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Question
Posted by: Esmeralda | 2010/06/02

money or the box?

Hi Cybershrink and others, appreciate some advice

Met a guy on the net 5 yrs ago, he lives in London with his two kids while I am here with my young daughter. I''d say we get on well, but one thing which alarmed me from the get-go was his insistence that I move over pronto, just pack up myself and my child and pitch up there. He adopted his first child and says she has no mother and is in desperate need of one, while he ''just knows'' I am his wife. Hence compelling reason for me to sail the high seas to England. I have not been sold on the idea for 5 whole years, while he has persisted with it.

Fast forward to 2010 and he is pressing with greater urgency for me to come, saying he has waited 5 long years. We met on a Christian dating website and share in common a desire to have more children and ofcourse our faith. He calls me, though I have never called him. We seem to chat easily enough but boy, can he talk. He goes on and on to the point of getting very excitable when presenting his case for my moving over. He also seems to think I shd just move over, without having had to do a ‘ recon’  visit first. But I am simply not sold on packing up to move halfway across the world and ofcourse I would have preferred to meet him first. Surely, if he is that sure about me, he would have made a trip out here by now? He instead says I shd sell my property here and move over with my child, to stay in a council flat in London I suppose. I am not sold because while I am no millionaire, I am reluctant to leave a relatively cosy two bed flat in the country I call home, for a council flat in grey London. I am a single mother but am not sure how fair it is to take my child away for her father altogether (he sees her alternate weekends) to a new and possibly bewildering environment. That said, I have had no other person but the Briton interested in me all these five years, and have in fact been single for 8 yrs. During that time there is someone I fell in love with here, who subsequently fell for someone else and is now married to her. It is very very hard for me to see this man and his family  I would do anything to get away from the misery of living anywhere near him. A big city can be too small for two ppl, and this is the case here. It seems to present further argument for my moving to the UK. Additionally, I have a very deep longing to have more children, as does this Brit. This is the only offer I have had in years - do I take it, move to that council flat and fulfil my dreams of having a nuclear family...or is there something which doesn''t add up here?

I keep thinking, if I don’ t go, I’ ll be alone forever. When you’ ve not been in a relationship for 8 yrs, and someone wants to give you one without reservation, you take it, right? Or not?

Pls advise thanks!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Bothersome, surely ? With people you meet on the net, you never really know who they really are, only who they ae presenting themselves as. And to expect you to sell up and rush aross continents without knowing him, sounds potentially unrealistic and inconsiderate, at least.
I don't think meeting on a Christian dating site necessarily guarantees anything about him - its not as though you have to validate your soul on joining such sites. Bad guys as well as good do use them.
I, too, wonder why he hasn't chosen to come out here to visit you and your child. If the two of you are indeed fated to get together, maybe its he who should think about moving out here - and even then, only after a proper meeting.
I'm not sure the other disappointing relationship is a good reason for leaving the country.
Why not ask him clearly to either visit you here, or to help pay for you to visit him there ?

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2010/06/03

To be blunt, I think that you''ve been wasting yourself on this guy for years. Go out there and live life, meet new people. Don''t tie yourself to a guy that you think talks too much and who doesn''t have the gumption to come and meet you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Patricia | 2010/06/03

I know exactly how you feel. I''ve been there. I was 19 and met a wonderful person online too. We " dated"  for 4 years and finally we met. It was ME who came here to see him when I got tired of him never really taking any decision to come and see me (across the same ocean that separates the two of you as well). Then I MOVED here because we seemed to get along so perfectly. Only to find out he was married! The only thing I can tell you is NEVER let this man or anyone persuade you to go there. Tell him to go and see you first. HE has to prove he''s willing to do anything first. Let him take that step himself and get to know him in person before you make any decisions. You may be alone now, but you''ll be way more alone and lost if you do decide to go and end up in a situation like mine. And I was lucky that I was just 23 and didn''t have a child and even liked the country. It helped keep my mind from thinking about suicide. Now I''ve met someone honest and beautiful who does care about me and makes life worth living. We''ve been dating (in person) for over a year now and I don''t know what the future brings but it''s feels good to know at least it''s someone who''s worth fighting for and who''s a real friend I can count on for just anything. Don''t let the not so lucky past play a role here. You still could meet someone if you let it happen. I didn''t have a single boyfriend in person until now, but I''ve had 5 or 6 other men interested in the past year. Don''t be so desperate. Things do get better if you stop worrying all the time and go for it without speeding things or pressuring too much to make it work.

So first of all, start by getting that man to go and see you first. Then you could also go without your daughter and see him (preferably in safe places if not sure if he could be dangerous!), and if you feel you do like each other and he''s worth moving there, you can consider it then.

Good luck and pay attention to every detail you can. Excuses, phone calls, strange reactions. Unfortunately people can pretend very well, but you can catch them too if you pay attention.

Reply to Patricia
Posted by: Esmeralda | 2010/06/02

Quite true CS, I don''t see why I shd be the only one to part with hard-earned pennies to make the visit a reality. And I really think I shd meet him first, not arrive at Heathrow child and luggage in hand.

Bongi, you shd hear the guy go on! The one time he phoned, I went and checked on my stew, poured myself a glass of wine and put my child in the bath - and when I came back to the phone he was still talking.

Reply to Esmeralda
Posted by: Bongi | 2010/06/02

Ow girl - I FEEL your confusion. I have absolutely no idea what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Having said that - you crack me up girl the way you put it on your post... " but boy, can he talk. He goes on and on to the point of getting very excitable when presenting his case for my moving over"  LOL.

Reply to Bongi
Posted by: Esmeralda | 2010/06/02

Sorry the bit about my child''s dad is confusing - he is here and sees her every two weeks, they are very fond of each other and she is very close to the other kids he has. This is what I would be taking my child away from, as well as all my relatives here.

thanks

Reply to Esmeralda
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/02

Bothersome, surely ? With people you meet on the net, you never really know who they really are, only who they ae presenting themselves as. And to expect you to sell up and rush aross continents without knowing him, sounds potentially unrealistic and inconsiderate, at least.
I don't think meeting on a Christian dating site necessarily guarantees anything about him - its not as though you have to validate your soul on joining such sites. Bad guys as well as good do use them.
I, too, wonder why he hasn't chosen to come out here to visit you and your child. If the two of you are indeed fated to get together, maybe its he who should think about moving out here - and even then, only after a proper meeting.
I'm not sure the other disappointing relationship is a good reason for leaving the country.
Why not ask him clearly to either visit you here, or to help pay for you to visit him there ?

Reply to cybershrink

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