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Question
Posted by: Pancy | 2010-03-08

Money issues

My husband and now are playing some weird game around a thorny issue - money. I checked his cellphone recently, and realised he had more money than he claims to have. This is from those smses you get from the bank when there is movement on the account. At the same time, he wants me to transfer money to his account, because he claims to have a shortfall for the month. the way he says it is almost liek he is demanding it, which is normal behavious when you need extra cash. Yes, I know as a man he does not want to feel like he is begging, but I want to know why he has not disclosed the extra cash, and why he would want extra from me even though he is okay. Is he maybe playing out the ''broke'' act, or really broke? I know I should just speak to him, but this leads to arguments, with him blaming me for getting him into debt by buying our home. We both earn well, but he does not disclose his money details, when I ask for proof, he claims he is not being trusted, which is the reverse phsycology that ''cheaters'' normally use. But it has worked this time cause I don t want to argue, or seem like I''m accusing him of something. So what am I saying - i think I''ve been had! And no, snooping has it''s uses, and I will not apologise for it. You know what, I think I will just ask him what teh amount is for. If he gets cross that I snooped, and sidesteps the issue, I will know I have lots to worry about. If it was nothing, and he explains, then I will apologise, and promise not to do it again. (yeah right).

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How can we guess what he's up to ? That he's up to something, though, seems clear. Why not simply calmly ask him WHY he has a short-fall, and WHy he needs the extra money - and if he expects you to lend or give him money, he should be prepared to show you bank statements of how much he has, and where its coming from and going to. If he wants to keep all that confidential, then he can keep the fact that he wants extra money confidential from you, too.
If he whines that he's not being trusted, you can say calmly - you're right - because you keep all your financial matters so private, I have no reason to trust you. Nobody has the right to expect E else to give them money, without disclosing what it is for and why it is needed - and when it will be paid back.
You don't seem to be talking about money for groceries, or for the bond, so it's a very real concern why a guy who earns well, suddenly needs a substantial amount of money. Does he gamble, or use drugs, or have other expensive hobbies ?
Purple's suggestion of the proposal of sharing a joint budget for shared household expenses makes sense ( though you should both contribute on the basis of the proportion of your earnings ) and the budget should vcover only expenses that benefit both of you.
If he insists on Private expenditure of his own, that should be only paid for by himself.
How would he feel about donating a few thousand to you, from time to time, without knowing what you were spending it on ?

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Rick | 2010-03-09

Money issues are the root cause of many divorces, because when you are unhappy about the finances, other issues become mountains.

Best way is to declare everything up front so that there are no secrets, pool your money because you are now a family, a single being, NOT a couple just living together. Share in the abundance if there is and share in the shortfalls if there are any and work through your budget and spending habits to rectify it.

I know this cause Ive been there, money issues ( too much and too little) spell doom for a marriage.

Talk it through and be honest.

Regards
Rick

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Purple | 2010-03-09

Why not tell him that you would like to start budgeting together for the household costs so taht neither of you is short in a month.

List your income, your compulsory expenses, your variable expenses and so on and then work out who will pay what so that you split them up according to your income.
Suggest you both bring your pay slips to the budgeting session.

My husband and I don''t know exactly what each other earn but we do have a vague idea.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: WTF! | 2010-03-09

Ok..tables turned then, but nothing changes here. You resent what''s going on...and it obviously cannot continue! Who owns the house..the car...the whatever??? In a marriage, what ever you have accumulated together, belongs to both of you - not the one that paid for them! His hiding things from you is just plain scary. Is the cell phone also kept at a distance...would things tally if you checked on other things? Hey, I couldn''t live like this! Time to throw your toys out the cot, and lay down the law.

Reply to WTF!
Posted by: Pancy | 2010-03-09

You have a point to ask why the money is not pooled. You see, hubby always assumed that he would always be the big earner, and it was not in his best interest to pool the money, no matter how many times I asked. I was earning half what he earned when we got married, and now marginally more than him. He has always hidden bank accounts, payslips, everything. When i ask why, he always comes up with excuses. At any given time my payslip is lying around somewhere, while i see his only if I snoop. I hate feeling like this, like i have to pay him, when he never assisted me. I was nit one to ask for money, when I was broke, and he demands it! Without coming clean. When i ask him to work on the household budget, he flatly refuses, or gives me some ''estimates'' that can never be substantiated. I feel very resentful right now. If he could show me his payslip, bond account, car payments, i will feel better. Ired of sidestepping so that his feelings are not hurt.

Reply to Pancy
Posted by: WTF! | 2010-03-09

You do not clarify things well...but am I right in suspecting that this is a definite case of ''your money, and OUR money'' ?
If I''m right then I can''t imagine how much your husband resents the situation, and therefore hides his money from you! You say that you BOTH earn well (and presumably want to have separate accounts)...then why haven''t you both pooled money equally to pay the monthly bills? I just don''t figure where you''re going with this posting......and you recon you''ve been ''had''...me thinks not!! A marriage is a partnership in ALL respects, and you two have obviously never sat down and discussed how the finances are going to work! Off to the drawing board my dear...before his resentment leads to more than you bargained for!

Reply to WTF!
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-03-09

How can we guess what he's up to ? That he's up to something, though, seems clear. Why not simply calmly ask him WHY he has a short-fall, and WHy he needs the extra money - and if he expects you to lend or give him money, he should be prepared to show you bank statements of how much he has, and where its coming from and going to. If he wants to keep all that confidential, then he can keep the fact that he wants extra money confidential from you, too.
If he whines that he's not being trusted, you can say calmly - you're right - because you keep all your financial matters so private, I have no reason to trust you. Nobody has the right to expect E else to give them money, without disclosing what it is for and why it is needed - and when it will be paid back.
You don't seem to be talking about money for groceries, or for the bond, so it's a very real concern why a guy who earns well, suddenly needs a substantial amount of money. Does he gamble, or use drugs, or have other expensive hobbies ?
Purple's suggestion of the proposal of sharing a joint budget for shared household expenses makes sense ( though you should both contribute on the basis of the proportion of your earnings ) and the budget should vcover only expenses that benefit both of you.
If he insists on Private expenditure of his own, that should be only paid for by himself.
How would he feel about donating a few thousand to you, from time to time, without knowing what you were spending it on ?

Reply to cybershrink

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