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Question
Posted by: Kate | 2010/11/30

Money Issues

We not even married and we having these.
The thing is he has helped me out by acquiring a few expensive things but now he expects me on to spend a single cent of my own money on myself on the occasion.
Recently I bought me a bag that I totally loved! I do have debt and working on paying it off asap as we want to get married soon. Does this mean I can’ t spend a cent on myself now and again.
‘ He saw the bag and said ‘ how much did that cost?’  ‘ When are you going to stop wasting money?’ 
I replied by saying its my money, I work for it and don’ t expect him to tell me how to spend it.
Then he got all upset, like I committed some sort of crime.
We do love each other but I can’ t picture myself with someone that’ s going to try to control how I spend money.
I know he wants me to settle my debt asap, I do too but I also want to spoil myself sometimes.
Am I wrong? Or is he wrong in trying to dictate how I spend.
Or are we both wrong? I hate arguing about money!
Sometimes I wonder if I should just leave him and find someone who earns enough to take care of me as the thought of going into a marriage where money is going to be an issue just depresses me. I’ ve been through it and don’ t want that for my kids.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, I suppose this depends on how you view debt - which is really about spending money you don't have, and which you haven't earned, for things you want and can't afford. Many people, and not only men, would not understand spending on a bad, however adorable, when you are in debt and need to pay it off. Unpaid debt is expensive and limits your options in life rather more than does the lack of an adorable bag.
You don't mention what are the "few expensive things" he has bought for you, but I'd guess they aren't bags.
If you owe serious money, spoilin g yourself needs to be far lower on your agenda ; and spoil yourself with a tiny luxury - maybe a nice ice-cream cone, not expensive clothing or suchlike.
Maybe he does indeed "want to control how you spend your money", ut if you marry someone it shouldn't be about "my money" and "his/her money" but our money ; you need to share expenses, and give priority to the most essential spending first.
Your comments sound ominously like a girl who believes the man should "take care of her " with his earnings, while her earnings remain HER money to spend on spoiling herself. That's closer to prostitution than marriage.
Especially in these hard economic times, money must ALWAYS be an issue within a relatonship. It need not be THE major issue, or to cause major problems, but that needs both partners to be unselfish and share the responsibilities.
What if he failed to pay rent / car/ whatever, because he'd spotted a darling little motor-bike - would you be happy if he reminded you it was HIS money he was spending on it ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/30

Well, I suppose this depends on how you view debt - which is really about spending money you don't have, and which you haven't earned, for things you want and can't afford. Many people, and not only men, would not understand spending on a bad, however adorable, when you are in debt and need to pay it off. Unpaid debt is expensive and limits your options in life rather more than does the lack of an adorable bag.
You don't mention what are the "few expensive things" he has bought for you, but I'd guess they aren't bags.
If you owe serious money, spoilin g yourself needs to be far lower on your agenda ; and spoil yourself with a tiny luxury - maybe a nice ice-cream cone, not expensive clothing or suchlike.
Maybe he does indeed "want to control how you spend your money", ut if you marry someone it shouldn't be about "my money" and "his/her money" but our money ; you need to share expenses, and give priority to the most essential spending first.
Your comments sound ominously like a girl who believes the man should "take care of her " with his earnings, while her earnings remain HER money to spend on spoiling herself. That's closer to prostitution than marriage.
Especially in these hard economic times, money must ALWAYS be an issue within a relatonship. It need not be THE major issue, or to cause major problems, but that needs both partners to be unselfish and share the responsibilities.
What if he failed to pay rent / car/ whatever, because he'd spotted a darling little motor-bike - would you be happy if he reminded you it was HIS money he was spending on it ?

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