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Question
Posted by: DANONE | 2010/10/31

Money VS Relationship

I ''ve had ths problme with gf for so long and so far I had not won. We both work, both own things individially. Recently introduced her to my family and want to marry her but the bid challenge is that we disagree a lot on money issues....We both come from very poor families but are now both doing great individually. She does with hers the most important staff only, don''t do entertaintment at all, I am like this tommorow i may wake up dead, so spend some and save some not all. I know this seems like a small problems but it is huge for example - I pay for transport to visit me, i pay for everything that has to do with money and entertaintment but throughout all this i start to feel stupid as if I am wasting money in her eyes and i wonder what life will be like after marriage.....I tried to discuss this with her to get her to play her part, recently asked her to budget to see me at least once a month and she did not. the bad thing is i know she loves me, she is very worried about money all the damn time it is difficult to have a good time without a conversation leading back to money - She will not call until the percentages of either network are extremely low and if she does - She will remind you how lucky you and cut after a minute. I AM SICK OF DISCUSSING MONEY ALL THE DAMN TIME. the things is i do love and we have been together for so long, marriage is the only step left, however I am very sick of money talk. The bad thing is i don''t believe she will change so I must risk it. I am seriously considering out of community - if it means after marriage, there will be nomore fun....I really am, it is pity breaking up is not an option, we both too old too in to this thing it will kill us both

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One of the problems with your own financial policy ( the old "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" ) is that it might work only if you were sure to die tomorrow. But suppose you wake up ALIVE ? Suppose you life to 60, to 80 ? How then would you live ? And the way the world economy is going, you can't assume anyone else will be prepared to pay for you if you use up all of your earnings.
I think this may be especially a risk for folks who grew up really poor. Wither one becomes a miser, scared to spend ANYTHING for you don't feel secure that the money will keep on arriving ( we were por before, I don't want to become poor again ); or you become wasteful, feeling the world owes it to you to make up for the earlier poverty, so you spend, spend spend.
Maybe a couples counsellor could help you two to negotiate a midway path here. It doesn't feel fair if after 10 years, say, in which you've both been earning well, she has bought the house, the car, the furniture, and all that is still there ; and you paid for the parties, and of course there's nothing left from them except headaches and liver damage.
A counsellor could help, as I say, negotiate a reasonable middle road, with all essentials guaranteed, savings building up well, and yet not unrelieved gloom, so time and money for a reasonable amount of fun, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Unique | 2010/11/02

Please note that Cybershrink does not read responses to posts that he has responded . If you want more input from him write a new post.

My view is (from pre-marital classes attended) -agree on things that MUST be in the common budget and agree on amount that go there and stick to it. For example you can decide to go on holiday once a year and you both contribute x per month towards the holiday. she''ll probably less guilt putting away R300 a month for entertainment compared to boxing R3600 at once. Start small she''ll get used to it and start allowing little pleasures.

i think this problem can be resolved.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: DANONE | 2010/10/31

Thanks cyber - the thing is we are doing reasonably well, the both of us. For example we both own houses, I own a two houses and a car . . . . she too has a own house. Yes - I am no just spending, I am saving some and investing in property as well however I cannot stand the thought of leaving to accommulate be it money or just wealth, at some point we must say okay here we go, this week we are of to this place to have fun, and it is okay for both of us to contribute in all corners, I do believe that focusing on avoiding the past poverty will lead to neglect of the current moments, in a few years from now, we will both have paid our debts, free of debts BUT NOT AS YOUNG though....I like to believe that in making the right choices one must balance it by taking advantage of what life offers at the moment as well. thanks for the suggestion about relationship councelling - i do doubt that it will work though given that she does not see it as a problem. Suppose i stop forking the bill on entertaintment, my concern is that it takes very little priority in her life........and she is young & mdash & mdash -24. what happens if she one days wakes up feel like i did not live, Is either I am stuck with a bitter wife or she leaves to make it up....maybe is like this everywhere else and i am making too much out of nothing. I reckon if anybody deserves to be happy it is us.....then again one must define happy and at the moment she is happy with the way things are......

Reply to DANONE
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/31

One of the problems with your own financial policy ( the old "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" ) is that it might work only if you were sure to die tomorrow. But suppose you wake up ALIVE ? Suppose you life to 60, to 80 ? How then would you live ? And the way the world economy is going, you can't assume anyone else will be prepared to pay for you if you use up all of your earnings.
I think this may be especially a risk for folks who grew up really poor. Wither one becomes a miser, scared to spend ANYTHING for you don't feel secure that the money will keep on arriving ( we were por before, I don't want to become poor again ); or you become wasteful, feeling the world owes it to you to make up for the earlier poverty, so you spend, spend spend.
Maybe a couples counsellor could help you two to negotiate a midway path here. It doesn't feel fair if after 10 years, say, in which you've both been earning well, she has bought the house, the car, the furniture, and all that is still there ; and you paid for the parties, and of course there's nothing left from them except headaches and liver damage.
A counsellor could help, as I say, negotiate a reasonable middle road, with all essentials guaranteed, savings building up well, and yet not unrelieved gloom, so time and money for a reasonable amount of fun, too.

Reply to cybershrink

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