once he had his claws in, he even stopped working and stayed home for months on end doing nix, claiming he was out all day looking for a job. My friend even had to clean and cook when she got home after a long days work. Walk lady, walk...........

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/17

Don't do it - until he can prove he is financially, socially and emotionally mature, you are just begging trouble

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/09/17

Don't do it! I was in the same situation and ended up with huge debt. I am still struggling to get out of it. Its very easy to fall into that trap and at least you are sensible enough to do research before going into that situation. If you do agree to do it than at least you did it knowingly. I would be unwise to allow yourself to be in a situation like that.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Jenna | 2013/09/16

I would just wait a couple of months (not just until he has received his first salary, but until he has received a few months salary and can help pay the deposit). There are always nice places available, and it's not fair for you to now change your habit of not going into debt/ using your savings/ whatever just because he wants the place NOW. The tone of the relationship seems negative already (financially wise). If he is serious about moving out, about you, about getting his finances in order he WILL use his salary wisely. If he doesn't, then it's not up to you to pay everything. How has he gotten himself into such debt in the first place? Was it a bad business decision, did he get himself into debt to help his family OR is it that he is simply living beyond his means?

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: DAN | 2013/09/16

I AGREE WITH LIZA ,IF HE DOESNT HAVE THE MONEY KNOW DONT GET THE HOUSE YOU WILL THEN SET THE TONE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY WHERE HE WHATS TO BUY STUFF AND THEN HE GIVES YOU THE PUPPY EYES AND YOU FEEL BAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE IT IS VERY HARD TO GET BACK TO. YOU MUST SET THE TONE KNOW FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP " IF WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY WE DONT BUY IT ,WE SAVE UNTILL WE HAVE THE MONEY" GOOD LUCK

Reply to DAN
Posted by: DAN | 2013/09/16

I AGREE WITH LIZA ,IF HE DOESNT HAVE THE MONEY KNOW DONT GET THE HOUSE YOU WILL THEN SET THE TONE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY WHERE HE WHATS TO BUY STUFF AND THEN HE GIVES YOU THE PUPPY EYES AND YOU FEEL BAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE IT IS VERY HARD TO GET BACK TO. YOU MUST SET THE TONE KNOW FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP " IF WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY WE DONT BUY IT ,WE SAVE UNTILL WE HAVE THE MONEY" GOOD LUCK

Reply to DAN
Posted by: Liza | 2013/09/16

You're assuming that he's going to change his financial habits once you've got your own place together - BIG mistake. People do not change their financial habits easily. Naturally he can LEARN to become more responsible with finances but only if he truly WANTS to and then also only with lots of blood, sweat and tears (not to mention a couple of nasty fights about finances...) If he has someone who's going to bail him out instead of expecting him to save up to pay his share, then you will only be enabling him to continue being irresponsible and drag you down to his level. If he can't currently pay his share - tough luck. Then you wait until he CAN pay his share before getting a place together. Otherwise - do you want to lose your financial stability to someone who doesn't really care about things like that? Because people who buy things on credit care more about what they think they deserve than what they can truly afford. I know - I used to be like that too. Buy whatever I want using fantastic plastic. And then losing my job, losing my car, losing my house, even losing custody of my children and eventually losing all self-respect and even the will to live... The ONLY reason why I've become financially responsible is because I learned my lesson the HARD way by hitting complete rock bottom and having to work myself to the bone to repay those debts to clear my credit record. Today I've finally been able to repay everything I owe and I'm saving up towards a deposit to buy my own place again, but it's been a truly difficult 8 years to get where I am today...

Good Luck,
Liza

Reply to Liza

Want to comment?

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement